To think a grandparent should want to spend time with their grandchild/grandchildren?

[Woopwoo]

I understand grandparents shouldn’t HAVE to babysit grandchildren but why would they not WANT to (if they are physically able to do so)?

There are lots of threads on here from parents who struggle to get childcare due to various reasons, one being that grandparents can’t/won’t help out.

When I was younger I used to love going to my grandparents houses for dinner/sleepovers and they were always just as excited as me!

My parents don’t bother with my children and I feel really sad for them. They never ask to have them round at their house for dinner and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times they have had a sleepover (they are primary aged children)

If my children choose to have their own children when they grow up I would love to be the grandma and do lots of activities with them and have them for sleepovers! I just don’t understand why so many don’t?

But why would they not want to

Because they don't want to, they don't have to have a reason. Nothing wrong with wanting, or not wanting to spend time with your grandchildren. Different people like different things.

I think our own grandparents became grandparents at a significantly younger age than we do nowadays so age, a busier lifestyle and a desire for more peace has kicked in.

I grew up without grandparents. Three died before I was born and the fourth was an old witch who thought I should have been aborted (I've seen the letters she wrote about this).

My ILs were wonderful GPs, always happy to help, but never interfering or undermining us. My DPs had no interest whatsoever. They were an hour away, but never came to see us. I used to visit them at my instigation twice a year.

We would love to help with our DGS but requests are turned down and offers ignored. DH feels it - a lot.

I'm not sure which generation you are referring to. My parents had no help with us as they lived too far away, I was born abroad due to my father's job. My parents helped me with odd days like school INSET but lived quite far away from me so couldnt help on a regular basis. I helped my daughter as much as I could because we lived quite close although I worked until I was 60, and spend a lot of time with my grandchildren.

I imagine you are most likely to be of my daughter's generation but YABVVU to make sweeping statements condemning whole generations. People and their situations differ widely.

I had no childcare help from my parents or in laws either. I went back to work when ds1 was 12 weeks old he went to a childminder that I paid for. I don't remember any of my friends having childcare from their parents or in laws either, it wasn't expected. That said I paid £35pw for ds1 to be cared for from 7.30 to 5.30 five days a week including all meals.

@CaptainMyCaptain

Of course I had to make 'sweeping generalisations' as I can hardly comment on everyone's individual circumstances. My parents generation were, on the whole, more likely to get more help from their parents than my generation does today. Your circumstances, as do many others, may differ and that's fine. I'm hardly unreasonable for stating it.

Everybody's situation differs which is exactly why you can't make that kind of generalisation.

Both my parents and in laws are amazing, they'd undoubtedly have the kids more (if I asked).

My 2yr old didn't sleep until a few months ago, and I was always very reluctant to ask them to babysit as I felt it wasn't fair on them to have a sleepless night with her.

But, I am my mother's child. It's important to her that I'm happy and well. She's happy for the kids to have sleepovers anyway, but moreso knowing I'm getting some well needed rest.

Being a parent doesn't stop when they turn 18/move out/have their own kids. The way you support them might change.

It's absolutely the Grandparents right to say no though. Whether we understand it or not.

I'd never ask parents or inlaws if I thought they didn't want to do it. But it would impact the relationship if they never wanted to.

@CaptainMyCaptain

So if everyone's situation always differs, then when is it ever appropriate to make a generalisation? Never?

I'm a Granny...and love it, and dropped to part time at work so that I could fill in the child care gaps as my DD2 and her dh are nurses so standard child care doesn't work.
But what drives me is I had no help when my four were small...no support from any grandparent and it was tough. So I am very happy to help, and I love the bond I have with my little grandson. I'm also in my 50s , quite fit and healthy and able to do it.
In 10 years it might be a different matter!

I know my DD2 is grateful that she can drop off my grandson at 6.30 am and go to work knowing he is happy to be with me, but I completely understand that some grandparents do not want to go through child rearing...which it is... all over again!!!!

