Boyfriend wants to go to his work party instead of my graduation

[spuddy56]

I have a degree level graduation to attend for the CIM course I self funded and worked really hard on around my full time work. It was really tough to do, especially as it was all distance learning, and I'm so glad I got through. Unfortunately it clashes with my boyfriends overnight work party that I am also invited to attend. It is at the other end of the country and he is putting the pressure on to attend that instead as "its a free night in a spa hotel."
I booked the graduation tickets before we knew about the work party and was really looking forward to going as I missed my uni graduation due to being away on a scholarship course.

The whole thing is just a mess now and he is being really grumpy about it. Aibu to just say no to the party and maybe even go on my own?

My grandparents have also cancelled on me due to train tickets etc. So I've wasted over £100 buying tickets for everyone thinking they might be proud of me 😭

But the OP does. And it's important to her. People don't need to piss on her chips. This isn't about whether or not it would be important to you.

This is like the posts where people say "I'm upset DH didn't get me anything for my birthday" and someone comes along and says "birthdays are for children to celebrate. I don't know a single adult who celebrates their birthdays".

OP go to graduation. There will be plenty more parties to attend. You’ve worked har sand you want that achievement recognised.

it’s true graduations are dull but they’re worth doing just for you to have that one day where you’re achievement is celebrated. Go to the work party next year if you’re still together. Use the additional wages from the better qualification to go on a spa night.

Sorry your achievement isn't being celebrated its sad when no-one recognises you have worked hard don't let that put you off in the future

He's right that the work party will be more fun - for him at least - but I can see why you want to have the graduation ceremony if you haven't attended one before. I wouldn't be too upset at your grandparents though. It's your thing and the hassle and expense would be disproportionate for them.

Sometimes it helps to lay out all the facts. You can acknowledge that the work party would definitely be more fun and the spa hotel a great break - but that in this case, the significance for you of acknowledging the achievement is more important, even though the event itself will be boring and tedious and your part will be a few seconds. That it is a one time event and not something that can be postponed or done another time and that for you, being there is important and a tangible way to recognize the work you have done and the time and resources you put into it.

Bloody hell. I don't know you and I'm proud of you.

Go to your graduation then think about how much your boyfriend values you become I think you deserve better. Finally, it's the graduation is near Newcastle I'll come on cheer you on, if MN can do wedding witnesses it can do this.

Of course he should go to your graduation.

As an aside, a work party for people you don’t know sounds shit, as does a “free night in a spa hotel”- let’s face it, it’s going to be shit. But in any event, the graduation is more important.

Is there no way you can do both? Can you leave straight after the ceremony? It does seem a shame to waste an all expenses paid trip and night away for a 1hr30 ceremony. Mine were very dull!!

And so? The fact that there is a graduation ceremony should be a clue that others feel differently, even if your imagination is so stunted that you can't independently envisage that.

I imagine it’s also important for the OP, after a distance learning course, to share the occasion with the cohort of people who studied ‘alongside’ her remotely. Of course she wants to feel herself part of that community for a few hours.

And who knows what friendships or rewarding long term connections might emerge from this event?

Please go to your ceremony @spuddy56 ! Your BF doesn’t have to accompany you - but it’s nasty and childish of him to want to prevent you from attending.

I could not have been prouder when DS graduated but honestly I saw him for about 5 minutes tops. Plus the minute he was on stage. Other than that it was a lot of hanging about, and an afternoon of clapping.
I drove a 200 mile round trip for it.

Can understand both sides and in those cases ultimately the first commitment wins out. Your graduation was in the diary first so that date should be considered booked out for anything else.

I've been in situations where a prior significant commitment has meant I can't go to something more fun and you just suck it up.

Unless the work party is one of those where it's actually a big opportunity to network or somehow "expected" of your bf to be there. That's the only reason I can think of for him to choose it over your graduation and even then he shouldn't expect you to join him.

(I do think graduation ceremonies are dull though and didn't even go to my own. What about suggesting that you turn it into a fun night after the ceremony - party with your classmates, or a fancy meal out with your bf, or maybe even a spa night if that's what he wants? It won't be on his company's dime but there are always ways to have a lot of fun within a budget.)

She’s now been called abusive for ‘making him’, go to her graduation even though she isn’t. I don’t think I can be fucked with Mumsnet today.

