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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

341 replies

Doicompromise · 08/11/2022 14:06

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 16:48

Daisychainsx · 08/11/2022 16:44

I get it, if you want to have a relaxed morning as a family that's absolutely fine. Give them their santa presents in the morning and tell family you'll do family presents all together at 11. Just say there's no point them coming earlier because the kids might be up at 5 or they might be up at 7 and you're not going to make them wait for their santa presents. Best of both worlds and it spreads the presents out throughout the day which is always a good idea!

You're allowed to have your own special traditions and time together just as a family unit!

@Doicompromise

”a relaxed morning as a family”

erm OP’s parents ARE family!

Nimo12 · 08/11/2022 16:50

Crumbs, I'd never stop my parents coming over Christmas morning. What is it you think they'll ruin for you? I agree with pp that you're probably a bit miffed they want to have dinner somewhere else, but just make special memories once they leave?

aloris · 08/11/2022 16:51

If this were me I think I would "problem solve" it in a pragmatic way. Your parents may have underlying needs that are driving their behavior. Maybe they are not up to being at your place in the evening for dinner, and want to see you earlier in the day before their stamina runs out. Or, maybe they find the drive back from your house to theirs to be a challenge in the nighttime. Or, maybe they just like having dinner with their neighbors better. I don't think you have an obligation to ruin your cozy mornings because they have a better offer for dinner in the evening, but if the issue is the nighttime driving then you might be able to find a way to accommodate them.

From your own perspective, I think it is completely reasonable to want to carve out some time just for your own little family in the mornings, without having to host. Guests, even wonderful guests, do change the dynamic, and you have to be considerate to their needs and be "on". I also understand how you feel about dinner: if the guests are there early, and then leave, then the day feels like it has a "downward" trajectory, where dinner is anti-climactic, in a way, as opposed to the upward trajectory that we usually associate with Christmas, where the mornings are low-key and cozy, and the big social event is in the afternoon/evening, with a nice dessert to top off the festivities. Having them come for presents in the morning and then leave for dinner, takes away both aspects of your own enjoyment: the cozy, non-hosting morning part, and the crescendo of the evening social event.

Whatever you decide, I think you should tell them rather than ask them. Consider their needs and plan something that accommodates both you and them as much as you feel able, but set a boundary by telling them what you have decided rather than asking if your decision is acceptable. Then stick to it.

Roselilly36 · 08/11/2022 16:53

YANBU at all, yes I get that the GP want to see the children, but they have had those Christmas mornings with their own children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 16:55

WOW!

some people on here …. You are gonna get such a shock when your precious little darlings grow up and get into a relationship and have their own kids and then no longer want to see you or have you involved cos they just want to be on their own with their “own little family” !!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 16:58

Roselilly36 · 08/11/2022 16:53

YANBU at all, yes I get that the GP want to see the children, but they have had those Christmas mornings with their own children.

@Roselilly36

what’s so bad about them being there though??

what will it change?

AuntieMarys · 08/11/2022 17:00

We have politely declined stepdaughter's invitation to see the gc open their gifts at 8.30am.
Could think of nothing worse.

ClaudineClare · 08/11/2022 17:01

You kids will grow up, your parents won't be around forever. I'd just let them be part of it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 17:02

thing47 · 08/11/2022 14:35

They don't get to dictate when they come @Doicompromise, it's your house and your kids. Just tell them they can't come before xxx time, and if they turn up early just don't let them in. You just need to learn to stand up to them a bit.

@thing47

why would anyone act like such a twat to their own parents? Especially at Christmas

WhatTheHellIsHappeningHere · 08/11/2022 17:05

AgentProvocateur · 08/11/2022 14:12

There are a limited number of years left when your children will believe in Santa/get up early. It’s up to you, but quite telling that you consider your parents ‘visitors’, and yes, they will be hurt if you tell them you don’t want them there for the ‘special bit’.

I have to agree.

Children opening presents is one of the most magical things about Christmas. I loved having my mum there when my kids were small, for my sake, for her sake, for their sakes.

There are also a limited number of Christmases that you'll be able to spend with your parents.

Blossomtoes · 08/11/2022 17:05

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 08/11/2022 14:11

If your parents can just show up while everyone is in their PJs, and they put on the kettle for a cup of tea, then I think you’re being a bit unreasonable - if I were a grandparent, I think I’d also love to see the GCs on Christmas morning! (Them not coming to dinner is something I’d keep as a separate issue). My parents tend to come over fairly early and spend the day with us. I love it, but then, we’re close.

That said, if the expectation is that you need to fully tidy the house and get everyone dressed for your parents’ arrival, make them coffee and lay out a special breakfast for them… then YANBU.

Yes this. My parents were never “visitors”, they were welcome here any time.

