Boyfriend wants to go to his work party instead of my graduation

[spuddy56]

I have a degree level graduation to attend for the CIM course I self funded and worked really hard on around my full time work. It was really tough to do, especially as it was all distance learning, and I'm so glad I got through. Unfortunately it clashes with my boyfriends overnight work party that I am also invited to attend. It is at the other end of the country and he is putting the pressure on to attend that instead as "its a free night in a spa hotel."
I booked the graduation tickets before we knew about the work party and was really looking forward to going as I missed my uni graduation due to being away on a scholarship course.

The whole thing is just a mess now and he is being really grumpy about it. Aibu to just say no to the party and maybe even go on my own?

My grandparents have also cancelled on me due to train tickets etc. So I've wasted over £100 buying tickets for everyone thinking they might be proud of me 😭

What time is the ceremony and how far apart are they? You can pick up your gown well before it starts and get all of your pics before the ceremony then shoot off. There's not that much going on afterwards and it can be hard to find those on your course in the scrum.

Is there any way that you could do both? Arrive late to the Christmas party so he still shows face and gets the overnight in the nice hotel?

Sorry if I've missed that this is geographically impossible!

Graduation is a big life event, a work party is NOT.

Also what this boils down to is not whats 'more fun' its basic manners, as the graduation and tickets where announced and bought first he cant go to the work do as he ALREADY has plans that day that have incured costs to you.

And if getting pissed annually with work collegues is more fun and important than supporting your partner then frankly they arent mature enough to have a partner.

Also for the money that would be wasted on tickets it means the spa hotel is likely the equivilent of full price anyway so its not a 'free' night as hes wanting you too piss away hundreds.

His attitude is absolutely shitty. Very selfish.

Graduations are tedious I’d take the party/spa hotel personally.

To be fair he did really want to go until the clash, he also missed his due to being in another country so we were both kind of looking forward to the experience to see what it's like. It's just so unfortunate they are the same day.

First off congratulations! You should feel very proud.
and from what you've written there it does sound like your DP is very proud of you and was wanting to be there with you for the graduation.

But the party has now come up and hes basically thinking about what will be more fun. And sorry to be blunt, but the party at a spa hotel probably will be more fun.

However, it isn't more IMPORTANT. And thats what he is failing to see. He more than likely knows what is actually more important, but the fun party prospect has totally clouded his judgement.

Perhaps you can put it to him like that, so he thinks about it from a different angle. Ask him whats more important.

You never know, he might then come up with a solution. Either ditch the party alltogether, or suggest taking you on a seperate special graduation celebration to show how proud he is of you. It may not be the actual ceremony but he could do something memorable and special.

If he is still hung up on the party though after having that pointed out to him, I'd just say you are not going to the party and will be going to the graduation on your own and that you hope he never has anything really important in life that he wants you to go to, and you decide to ditch him for a night out with random work mates.

I don’t think this proves they aren’t proud of you, even if it feels like this. I haven’t attended one since my first degree, so I probably would go for the spa party and try and sell on/back the tickets.
However if you want to go, make it clear you are going and enjoy the moment.

Even if the Graduation will be deathly boring it's important to you and was booked first so he should absolutely go in my opinion. My parents travelled 300 miles to my PGCE despite previously also going to my BA graduation, and my dad was terminally ill at the time. My bf at the time, now husband, even wore a suit to it despite him despising wearing them. I won't ever forget that they made that effort because they were proud of me. If your boyfriend can't be bothered with the effort I wouldn't bother anymore with the relationship.

Can you celebrate at the work party? I’ll pick a free spa hotel over my own graduation any day! Get the boyfriend to buy you a bottle of champagne on the day at the spa to mark the occasion

I do agree with this. I don't think it's mean spirited, OP, I'd much prefer a night at a spa hotel to celebrate graduating than an actual graduation ceremony (I didn't go to mine actually!). I get that it's important to you and he should support you, but I'd be more inclined to tell him, can he please plan something nice for you to show he cares and to mark the occasion?

Its fair enough of the grandparents as they are older and it sounds like a lot of traveling for them.

As another poster said it's also a graduation from a distance learning professional course which isn't like a degree graduation (not trying to undermine your achievement in any way!) and that probably doesn't hold as much gravitas with most people but doesn't mean they're not proud of you.

I’d go to the party. Use it as a celebratory night, free spa hotel like your partner says.