OP, I’m one of those people who gets to sit on the stage and clap everybody as they walk across the stage. It takes ages and my hands are sore at the end, and I love every single second of it. Every one of those students has worked hard (even if some of them only managed to do so at the end!), they have made sacrifices to pursue their goals, and they deserve every second of that applause. It the highlight of the academic year for me and for most of my colleagues, and the opening up of new opportunities for you. Your CIM is a Level 6 qualification and you absolutely deserve to be shouting your achievement from the rooftops. Grab a friend or two, graduate, get your photo taken, and go for a cocktail to celebrate. I’d rather do that that spend a night in a remote spa hotel with a load of people I don’t know. A graduation is not boring, it’s a celebration of your hard work and it’s a joyous and special occasion.

My graduation for a distance-learning degree was, objectively, boring. There were very few people that I knew from my course there and the speeches were OK at best.

That I do remember it well, 13 years on, shows how important it was to me to mark my achievement - and celebrate the end of an era. My family all came and were included in the photos.

Go if you want but don't make him go, graduations are very tedious - went to 2 this summer! Afterwards you'll want to chat to your class mates etc we just stood about for an hour (feet now hurting from impractical smart shoes) waiting for the graduate to say their goodbyes.

This is just two people who really, really want to do different things. There is no point guilting him into attending your graduation now you know he doesn't want to come. Of course he would be wrong to guilt you into missing your own celebration, which is a one off and can never be repeated. You have to do separate things. If he won't go to the party without you, that's his choice.

I went to a colleague’s graduation last year. She worked incredibly hard to get a masters alongside a demanding job through the pandemic. It was obvious that she wanted to go, but pandemic travel issues etc meant she would be on her own. I live relatively close and I couldn’t get there fast enough. Honestly, it was a bit repetitive but it was great to sit in the audience surrounded by beamingly proud people. And it was lovely each time someone sitting near me had their graduate come through. I took oodles of photos for her then took her for a fancy lunch. To see a colleague have such a brilliant day and give her chance to acknowledge and be proud of her own achievement was wonderful. I cannot for the life of me think of anything that would make me not want to do that for my most loved person, ie my partner.

Definitely go to your graduation ceremony. Yes they can be boring but they are symbolic for celebrating all the hard work you've done. You deserve your graduation.

Boyfriends come and go, graduations don't.

You missed your degree graduation because you were away on a scholarship course, that was the ceremony that you probably should have gone to but you made a different choice. Your family are not going and you are already disappointed, it's doubtful that the CIM ceremony with unknown people will make up for that. What was your boyfriend doing while you were busy working and studying? Has he missed other work outings because you couldn't go? What has your contribution to the relationship been for however long its taken you to finish the course? Is he usually self centred and unwilling to make sacrifices for you? Of course you want to acknowledge your achievemen but graduations are expensive, dry as bones and great for Institutions to showcase themselves but it won't necessarily celebrate your achievement, you're just a number in it by now. Celebrate with your boyfriend, if he has been supportive while you've been busy achieving. Maybe you could both do with a bit of a break by now ... if you get on with his work colleagues that is. Frankly I'd rather poke pens in my ears than spend a night in a Spa hotel with my partners colleagues... Good luck.

Graduations are tedious, yes. But the whole point of going is to show support, just like I watch my kids in eg gymnastics competitions. Lots of hanging around, watching other people perform, but I go to support them

I think it's lame that OP's boyfriend doesn't want to go

Exactly this. If he doesn’t want to go then that is sad but there is no way I would have missed mine. There is no equivalence between the two events - work parties happen every year. I can’t stand the ‘ if you don’t go then I won’t’ attitude - it’s manipulative behaviour. I wouldn’t want him with a sulk on all day either so I’d be insisting that I’m going on my own.

To be fair he did really want to go until the clash, he also missed his due to being in another country so we were both kind of looking forward to the experience to see what it's like. It's just so unfortunate they are the same day.

I know it might not seem as significant as a degree to some but I actually found it so much harder and it has had a bigger impact on my career. (Which doesn't say much for the quality of my degree but that is another subject!)

He's being unreasonable and putting gratification over commitment - graduation is a once only event and a celebration of what you've achieved. A work party is just a bit of fun that's easily forgotten. If you miss a party you won't regret it in 30 years time looking back, but you will regret not attending your graduation. Jobs change, partners change. Go on your own if you have to, it's for you.

I didnt go to either of my graduations and still felt uber proud of myself. But that's me. It's obviously very important to you so you should go. With or without him.