To think a grandparent should want to spend time with their grandchild/grandchildren?

[Woopwoo]

I understand grandparents shouldn’t HAVE to babysit grandchildren but why would they not WANT to (if they are physically able to do so)?

There are lots of threads on here from parents who struggle to get childcare due to various reasons, one being that grandparents can’t/won’t help out.

When I was younger I used to love going to my grandparents houses for dinner/sleepovers and they were always just as excited as me!

My parents don’t bother with my children and I feel really sad for them. They never ask to have them round at their house for dinner and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times they have had a sleepover (they are primary aged children)

If my children choose to have their own children when they grow up I would love to be the grandma and do lots of activities with them and have them for sleepovers! I just don’t understand why so many don’t?

I think this all the time - my parents get so much out of looking after their grandchildren! It's a whole new lease of life for them! So many of my friends have parents or in-laws who point blank refuse to have them for even half an hour. I find it very hard to relate to personally

My sons grandparents on fathers side cut contact a year after his dad assaulted me.
I just couldn't believe they would do it to a second grandchild. Though I don't know why I was surprised

It actually breaks my heart when I read about grandparents not wanting to spend much time with their grandchildren. My mum was terminally ill when my DS1 was born. She survived until he was 22 months old and spent every second that she could with him during those precious 22 months. I still get very upset about the fact that she never met DS2 (who is now 9) and that she hasn’t got to see what a special young man her oldest grandson has grown into. My dad spends so much time with his grandchildren. He says that he keeps him young.

It varies between GPs as everyone is different.
Neither set of GPs were particularly hands on when my DC were little and one GP usually forgets their birthdays doesn't bother with Xmas gifts ( DC they are in their teens)
I have friends whose parents have been really involved with their GC and love seeing them, been very supportive and have a close bond with GC. Sadly we haven't had this but I've just learnt to accept it.

You'll get loads here calling you unreasonable but I'm with you 100%.

My parents love seeing my children and do what they can as regards the odd babysit/sleepover (nothing mega regular/reliant!). But as a result the kids adore them, and DH and I get the odd desperately-needed break and time together. My own GPs mucked in with us as kids and now as an adult I regularly Ioad the kids on my days off and visit them of my own volition. I do it because I want to, but also I feel a duty to the time and effort they spent supporting my hardworking parents and fussing us kids.

The in-laws are retired, youngish, fit and able-bodied. Nothing but time on their hands. But they'll move mountains to avoid seeing the kids without us, even on the rarest occasion/emergency. My DC are well past the baby stage and very well behaved but I've realized the ILs simply CBA. I find it odd as hell but hey Ho. They'll reap what they sow.

I look after my DGS a lot; I love having him - he has his own room/toys/clothes here.

Not sure I'd be so keen if I had lots of GC though - one knackers me!

I hear grandparents complaining a lot about expectation being put on them. My own parents were pretty shit at that, some people just aren't good with children.

I have been a sahm for nearly 20 yrs, youngest is starting reception next year. No grandchildren yet, but I have no desire to be childcare for them when they do come along. I’ve done my bit raising children (and no I haven’t had any help from grandparents, mine are dead, MIL lives hours away) so am looking forward to getting back to work and when they are all older travelling with soon to be DH.

I should add that I'm a young GP (in my 40s!)

I think it's unreasonable to expect older GPs to look after young children - even the best behaved kids are hard work!

I never expected childcare of any description due to distance and age which is fair enough. It's been disappointing that DM has so little interest in my DCs though, and can barely muster token polite enquiries about them.

Looking at family relationships over the years, it's become clear that she's very selective about who she likes depending on how they fit her vision of how people should be. DS1 doesn't fit that at all and she clearly likes DS2's disposition more.

I have to travel to her, but there's few invitations and no reason to be in the county to "pop by". There's that many hoops to jump through that visiting often isn't practical. By the time she's worked to her timescales it's time for me to head home anyway.

I thought she'd value me and my family more. It is hard when you're surrounded by people with family support/ interest, and that makes it harder to build mutually reciprocal relationships with peers over things like babysitting when that is done within their families. Plus the whole grandparent thing gets so romanticised anyway. The DC's other GM was older, much further away and has died, and both GDs died long before they were born.

I think you are unreasonable but then I come from a big family and my DD has no grandparents.

The people who go out of their way to help me with DD are either younger family members who are childless or older family members their children aren't at the stage of giving them grandchildren.

When my own parents were alive they made it clear they wouldn't look after my nephews and nieces because they were or had just finished looking after their own children. They did like their company but the hands on care when their parents needed help was left to me, my other siblings and cousins who didn't have children.

Judging by threads on here, there are many things that some women think other people "should" want. This time it's grandparents, but sometimes it's men who apparently are exhibiting some sort of moral failure by not wanting something it would suit an OP for them to want.

The is no "should" when it comes to "wanting." People want what they want.

