AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

There is probably a lot more to this and a whole family dynamic you’re not sharing. But just remember that one day your child might tell you “We just want to be with our own family”. It might sting.

I had the same as a child. We were not allowed to open our presents on Christmas morning, we had to wait until our GP arrived at about 3pm.

The morning was spent going to work with our father and then we came home and helped our mother cook a very elaborate Christmas dinner.

Everything was centred around the GP and putting on a show for them. . So now as a parent I have Christmas Day entirely for my children and I won’t have any guests. They are welcome to my home on other days over the festive period.

You have no idea how old I am, or how old my DCs are. So you don't know whether I already have experience of this or not.

As it happens they're grown up, and no I don't think I have any right to barge into their homes whenever I feel like it.

I think that you need to gently point out to them that the trouble with their perfect plans are that they hurt your feelings.

You feel rejected by their wish never to have dinner with you on Christmas Day but you could accept with that if you could have a simple Xmas with your family. But as it is, their morning visit ruins that and by coming in the morning they ignore your feeling of being overwhelmed.

Tell them if they want to come over for Christmas they are welcome, but they need to come to visit all your family, not just your children.

Imagine if this was the other way round.
Granny and grandpa want to quiet Xmas morning before all family arrive. Have a lovely cup of tea and special breakfast just the 2 of them.
But the DIL or DD wants to come round at 7am with all the kids and presents. Kids are noisy and excited tearing opening presents and loud toys going off all over the place. Wizzing round the rooms on their new toys.
Grandparents have said can you come later when the present opening is done but the DD doesn’t listen and insists on bringing round the kids at 7am.
Yes it’s family but it’s different house holds and different ways of doing things. Nothing wrong with that and their wishes should be listened to and accepted.
when my kids marry / have a long term partner and have kids, that will be their immediate family and their wishes come first. I am their mum but they have a new immediate family and their wishes (and that of their spouse) come first over me- it’s may be hard but that’s the way it should be!

Does this mean the kids need to wait to open their gifts for the grand parents to arrive? My fond memories of Christmas involve my siblings and I getting up probably around 5am to open our Santa gifts. It was magical. My very bleery eyed parents would come down and watch us and then one of them would probably go back to bed.

Anyway, I digress. If you don’t want them there then tell them politely. I like the suggestion of Christmas Eve.

Did you miss the fact that OP has already tried to talk to them politely, on repeated occasions? If so, it's easy to find, it's right there in her original post.

If people ignore a polite request then you basically either have to let it drop or you have to repeat yourself a bit more forcefully. OP wants to know whether taking the second option is unreasonable; my view is that it is not.

They are your parents, not "visitors"!

You can spend Christmas any how you want, and that's absolutely fine.

Literally this! It must be a cultural thing, as I really don't understand this concept of your family only being your family if you married them or they came out of your vagina. Where your parents are considered extended family, and rude if they dare to drop by without eleventy billion weeks notice...😒

I would never not let mine in if they turned up (a nice little trick my mum does when I’ve asked her not to come).

But the dynamic is completely different when there are extra people there.

Most homes would also struggle to seat 4 extra adults.

If you’ve got children then you’ve already done Christmas mornings.
It’s not fair that you should push your way into someone else’s when you could do something else and see them at a different time.

Some posters are acting like it’s no big deal but if that’s the case then why’s it a big deal to the parents and PIL.

As someone who is happily divorced and having recently having lost both parents I can honestly say it is a relief that I no longer have obligations over the Christmas period. Of course I'd love to have my parents back but we had different ideas of what was a relaxing Christmas Day, and when I had in-laws the pressure to visit and not spend more time with my parents (we never did) was awful. You should spend Christmas with whomever makes you happy and don't feel guilty about it. The idea that an accident of birth brings obligations you wouldn't accept from friends is daft. I have invitations to see lovely friends and I shall go visiting and then come home, raise a glass, watch and old film and fall asleep on the sofa with the dog and slightly pickled. It's fab.

@Doicompromise your parents will not give a monkeys about how your house looks or how anyone looks on the morning. There is no need for a show. They just want to be there for understandable reasons.
Regarding the lunch, did they used to stay? Did they stop coming to give you a break with the children? More background needed here.

There are an awful lot of people on this thread with no concept that other people’s parents may not be like their own parents.

