AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

Suggestion is woman up and tell them! You don't want them there. You have not invited them. Tell them they ARE NOT COMING.

This! One day your children may think about you in the same way.

You sound bitter that they’re not having lunch with you.

I don’t see how they can cause so much ‘chaos’ tbh. Unless there’s a massive backstory about them wanting to be waited on hand and foot or something.

The Santa years are only few and often the Grandparent years are too. Make the most of it.

Yes, because thats really showing them the true meaning of Christmas!

I don't know what other people on the internet can tell you about your family dynamics. It depends on your relationship with your parents, what's expected in hosting the morning slot, why you're annoyed about the Christmas dinner thing and a hundred other variables ... personally, I couldn't get on board with the idea that both you and your parents consider kids opening their presents to be the most 'magical' part of Christmas, but each to their own. The point is that other people's Christmases will be different, how can we tell you what is or isn't reasonable in your specific circumstances without knowing the ins and outs of the family?

YANBU. The suggestion of Christmas Eve above is also a good one.

Is the true meaning of Xmas letting everyone walk all over you, and having uninvited guests ruin your day?

I'm always interested in the facts when grandparents say it's tradition and we do it this way, as sometimes they forget that they didn't agree to that with their parents when they had young DCs...

Ie it's a "tradition" they started and want to continue .. impose ... on their grown adult children and grandchildren

It's always worth thinking about that, when you have slightly bossy parents (DGPs to your DCs

(This isn't about Xmas) but my favourite saying to my mum and dad (DGPs go my children) - who are lovely 🥰- is to ask sometimes "Did you let your parents do that when we were young though mum? ... I remember it differently ..."

I think they've got a bit of a cheek, to be honest.

They appear to want to decide their itinerary for the day, and everybody else has to fit in with their plans.

They want to enjoy the 'special' bit of seeing your dc open their presents, but they don't want the other main 'special' bit - eg eating Christmas dinner with you, but prefer to go elsewhere for that, because it appears yours isn't good enough.

Whose house have they invited themselves to do they go to for Christmas dinner?

Is the true meaning of Christmas just having a bun fight over opening presents? .

Just be firm ... we would love to see you on X day at Y time .. you can bring your gifts for the DC then. There are all sorts of 'reasons' you could give them if they are awkward, 'we are scaling back on presents this year so don't want a big ceremony' or 'we are planning to go to Church in the morning (or insert walk, friends house etc etc). 'Now that the DC are older we are spreading the gifts over the day' etc etc.

Are they expecting you and the house to be immaculate, with brunch and coffee served etc etc ? If that’s the case, I can see why you’re irritated. Otherwise, I’m not really comprehending the problem. You have time alone when they head off at lunch time, surely? I think the arrangement sounds rather nice, as long as they’re not too demanding.

Just tell them they can’t come!
Ans tell them exactly what you’ve said here.

I think it's kind of sad you think of your Mum and Dad as visitors.

There are are only a handful of Father Christmas years. If your parents can rock up with gifts while you're in your PJs and everyone has a cuppa watching the children open presents it can be a very easy way of seeing them over Christmas. Maybe ask them to bring breakfast pastries? No hassle for you, children see their grandparents, everyone's enjoyed the excitement of the little ones, and then they leave and you have a whole day together, just your little family.

It feels like you want to punish them for not having Christmas dinner with you rather than "phew, a lot of extra work avoided."

If you honestly don't feel relaxed around your parents that's a different kettle of fish.

Time to start going to Church on Christmas morning……( only joking)

I think it's rude of them to turn up their noses at spending dinner with you and demand to come at a particular time instead. I'd stand firm OP.

Christmas or not we are all still entitled to have our boundaries @Soontobe60 . OP has told her parents that she'd rather they didn't come first thing in the morning, and they have ignored her. She's now well within her rights to tell them a bit more forcefully that they aren't welcome then.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be put into the role of host first thing on Xmas morning
It depends on her relationship with her parents.

My dad would just chill and make toast but I'd end up making sure everyone had tea/food/ a nice time with anyone else

My parents live really close and don't come for Xmas morning, we usually FaceTime sort of midway through gifts or after and the kids show them what they have, they have never asked to come for the morning but we do go there for dinner.

Maybe it's just a family tradition thing as my grandparents never came until about 11ish onwards on Xmas morning when we were growing up. I don't think your being unreasonable at all, but you'll have to tell them instead of asking them; and don't feel bad it's your decision.

Anyone who doesn't live in the house is a visitor

I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.

They are being rude to ride roughshod over your wishes.

So you need to be firmer and tell them you won’t be having any visitors until after 2pm (or whatever time after lunch is).

If they want to be part of the magic tell them they can arrive at 6am when the kids get up to open the Santa presents! What other 'magic' are they talking about?

Potayto, potahto, I guess, @BananaFluff - my young adult children who live elsewhere are never visitors, this is one of their homes too. It's my Dad's home-away-from-home. Close family aren't visitors to me.

YANBU. PIL had every single Xmas morning present opening with SIL DC over the years. They're now older teens and let's just say this over involvement has backfired as the DC got older, and GP became a source of frustration pushing their way into everything.
If you don't want them there then that's what happens.
How come they're getting their own way in your house? Do you still do as you're told? SIL still does.
They've done all this before, you haven't so your wants trump theirs.

Just remember, one day you'll be the grandparent not the parent. Be careful what behaviour you model to your children, who may well decide to continue that tradition on in the future...

I'd quite like not having the stress of sorting Christmas dinner for other people and then being able to lounge about after the meal and not worry about visitors turning up when we were relaxing and kids playing with toys.

I would probably prefer them coming about mid-morning, when you have already had some special time with your kids, you can then have coffee and biscuits with GPs whilst your kids open their presents and then wave the GPs off and have the rest of the time to you