I'm knackered by the end of the day!

I’m not sure how they’re hypocrites. Presumably if they had help they accepted it from parents willing to offer it. Conversely, they’re not willing to offer it, so they don’t.

It’s entirely different people making entirely different decisions.

This. I really can't be arsed to play Top Trumps for hours or dreary board games that I can't grasp the pointless rules of. When they're in their teens and I can have a proper conversation with them, fine. Happy to spend time with them. But, much as I love my grandchildren, I find the under 12s boring.
I think the assumption that grandparents have some sort of duty to be hands on is pretty insulting actually. I do have my own life.

Not really so much ironic as logical. If she struggled to cope with her own child day to day I guess she's not suddenly going to find it easier some 30 years later with someone else's.

My mum would have adored babysitting her grandchildren but she died before they were born. My dad didn’t even remember their birthdays.

No I mean I get it. I just find it dryly amusing that she got the support of my grandparents but I’m supposed to be the perfect mother without hers.
Spoiler alert I’m far from perfect but I do my best.

It also depends on how many grandchildren...

I don't enjoy spending time with children, it's boring and relentless, even though I love DD. And that's why I can't imagine not helping her out when she has children and I become a grandparent. Not regular childcare but being prepared to have GC for a few hours once every month or so. That sort of support would have made such a difference to me when DD was tiny.

I also suspect my mum finds small children boring and relentless and too much like hard work. The difference is that she chose to have two close together (I stopped at one) and then dumped them on her own housebound infirm mum for a few hours every week!

I also don't get how you can avoid the children when they're small and actively avoid doing anything with them, then expect them to have a relationship with you as teenagers or older?!

YANBU OP.

I too spent loads of time with my grandparents and grew up very close to them. My own parents never had to worry about childcare, but when it came to me needing help with childcare, I was always made to feel like it was a burden and as though I should be hugely grateful. Even though they definitely took for granted the amount of help they had with me. I’ve never understood the double standard.

My children didn't have childcare provided by parents or in laws but we visited regularly as a family. They loved all of them but adored FIL especially. When they were teens and FIL lost MIL they took it upon themselves without any prompting to go and spend time with him most weeks. My boys spent many weekends helping him in the garden or garage and my daughter went shopping with him not because it was expected or because he had done childcare but because they genuinely enjoyed his company and wanted to be there.

YABU everyone is different. I've very recently become a grandmother, (DGD is 3 months old). I've babysat a few times for a couple of hours whilst DSD has had things to do. But, whilst I absolutely adore DGD one of the the joys of being a grandparent is handing them back!

I hated the early years with my own kids, it was so bloody hard! My youngest is now 16 and life so much easier now.

My mum lives over 300 miles away. She hasn’t so much as spoken to DD on the phone since we visited her in July (5.5 hrs on the train with 3 changes and a short drive each end). I know she is exhausted as she still works, but am hugely sad for DD not to really have a relationship with her granny. Fortunately DD seems oblivious and is delighted to see her when we do visit.

Alot is circumstances are diffeence many grandparents are still in full time work when previously they weren't so they are shattered and don't have the energy to care for young children. There's nothing stopping you from taking your dc to see your parents and have a relationship that doesn't involve babysitting

I could have written this exact post, DHs parents only live a couple of hours away, DD1 was not their first grandchild however she was the first grandchild to live on the same continent as them and it still took them until she was 5 months old to grudgingly come and visit. DD1 is now 12 and hasn't seen them for years but both DH and I are absolutely fine with that; they were pretty useless parents and have proved similar as grandparents. My DC are fortunate to have a lovely set of grandparents on my side and various other brilliant family and family friends of the same generation who adore them and fulfil a grandparent type role 😊

This is so true. Also not every grandparent has boundless energy

This. I helped my elderly grandparents with care a lot and spent the last days of one’s life by their bedside.
My own parents won’t get that level of commitment and closeness. You definitely reap what you sow.