My parents were always “visitors” because they chose to act like visitors. Turn up, sit on sofa, wait for refreshments to be brought, expect grandchildren to be paraded in front of them, expect to be entertained.

OP, you just do what you like, but communicate with you parents. They need to know when they are invited and that you won’t be opening the door if they ignore you. They need to know you’re a bit offended by them choosing to see their gcs but not choosing to stay and enjoy the company of the adults at dinner.

Yes, very much this, it’s your house, your rules, but how sad that your parents are considered visitors and are only welcome by appointment

OP I completely feel for you. I would not want my mother (or my in laws for that matter) arriving bright and early (for so many reasons, and you obviously have yours too which is understandable whatever they are) because it would change the whole dynamic. My mother is overbearing and tries to manage how the kids open their gifts then makes sneery comments about what other people have given them... Yours hopefully isn't like this but however she is if you don't want her there that's fine! But only YOU can change it.

You must say to her now, so she has time to change her plans - I'd suggest inviting them on Christmas Eve or boxing day so they can give their gifts to the GC and see them opening them. Be honest but firm and explain that "this year it's just going to be us at home on Xmas morning so please do come over on Xmas eve\whenever for gifts".

Good luck

I wish my Dad was still here to enjoy all those bits of magic. My children have missed out hugely from the hole that he has left.

Children won't be young forever, no.

Grandparents aren't around for ever either. Enjoy your parent's company whilst you can.

I don't think you've replied about some posters' questions about who they go to for Xmas dinner.

I could be wrong, but it seems that your main gripe is that they are arriving for the quick, fun bit and you feel resentful that they then leave and you don't feel valued?

You are entitled to tell them when they are invited, and you are entitled not to let them in if they are early or otherwise not invited. If you tell them they will not be let in when they do this, you must mean it and stick to it. You might have to prewarn the little ones in some age-appropriate way because the way these people will continue to get what they want is to make you feel guilty for it turning into a shitshow when it's their fault.

For other readers, this is the sort of thing you need to nip in the bud the first time it happens, firmly. It IS much harder after it's gone on some time, OP. But you can still make the change.

Btw I am sick of hearing about these rude pushy domineering grandparents all over the place but especially on Christmas threads every year. Dear reader, if that is you, back off!

It's quite rude they want to call the shots, enjoy the sun bits then bigger off.

As then missing lunch with you send to be the part that troubles you, could you word it like that? "We'd love to see you of you're staying for lunch, but if you're only coming for the present-opening then going elsewhere we'd rather have a less chaotic morning without all the coming and going, so we'll just see you in the afternoon, thanks."

your parents are considered visitors and are only welcome by appointment

Some people like to have their parents or other relatives drop in at all hours but for others it doesn't work well for them, for a really wide range of reasons. And vice versa.

As an adult I don't turn up at my parents house unannounced, and they don't turn up at mine either. Except in emergencies when of course it is fine. Our relationships are fine, we are a supportive family, we just prefer those boundaries.

Tell them you've found Jesus and will be spending Christmas morning at church.

Just say sorry the invite is for lunch not anything else

There are an awful lot of people on this thread with no concept that other people’s parents may not be like their own parents.

My parents were always “visitors” because they chose to act like visitors. Turn up, sit on sofa, wait for refreshments to be brought, expect grandchildren to be paraded in front of them, expect to be entertained.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here.

If you’re fortunate enough to have both parents and PIL who can come and not change the dynamic - then that’s great and there’s no real reason to not let them come.

But if you’ve got ones that do change the dynamics, then I can completely see why you’d not want you or your child’s experience affected, just to please someone else.

You can’t invite one set of parents without the other.
So that’s 4 extra adults which is more than likely going to impact the dynamics in some way.

I can imagine the ones that will have the greatest impact on the dynamic of Christmas Day, are also the ones that are pushing their way into coming to Christmas morning for the ‘magic’.
As those who are more easy going would probably have already been invited.

Btw I personally have no such visitation issues past or present in my family including in-laws, aunties etc so I am not projecting. I just know too many people whose family lives are too disrupted by family members at Christmas or all the time who can't take no for an answer, behave poorly, have unreasonable expectations, and sometimes to the detriment of the nuclear family's health and wellbeing, to be frank. They are certainly not thinking about the children, only themselves.

Depends on your relationship with them.....but my parents did this every year and I'd give my last breath for them to still be able to do this after losing my father recently....

Don't live with regrets is the only advice I can give.