AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

raising independent, confident little people is so important

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Doicompromise It's your house and your children. Do what YOU want to do. I think it's a bit much for them just to watch the children open their presents and then go somewhere else for dinner. Let them give their presents for your children to you beforehand and then do a zoom meeting so they can watch the children opening THEIR presents. That is what my daughter does if I don't see them for Christmas.

I lost my Mum to cancer last year and my Dad has dementia and is in a care home now. I would give anything for them to still be able to see my kids open their presents. Just saying- enjoy the time you have with your parents - it doesn't last long.

That works both ways. My parents never really babysat for us. I could count on them in an emergency though. They also decided that we wouldn't have grandparents or extended family. So now they also get to reap what they sow:
Insular Chistmas mornings with just parents and children being the norm for me.

Was going to leave this thread as it is in turn both nauseating and hilariously bonkers, but wanted to show solidarity with LuckySantangelo and Blossomtoes

What other day of the year is it acceptable behaviour to go visiting anyone, family or friends before dawn?

That is MN the land of people who don't answer the door to anyone unless they are expected.

This thread is some sort of parallel universe. Where the Op is being guilt tripped into having parents round at the crack of dawn.
If it was a MIL thread her DH would be taking a pounding and she'd be told she has a DH problem.

As the children get older they’ll be getting up earlier, are your parents going to be there for 6am if not earlier when that happens? I think my 13 daughter stayed awake and snuck down after I went to bed last year 🥴 (she only had a look).

Our families always come over in the afternoon and we tend to do a Christmas super instead due to our mother’s work commitments and it takes the stress off ensuring it’s all ready for lunch time. Never once have they wanted to be there first thing, obviously they want to be there for when their presents are opened.

Maybe let it slide this year and say to them next year you’d appreciate it if they came over for lunch and enjoyed them playing with their presents instead of the grand unveiling? Then it gives them time to rearrange whatever lunch plans they’ve made for next year and alternate it yearly?

I can't believe the selfishness on this thread. It's not about you, it's about the kids, and mine adore their grandparents. How would you feel when you get rejected from Christmas day with your kids and grandkids, saying they want their own time? Because that's what will happen. My SIL does this and it drives me nuts.

Think.... They raised you and without them you wouldn't even have your own little family! It's rude and disrespectful. They deserve better. Christmas is about family. As a child I have lovely, amazing memories of Christmas day with grandparents, all helping out. But then, we were extremely close... 🤷🏼‍♀️

@abs12 she isn't rejecting them on Christmas day. They'd be welcome after lunch at a more civilised hour but that's not what the parents want.

Is it really selfish to get an hour or two with your kids on Christmas morning without feeling you have to be hostess with the mostess?

Totally unfair for the GPs to be in the living room with the kids while poor mum is relegated to the kitchen doing tea and breakfast.

When we were younger my dad’s parents liked to spend Christmas with my granny‘s sister and mum, so they used to set off at 5am to get to where they lived in Scotland for 9am every Christmas morning. I think they wanted us to go too sometimes but my dad refused to do that much of a drive on his two days off, so they used to come on Xmas Eve, watch us open our presents off them, have a wine and then go home to bed about 9pm. We used to really enjoy it actually and became a bit of a tradition. It’s nice to extend Christmas outside of just Christmas Day IMO

@Dinoteeth ‘Totally unfair for the GPs to be in the living room with the kids while poor mum is relegated to the kitchen doing tea and breakfast’

totally agree with this

@abs12 it’s lovely that your parents are so involved with Christmas morning, but I suspect you have the sort of relationship where they come in and you say ‘ morning mum and dad, stick the kettle on, kids are in the living room starting presents, there’s croissants in cupboard if you want one’ this is how I’d be with my own parents and we’d all laugh if toddler dd was sat in her Pants, covered in head to toe chocolate at 8am, totally wired from excitement and bouncing off the sofa onto grandad’s head and knocking his glasses flying, and being given even more chocolate by nana just because! . Now that’s a fun Christmas morning for the kids ! If it was my MIL unfortunately I’d be worried about dd being grubby, making sure she had clean Christmas pjs on, and be expected to have a quiet civilised present opening where I provide tea and toast on a tray and make notes of everything dd got and from who so I can do thank you notes (thank you notes are very important to MIL). DP wouldn’t be doing the tea and toast in the kitchen whilst dd opened her presents because he wouldn’t even think to do it and MIL would ask me directly if she could have some. He would then get to bloody watch dd open her gifts whilst I fannied with warming a tea pot ! I think context is key here and what’s best for the kids is what’s the most fun and enjoyable for them too

You have every right to spend Christmas exactly as you like as long as you include your parents in it somewhere. We told our kids that they could do what they liked as long as we were included in it somewhere. So they usually open their presents in the morning and then come round for lunch and then we open the main presents for us in the afternoon. Your parents are being totally selfish in that they want their cake and eat it. Tell them you would prefer them to come round in the afternoon as it is more convenient for you after they have had lunch. If they are reasonable people they will see it. If they are not reasonable people they will have to lump it. The other part of our family prefers Christmas on their own so they come Christmas Eve. Why do we have to make this time of year the time of conflict?

So don't expect free childcare and pay for a sitter for a night out. I absolutely agree that entitlement works both ways

Totally unfair for the GPs to be in the living room with the kids while poor mum is relegated to the kitchen doing tea and breakfast.

Of course it is but it doesn’t have to be like that. Just hand them a cup of something on arrival (two minutes) and open a pack of Danish pastries. Job done.

Are they guests? I wouldn't consider my parents as guests, they would be welcome any time. But they would also be very respectful of our plans as well. I guess it depends on your relationship.

That doesn’t seem to be the issue. It’s that Op wants to have the magical bit with just her DC and DH….. I think it’s worth remembering…her DC will have their own offspring and Op may well be relegated to coming when it’s convenient. I expect most families in the country have extra family on Christmas morning….just a shame Op feels it’s too precious to share.

Exactly. You've just said it yourself, depends on your relationship. Not everyone has a great relationship with their parents, particularly with those who don't respect their wishes.

Do it stand up for yourself as a mother and say to your parents they are not allowed to come over Xmas morning they have had their time with their children and many

@Blossomtoes if only it were that easy with some family !!

It is, especially if it’s that or nothing.

Might be normal in your circles to have people over on Christmas morning but of many it's far more normal to visit for lunch or dinner rather than be their for Christmas morning.

Said it like a pro Solonge.

@Blossomtoes it’s really really not with some people. Asking my MIL to put the kettle on is akin to asking her to run the cat over

So you make the tea/coffee - how long does it take? And to lob a pastry on a plate.