It's certainly pointless to generalisation about a whole age group especially when you don't even say which age group it is you are calling hypocrites. And, yes, I am against blanket generalisations with no evidence.

I love spending time with my 4 granddaughters. They live in a city 2 hours away, and the eldest 3 (4, 7 and 8) come to stay every holiday and half term. We live near North Wales and I've bought them walking boots, we climb hills and mountains, go camping, stomp through forests, streams and fields, have beach breakfasts and watch the sunrise, and dip in the sea with hot choc after. Its just fantastic and my life would be very boring without them. They keep me fit and young. It's hard work at times but so rewarding, they're such good company.
I would never miss out on any opportunity to see them.
I cannot understand grandparents who have no interest in their grandkids. Anyone can retire and do retirement activities, have a clean tidy house etc but to have grandkids is such a fantastic gift, grab it with both hands. They're just wonderful.

Inwas sent to grandparerts for the whole weekend lots and lots of times . Likewise to other relatives

so my dm knows what it is like to have a break and wanted this from
her relatives , but never offered to lool after her dgc. That seems strange to
me .

I think there is a middle ground between NC and childcare. Many people spent time with their grandparents with their parents and developed a good relationship. You don’t need to provide babysitting to develop that. The babysitting and overnights is for the parents to have a break. The relationship between grandchild and grandparents is about grandparents taking an interest and being present. Quality time is what’s important.

Often its grandmothers who are expected to pick up the slack, women who often worked and took the brunt of childcare then elder care then grandkids.

Understanding how hard parenthood is, and having had quite a lot of support from my own parents, I will do what I can for my own daughters if they start a family from wanting to help them out as well as spend time with my own kids. Do I think people should be obligated? No? But I do think that part of a loving family is to support those who have a lot going on in their lives and to want to get to know the younger members

We didn't spend too my time with our nan because she died by the time I was 5. Both grandads were dead before we were both.

My parents spent a lot of good quality time with my children, including taking them on holiday. They had then overnight fairly regularly (offered). They never had them for 'childcare'.

My own Grandchild is now so far away (150 miles) and it breaks my heart that I'll never be living close to them. I'd love to have them lots.

I'm a 44 yo woman and I've spent the last 26 years parenting.... in fact I've still got a teenager at home. I love my grand kids but I'm exhausted after raising 4 kids and my nephew. The very idea of having a baby/toddler overnight makes me feel physically unwell. It was absolutely my daughters choice to have kids but that doesn't mean I have to look after them over night and take them on holiday. I have the toddler for One 4-6 hour period a month with my husband and that is mainly because I feel guilted into it. I do occasionally choose to pick him up if I'm going shopping but that's only because he sleeps in the car and I only have to "care" for him in the trolley- but it means she gets 2-3 hours respite. We sure would if she hasn't just had another baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm the future as he gets older I might feel very differently and could even take the kids away for a weekend or something but it will be because it's MY choice.

I've noticed Great Grandparents are not so much in to their GreatGrandchildren . They are just too old to do anything with them and are likely to die when they are very small so GG will have no memories of them so they don't put much effort in . That's my mums explanation .

Because they're not their kids, and they've done their child raising years and don't want that responsibility again 🤷‍♀️

What I don't understand, is why so many people have children, just to hand them off to grandparents when they realise that being a parent is hard and can't be bothered to do the time themselves!

Totally agree there's a middle ground but would have thought a bit of babysitting (not regular fixed childcare!) is pretty close to it. It doesn't take over anyone's retirement but it's 1:1 with the kids that also gives the parents the odd break.

My ILs will only ever come to us to see the GCs, so it becomes an effort/obligation for us to host them on our weekends, in addition to working full time. I resent it as my youngish ILs could easily cope for a couple of hours whilst DH and I benefit from rare time alone, even just to run boring adult errands! Why should I give up my weekends so perfectly able GPs can say they've made an effort with the kids? But we always have to be available, if we weren't present they would literally never see the GC.

My DD has a very close relationship with my parents. They’ve not done a massive amount of childcare, but they have always taken interest in her life. As she went into her teen years they talked and texted with her and have meals together. It’s a warm loving relationship.

My in laws on the other hand, not one iota of interest in 20 years. No childcare whatsoever, not even an hour when we’ve been desperate, like for a hospital appointment. They don’t talk to her, don’t communicate even when she visits. She’ll get a cursory ‘hello’ and then ignore her for the next 2 hours. It’s not just her they are like it with, they are with their seven other grandchildren and even their great grandchildren now. However they will moan about how no one visits or calls them, can’t think why??

It’s such a shame. There doesn’t need to be a lot of childcare to have a warm relationship. But being completely disinterested in your grandchildren, I think is just very odd.

I'd like to know if there's any grandfathers out there helping with childcare etc? Let's face it when people are saying grandparents they mean the grandmother don't they. Or is it yet another thing only women are supposed to do.