AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

Time to be firm.

Or tell them you’re going away for Xmas? (But don’t)

I got an absolute roasting for asking similar years ago!

I totally get you. I put in place a solution that meant we enjoyed our daughter on Christmas morning without her (well meaning) granny taking over.

With hindsight I am so glad I stuck up for my immediate family, and myself. I have the most beautiful memories of chilled family time opening Santa's stocking at our pace and enjoying every second.

Good luck 🤞

Hi op you do what you want to do - your parents are not listening or respecting your wishes. I understand YOU want that special time with your children on Xmas morning and that’s ok - are your parents bullies? Do they need to get their own way? Be firmer like others have said.

Impossible to give real advice because so much depends on the family dynamics. If the parents have a history of being pushy and overriding the OP's wishes, she should absolutely put her foot down and push back on this. But if they're normal relaxed parents who don't expect a fuss made over them, it could be that she's being a bit precious about those "magical moments", which is honestly a horribly twee phrase, and in my experience the kind of parents who say it are the kind who expect everyone to revolve around their "little family".

But it's a case where actions have consequences. OP's parents have told her that they have to come in the morning, if they're to see her at all, because they have dinner plans. So OP's suggestion of coming after lunch will mean they don't visit. So if OP tells them that, they will take it to mean that OP doesn't want to see them on Xmas at all. Hurt feelings will ensue. There will be seething, resentment and maybe a rift.

Like I said, if the parents are toxic then that might be a blessing. But if they're not, and if OP wants to maintain a proper relationship with them, I don't think barring them from Xmas morning is a good idea.

I suspect OP is mostly put out that her parents are choosing to have Xmas dinner somewhere else, somewhere more fun and enjoyable for them - perhaps at her child-free sibling's house? Maybe she interprets that as a rejection of her own children and this is a bit of a "well if you don't want to see the GC for dinner you don't get to see them on Xmas at all" flounce.

Wow. You don't have to cook them dinner but you consider them 'visitors' and don't want them there so they can share your children opening presents (which won't be forever because soon your children will grow up and wont get up until lunch time on Xmas day). Just wait until you're a grandparent.

Agree with you OP! We once asked PIL to Xmas lunch and they were expected between 11-11:30. They turned up at 8!!! We weren’t even up. It was so incredibly stressful as I felt totally caught on the hop, the dinner needed cooking and they expected to be entertained. Not to mention the kids and presents and so on. Ended up in bed with a migraine - which I only get once every couple of years or so 😭

You’d soon think differently if they transgressed as visitors.

This is a thread where I am Absolutely Certain that if this was the MIL riding roughshod over the family's wishes, the majority of responses (not all) would be you have a DH problem if he's not prepared to be straight with his parents and tell them no. Tell them. Give them a different day if you want to.

I very much suspect that your mother demanding her own way isn't limited to Christmas.

Why are you treating your parents like visitors? Why is them being there affecting you being able to enjoy your kids opening their presents? Just let them come, see the presents being opened, and off they go. You can enjoy the rest of your day without them then.

If, like other posters say above, they expect the house to be tidy and a full breakfast etc, ignore that expectation. They want to come to enjoy the gift opening, so let them come for that!

The only acceptable reason I see for saying come after a certain time is that you will all still be asleep. Just let them know what time you will be awake at, open the door for them when they arrive, sit them down to enjoy the gifts being opened, and they'll go off soon after.

So where are they going for Christmas dinner they would rather be than yours? Can't whoever they are going to visit have dinner at yours also? If they bring a contribution I used to take dessert and some drinks. We took it in turns so one year we did Christmas day with them the next we did boxing day.

Why do your parents and you no longer have dinner together? Because I think that IS the key issue. You didn't mind them turning up early when it was part of an overall day, but now, they're dong only what is convenient for them.

Also, when do they arrive? Because I have made it clear for years that we will NOT be waiting for random other family members to turn up to open presents. We open our presents when the DC wake up. As other family members turn up or we go to theirs, we then have multiple present opening sessions. But I'm not asking my DC to sit around waiting until Granny and Granddad arrive at 9:30.