Valeriekat · 08/11/2022 17:07

Your house, your family, your rules.

WhatTheHellIsHappeningHere · 08/11/2022 17:07

Roselilly36 · 08/11/2022 16:53

YANBU at all, yes I get that the GP want to see the children, but they have had those Christmas mornings with their own children.

Right so yeah screw them, no more special Christmas moments for them 😂

What a way to treat your own parents!!

Blossomtoes · 08/11/2022 17:09

I remember my dad getting upset about this when my grandad just turned up early one Christmas morning. He was made to sit elsewhere till we had finished.

Wtaf? I can’t believe people do stuff like that. It’s batshit.

thing47 · 08/11/2022 17:09

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 17:02

@thing47

why would anyone act like such a twat to their own parents? Especially at Christmas

Because she doesn't want them there and they refuse to get the message?

Or do you think grandparents' wishes override what the parents want, even in their own home? What a bizarre point of view.

Roselilly36 · 08/11/2022 17:10

@LuckySantangelo35 we used to open Christmas presents with our children Christmas morning in our nightwear, I wouldn’t fancy doing that in front of my Parents or IL’s, so it changes the dynamic of the day, as you need to tell the children to wait until you and ready and the GP have arrived etc.

PurpleWisteria1 · 08/11/2022 17:12

Halloweenshock · 08/11/2022 16:33

So OP in 30 years time when your current kids have children and they firmly tell you that you are not allowed to see them open their presents, would you be fine with that? Would it not be nicer if you let them watch their grandchildren open their presents in the hope that you got to watch your grandchildren in the future too? You just sound like a very cold, controlling person to me.

Why would any grandparent be so insensitive to not realise that the parents might want to have that moment just to themselves? I really hope that when my kids have kids, I haven’t had a thoughtfulness bypass and leave my kids to enjoy their kids special moments just them. I will be perfectly happy to be involved later on in the day!

CarefreeMe · 08/11/2022 17:13

YANBU

You can spend your Christmas however you want to.

My parents sound like yours and my mum is quite controlling so needs to be a part of everything.

My parents also don’t get on (they’re still in a relationship but just don’t talk) and it feels like they use us as a way of getting out of doing anything together.

We compromise now.
All the kids have their own Christmas mornings and then meet for dinner or after dinner together and open each other’s presents then or we’ve celebrated with just our little families on Christmas Day and then had a second Christmas on Boxing Day.

They do not need to be there ‘to see the magic’.
They’ve had their kids and they don’t get a say on how you do things with yours.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 17:13

thing47 · 08/11/2022 17:09

Because she doesn't want them there and they refuse to get the message?

Or do you think grandparents' wishes override what the parents want, even in their own home? What a bizarre point of view.

@thing47

as I say one day OP’s kids may feel the same way as her and you, see how she likes it then

ite some kids opening up some presents, no need to be so precious about it

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 17:14

Blossomtoes · 08/11/2022 17:09

I remember my dad getting upset about this when my grandad just turned up early one Christmas morning. He was made to sit elsewhere till we had finished.

Wtaf? I can’t believe people do stuff like that. It’s batshit.

Wow! That’s pathetic

PurpleWisteria1 · 08/11/2022 17:15

WhatTheHellIsHappeningHere · 08/11/2022 17:07

Right so yeah screw them, no more special Christmas moments for them 😂

What a way to treat your own parents!!

They can have plenty of special Christmas moments - they are not banning them from the whole of Christmas ffs. It’s not unreasonable for the mum and dad to want to spend Xmas morning first thing just them and their kids! Why are the grandparents barging in and being insensitive when it’s already been said to them that could they come later in the morning?

ChickinBell · 08/11/2022 17:16

If it doesn't suit your family you are going to have to be firm. They wouldn't over ride the decision if their friends said the same. They'd respect it

Nimo12 · 08/11/2022 17:16

thing47 · 08/11/2022 17:09

Because she doesn't want them there and they refuse to get the message?

Or do you think grandparents' wishes override what the parents want, even in their own home? What a bizarre point of view.

I think it's bizarre to act like a dick to grandparents wanting to see the grandkids open their presents. Not letting them in?! Christmas spirit and all that.

PurpleWisteria1 · 08/11/2022 17:16

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 17:13

@thing47

as I say one day OP’s kids may feel the same way as her and you, see how she likes it then

ite some kids opening up some presents, no need to be so precious about it

Is that all Xmas morning is to you? Wow. Your poor kids (if you have any that is)

Anoisagusaris · 08/11/2022 17:17

If my (deceased and NC) parents wanted to see my kids open their Santa presents they would have to be here at about 5am.

Why don’t you do Santa presents when your kids wake and then tell your parents to come at a more human time and the kids can open other presents then. They could come at 9am even and have breakfast with you after the early morning madness .