A graduation is a milestone and understand people wanting to go and celebrate with their friends and family-especially when young. It’s a chance to meet up with your uni friends and go out.However, I thought my post grad level professional qualification graduation would be a waste of time and money. The ceremonies are very tedious and I didn’t need to attend a ceremony to know how well I’d done. So I’d have the nice hotel and party every time.

yes i enjoyed my first undergrad one - my parents were proud (i was 21) and they'd paid for rhe degree so we did the cermeony/lunch and then i stayed with uni mates for the night for ONE LAST HURRAH

as an adult, the ceremony (2nd degree) was okay but it was also EXPENSIVE - £43 to rent gowns. lots more for even ONE official photo (i didnt bother with a pic). £25 for anyone to attend - i think you got a glass of bubbly after and a bowl of chilli stuff.

This.

It is a massive achievement so you deserve congratulations and a celebration.

I didn't bother with my MA graduation as I'd found my undergrad graduation underwhelming.

I'd go to the work party and enjoy it and ask your boyfriend to organise a small celebration for your CIM achievement.

Honestly I can see where he's coming from as I went to my first graduation ceremony and didn't bother with the others as its so mind numbingly dull!

I think you've also got the added element of it not actually being a degree (though appreciate it's of the same level) so a graduation might not be viewed in the same way by some people.

All that said, if it were my husband, I'd go without complaint. Well, maybe a little bit to my friend or something!

The sad thing for me @spuddy56 is that he was keen until he got a second choice! If you want to go graduate then do it , he can still go too the party on his own. In years to come you won't care about missing one party but you might well regret not graduating.
I've no idea why him being disappointed should be more important than you. Go and feel proud

I am also detecting some very sneery undertones in this. People who don't bother going to their multiple graduations because they are so crushingly dull. Because of course, anyone who is anyone has a BSc or three, plus a couple of PG Dips, a Masters, a MBA and a PhD thrown in for good measure. 🙄

And that because going to a graduation is something so routine and so boring and something you're going to do at least 3 or 4 times, then what's the fuss about?

But simultaneously failing to recognise that for a lot of students, ONE DEGREE is a massive achievement which they want to celebrate with their loved ones. Or a subsequent post graduate qualification. I think the common expression is "pissing on your chips".

Yes @HeraldicBlazoning DD2 never got her under-graduate ceremony because it was repeatedly delayed and the date they finally settled on was when we were abroad for a close family wedding (not a destination wedding, the bride and groom live in the country where it was taking place).

So when her MSc graduation came around, wild horses wouldn't have stopped me and DH going. People saying they're rather dull are right but also spectacularly missing the point. It's not for entertainment, it's the formal acknowledgement of a specific achievement. And it means a lot to the person graduating, I would expect a loved one to understand that and not to prefer a party which presumably happens every year.

The point that is being missed over and over again, is that this is not a graduation! It is a professional qualification, you don’t graduate, you just get it. And I am not minimising the achievement, I have a professional qualification and it was far harder than my degree. But I still didn’t “graduate” and ceremonies to pick up professional certificates are not generally a thing.

Congratulations spuddy56!

Go to your graduation, you worked hard and deserve to celebrate your achievement. There will be many other work parties and there will possibly be other boyfriends.

I went to all three of mine, and so did my parents because they loved me and were proud. There were small departmental receptions afterwards. A few glasses of wine and a buffet while meeting up with classmates, introducing our parents to everyone and chatting with the lecturers. We enjoyed them. Dare say we just weren't cool enough to find it boring.

Except it is a "thing", and it is a graduation.

www.cim.co.uk/events/graduation-ceremony/

Robes and everything.

You don't have to go. I have a BA, MA and PhD and I've never been to any graduation ceremonies.

He is a real selfish bastard, I'd dump him - he is not a keeper. He is always going to put his needs above yours.
On the other hand graduations are incredibly boring, you wait hours to do your bit on the stage and then it's over. I went to my DS graduation but I didn't bother going to my own.

Some people just don't see the point in 'ceremonies'. I never went to any of mine, including the first, so it's not about 'routine'. I didn't see the point in spending all the money and taking up a whole day (plus travel) when you can graduate in absentia for free (and often sooner).

The point that is being missed over and over again, is that this is not a graduation! It is a professional qualification, you don’t graduate, you just get it

Except that lots of people DO consider it a graduation, including, it seems, the awarding body.