Change the narrative hate that phrase. Say what you're doing and they fit in. That's what happens once you have kids.

We stay home now anyone can come whatever time they like Christmas Day after 12. We have pil on Christmas Eve so they get to help with the Santa plates and my family 'do' is Boxing Day and it's the best day, no stress no kids who have been up since 4am.

I wouldn’t think of my parents as “visitors”. I’d think of them as family, so it would be lovely to have them there.

But as you don’t feel like that, tell them it doesn’t work for you. Have them over on Boxing Day or something

What time do they arrive? What time would you like them?

I hope you don’t make children wait until they’ve arrived to open gifts?

@MamGetUsOneOfThemToKeep I was thinking the same, perhaps it's because I'm a lone parent to I actually enjoy having others to share these special memories with, sometimes it's nice to have people to bounce off "remember the year DC got such and such"

I suppose it depends on family dynamic, ours is pretty relaxed and we have no issue sitting about in PJ's, getting our own cuppa etc. If you expected to "host" then no, i don't think i'd like that as you'd feel detached from being an active participant.

Is this about the fact they dontcwamtvto stay.if they wanted to be with u for lunch too would u want them at them time they usually come?if so your post doesn't make sense because then it's clearly about your hurt not the time.
But if you can honestly say otherwise then of course its ok.you do just have to firmly tell them though.i don't no how they can possibly get the wrong idea or decide different if you say." Mum dad we are going to do presents and the morning with just us and the kids this year." Then the swiftly softly bit "But obviously we need to see you so could you come afyer.of how about we have fish and chip supper Xmas eve?what do u think?"

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. If you parents are nice people to be around, then I'm not sure why you can't enjoy a relaxed morning with them opening presents. Having grandparents around is fun for kids! Or is there a back story here about their behaviour? Seems particularly odd that you want them to stay for dinner, so "punish" them by restricting time they do spend with you.

I imagine that after your parents want to be able to enjoy a few drinks with and after their Xmas dinner and not worry about driving over to you later. As well as wanting to see the kids open presents. If drinking is not the issue, could you save some presents for your kids to open in the afternoon with your parents?

They are your parents! What a strange attitude to have.

Ooh tricky one. I’d say this is a situation where some level of compromise could be reached. Could you designate a specific day over Christmas to be Grandparents’ Day and exchange their presents then? Make it really special and everyone might look forward to it. Would probably only take a couple of years to get established as a tradition.

Or could they alternate years when they go to you for the main Christmas meal instead of rushing off somewhere else?

My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”

They'd have had to get a wriggle on at our house, DDs used to be up at 4.30am 😂

Why don't PIL bring their presents for the kids to open at 11.30/12pm, then you eat at 2pm? That's what we've always done whether we're at PILs or vice versa for Christmas dinner. We open some presents together but they don't come over when we're opening the bulk of the presents in the morning.

Honestly some attitudes on here are nuts I agree if it was the ILs rocking up then DH would be getting told to get it sorted.

How comfy are any of us sitting around in pjs in front of other people?

Op the fact they are going to lunch elsewhere doesn't actually matter. They are doing their thing and turning up at their convenience to inconvenience you.

Your parents are your family as well. Odd that you can't see that.

Yes I'd agree, but I wouldn't be that comfy sitting around in PJs in front of my Dad or FiL.
And I'm quiet sure my DH would feel the same. Not that comfy siting around in front of his mother or MIL in his pjs.

In front of my own parents (or ex PIL), I am 100% comfortable sitting around in my pyjamas. This is what I meant upthread by saying that it's crazy to ask random strangers on the internet for advice because we don't know the ins and outs of her family's dynamics. Maybe the OP doesn't like being in pjs in front of her parents, but I wouldn't say it's unusual to not be bothered by it.

Velvetween no need to lie. Just be honest