AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

Invite them over on Christmas eve instead. If kids have Xmas eve boxes, they can watch them open those. If not, film & hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Just tell them, they will get use to the new routine in time. Don’t ask just say mum, dad your welcome on Xmas day anytime after ??. Say your going for a walk first thing or your be busy preparing Xmas dinner and would also like to see them.

You choose how you want to spend your Christmas. Just tell them the kids will open the presents from them when they come and visit in the afternoon or evening. That way they can enjoy them opening some presents, but aren't there for all of it.

If your parents can just show up while everyone is in their PJs, and they put on the kettle for a cup of tea, then I think you’re being a bit unreasonable - if I were a grandparent, I think I’d also love to see the GCs on Christmas morning! (Them not coming to dinner is something I’d keep as a separate issue). My parents tend to come over fairly early and spend the day with us. I love it, but then, we’re close.

That said, if the expectation is that you need to fully tidy the house and get everyone dressed for your parents’ arrival, make them coffee and lay out a special breakfast for them… then YANBU.

There are a limited number of years left when your children will believe in Santa/get up early. It’s up to you, but quite telling that you consider your parents ‘visitors’, and yes, they will be hurt if you tell them you don’t want them there for the ‘special bit’.

This

Indent think I'd like people over first thing in the morning on Xmas day. But then I'd feel the need to be fully dressed and the house all tidy. Everyone is different so if you don't want them there then maybe inviting them for Xmas Eve boxes may be a nice thing to do.

What is it they do which interferes with your enjoyment? My entire family and hangers on all used to come to me. My parents were wonderful but the rest were basically there for a free ride and all the Christmas’s when my children were little were spent slaving away in the kitchen while everyone else had fun and I resent the time I didn’t get to spend with my boys.
Could it be you’re hurt that they don’t want to spend the rest of the day with you? If so you should speak to them about that.
Ultimately while your enjoyment and memories are important and you shouldn’t allow yourself to be used as a free lunch as I was Christmas is mostly (in my opinion) about children, unless you are a Christian. Would your children enjoy having their grandparents there? If we put our children first, we usually do the right thing.

My Christmases growing up were all around pleasing “the grandparents”. I didn’t enjoy it and neither did my parents, who said they wished they’d not made it that way but felt expected to.

Because of that, we arrange Christmas in a way that works for us. I refuse any visitors on the morning (our time) but we will visit people/have lunch/have people over in the afternoon.

We also try to do something special with them all over the Christmas period too, to make sure they don’t feel pushed out.

Feeling like a host/sharing my child’s excitement with anyone other than my DH isn’t something I want to do on Christmas morning, and I’m prepared to stand up for that!

Are you bothered that they come to join you for the 'special moment' or bothered that they don't stay for dinner?

I agree with PP, it sounds really churlish. How much "chaos" do your parents generate?

I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.

Given it sounds like you’ve already asked them to come later and they’ve ridden roughshod over you, I think it’s unlikely that you can get your peaceful morning without upsetting them. At least to some extent.

But YANBU. It’s okay to want to arrange things so that they suit you best rather than your parents best. Your parents have their own lives to arrange to suit themselves best. Where it interacts with you they need to compromise.

Seems ok.
I mean when ours were little we get up and open present - this would be early.
At some point during the morning grandparents would turn up , give presents and go.
Then we'd all / us and the kids , have a lovely dinner.
It was perfect.

perfectly reasonable to say a visit can happen after a quiet morning, especially if you include the offer of Christmas dinner.

If they aren’t available, you all could meet up on another day.

You only get one shot at this so if you want to spend Christmas morning by yourselves then do it.

Just keep repeating: 'we're happy to have guests after xx o'clock'. And just keep repeating it without explanation. If they don't like it, tell them to come on Boxing Day. Pushy parents would make me dig my heels in super hard. And don't answer the door when they inevitably turn up early.

Ask them to visit on a different day, probably Christmas Eve then you don't interfere with their Christmas dinner plans. If they say no Christmas Day tell them straight that is not happening and you will not let them in if they show up.

They do not get to invite themselves nor do they get to ride roughshod over how you want your Christmas to be.

When I was a child, Christmas Eve was one set of Grandparents, Christmas Day was just us and Boxing Day was the other set of Grandparents. This worked really well all being able to see extended family on these other days rather than ramming it all into Christmas Day.

They don't get to dictate when they come @Doicompromise, it's your house and your kids. Just tell them they can't come before xxx time, and if they turn up early just don't let them in. You just need to learn to stand up to them a bit.

I think you should do what suits your DCs

Mine love opening presents with DGPs it's part of out tradition and fun. But then my parents stay over Xmas and for Xmas breakfast dinner and tea. Now mine are teens/ adults they still love Nan and grandad being here for Xmas.

But if it's too much and spoiling your DCs fun then ofc you can invite them after lunch on Xmas day instead or whenever you see fit.

(Ask yourself what did they - your parents- do for your childhood xmases ? as if you didn't have grandparents turning up every year in the morning , then why do you have to agree? Ie you don't even if they did! )

If they only come over in the morning don't you get your family time the rest of the day?

I think it's sometimes a bit different when you have a spouse or partner ... for me, lone parent, we love the get togethers...! We're also up before DGPs so sometimes we open some " Santa "presents from stockings in bedrooms early if Nan and grandad are busy sleeping in or showering etc...! * there may have been some 5am excited DC wake ups!

I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.

You can't be voicing this wish clearly enough then.

That's not meant as a criticism OP - your parents may be particularly obtuse.
Take the bull by the horns, & talk to them - don't do it by message.
"When are you planning on visiting? - as we won't be free til the afternoon., but would love to see you. Oh! - you can't do the afternoon? That's a shame, so shall we make it Boxing Day instead this year? Or come to you for late lunch on Xmas?"

Get them to THINK & offer working solutions, not just trample on what you want because they are too busy doing what THEY want.

My in laws are of this type. My solution is that they visit after 11ish, as kids have opened the Santa presents by then, and we’ve enjoyed our breakfast. They always then invariably turn up around 12 as that suits them best (they have form for doing what suits them best) and we crack open a bottle of bubbly. They leave around 1 to start their cooking as MIL hosts her adult family every year, and we’re left to enjoy the rest our Christmas. You need to tell them what suits YOU, but offer a little flexibility. Ie.. any time between 11-1 for example.

What do they do when they're there that bothers you? If it's just a question of spending time alone with your DCs and DH then you have the rest of the fab for that surely? I'm not really clear where the problem is here unless they are particularly demanding people. It sounds really nice that they want to be there to see the DCs open their presents.

Rest of the fab day

I wonder if OP is talking about the feeling of opening presents in a relaxed way... flexibly when DCs wake up without the palaver of having visitors arrive and everyone needing to be up dressed and making cups of tea etc...

As DGPs can bring their presents and do exchange of grandparent presents to and from everyone later in the day.. if that suits OP better?