To think a grandparent should want to spend time with their grandchild/grandchildren?

[Woopwoo]

I understand grandparents shouldn’t HAVE to babysit grandchildren but why would they not WANT to (if they are physically able to do so)?

There are lots of threads on here from parents who struggle to get childcare due to various reasons, one being that grandparents can’t/won’t help out.

When I was younger I used to love going to my grandparents houses for dinner/sleepovers and they were always just as excited as me!

My parents don’t bother with my children and I feel really sad for them. They never ask to have them round at their house for dinner and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times they have had a sleepover (they are primary aged children)

If my children choose to have their own children when they grow up I would love to be the grandma and do lots of activities with them and have them for sleepovers! I just don’t understand why so many don’t?

My parents enjoy seeing their grandchildren, but want absolutely no responsibility for looking after them without parents there.
Their argument is simply that they want to enjoy their retirement and they have "done their time" looking after small children. Their eldest grandchild is 11 and the youngest 5 months. 9 in total, not one has ever been alone with them.
I'm not saying I agree with them fwiw. Just giving their perspective. They're not mean about it, they've just made it very clear they have no interest in care giving. They'll attend parties, birthdays, host us all, and are generous at birthday and Christmas time, but that's as far as their relationship goes.

‘But why would they not want to?’

because people want, and find happiness in, different things.

Because if you choose to have children you have to take responsibility for them

It's one of those things that varies so much from person to person. Neither my parents nor my ILs have done much beyond the occasional over night stop. My FIL has not seen our kids since June, and he only lives 80 miles away. Last time he visited us was a year ago, and before that, 5 years! We travel to them. It upsets my DH, but what can you do?!

My mum doesn't like to look after DS. Considering the amount of time I spent at my grandparents as a child I find it quite ironic. But it's her choice. She doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. Thankfully my DSis and her wife love having him so he has an amazing relationship with them and I can get some help if I need it.

It can be more difficult looking after someone else's children than your own - absence of normal routine can disrupt meals and sleeping, different rules at home might mean children act up/misbehave or try to "get away with" stuff, parents might disagree with the way the babysitter has done things so could cause arguments...

Some people just don't want to. Nothing wrong with that.

Not many people enjoy the nuts and bolts of childcare. After raising their own children, I'm not surprised most grandparents are totally done with caring responsibilities.

My MIL is absolutely knackered when she's looked after my nephew - she's in her 50s, still in full time work and when she's expected to do childcare (I say expected as the DC is just dumped on her with no notice sometimes but that's another thread!) she doesn't want to do overnights / full days looking after her grandchildren, she's raised her DC already.

Tbh I see nothing wrong with it, she's happy to do things as a family, but sole responsibility for a small child is exhausting when it's not yours too!

My DM lived ten minutes away and we could go a month without any contact when the Dc were young. Babysat, but only ever when asked - never offered, and no sleepover ever in 13 years.
She preferred cleaning, shopping and going on holiday. I know she loved them, but just didn't seem to enjoy the company and effort required with young GC.
I kind of understand. Children can be hard work, and dare I say boring. Part of me thinks in my latter years I'd rather be holidaying than doing the school run too.

I don't think my Mum even thought about it as a thing as she had no functioning grandparents around to help with us as children so I've never had a sleepover at a GP's house, for instance. And her own grandmother was very stern and straight-laced and not the playing with kids type (but she was born in Victorian era so v different mindset re children!)

We've tried to get her to help out eg keeping an eye on DD for a couple of hours so we can sort things out in our new house but it was disastrous - mum just wanted my attention and to talk to me not interact with DD so I ended up with both DD AND my mum trailing round after me!

And yep, I spent most weekends as a child with one set of grandparents or the other.

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

My parents didn't want to have anything much to do with their grandchildren. Only once ever had them to stay the night at their house (and it was a long story that led to that).

I found it sad, and I did feel that I had no family support, but they weren't going to change. My three children are in their twenties now and can't say that they ever really knew my parents. Ditto for my sister's three. All have remarked on it at one point or another.

I would add to the obvious just not wanting to that some children specifically are quite hard work, even if you do love them. My MIL is put upon to do a lot of childcare for my BILs kids and they are really hard work and badly behaved. You can tell she struggles with them and would probably be more keen if they were easier. A lot of parents are blind to that.

And we've never asked or expected help with childcare to cover work, have always paid for that. But it would have made such a difference to have an hour or two of support a couple of times a year for things like dental appointments.

I think it’s easy to judge/imagine how you think you’re going to feel, as a presumably fit and well person in their 20s/30s/40s, in the child rearing stage of life. I can see though how my parents, in their late 60s, are tired, have health issues, are increasingly set in their ways and are fairly “done” with little kids. They love my kids and enjoy them, but in small doses and without responsibility for them, which is completely fair enough. They still have a good relationship and my kids know no different.

Different people enjoy different things - some people for example adore dogs, want a dog, can’t imagine life without a dog, want it in their bed…. Personally I’d be happy if they went extinct and I can’t fathom why anyone would want one, but live and let live and all that. Some people want to be incredibly involved grandparents, some people just don’t.

DP and me were chatting about this last night. His parents have absolutely no desire or drive to see their grandchildren. DSD is early teens and they’ve probably met her about 6 times in her life, nothing since she was 5/6 years old.
Theyve only met our 2 year old maybe 3 times. They just don’t care. Never have, never will.
They will only see the children if we take them to their house, no health concerns, both still working.
I asked them once not to smoke just while newborn DD had been taken to see them and they kicked off. Like I get that it’s their house and they can do as they want, but 45 minutes without smoking 2 meters away from a newborn isn’t asking too much. DP
doesn’t push it with them, he gave up on them a long time ago.
Their loss, my family is wonderful and DP is a much better parent than his parent ever were.

I have 4 children and my mum never looks after them. Not everyone enjoys looking after children.

I spent near enough every weekend at my grandparents so does my dc the difference is its a family visit, then and now. It doesn't take using a grandparent for child care to have a good relationship. If I really needed help I could ask but thats partly because its a good all round relationship with a lot of give and take.

I loved spending time with my Grandparents. Unfortunately for DD hers have either died or been pretty indifferent. I've felt sad that she's missed out on that experience but my PIL just don't really like children very much!

I've got both types of grandparents.
They both live quite a distance from us.

DC's Nana, who is my XDH's mum ( but I like to say I got custody of her in the divorce) actively enjoys spending time with her grandchildren, takes them to stay with her every few weeks, has them half the school holidays even though she still works, took them with her when she went to Australia.
In between visits she keeps in touch by text and phonecall.
None of this is asked for/needed by the way as I work from home and don't need childcare in the holidays, She just does it out of pure love for her grandchildren.

My parents (who are both retired) are the type of grandparents who are happy with the odd video chat and bi-annual visits for an afternoon at a time.
Fair enough, That's absolutely their right to.

But then complain that they don't see the DC often enough and expect me to haul three children on a 6 hour same day round trip on public transport to sit in their living room whilst Dad watches the sport. 😆

I know which type of grandparents we'll be if we are lucky enough to live long enough to see grandchildren.

My mum wasn’t a hands on mum. We had a nanny and cleaner. She loved us and loves her grandkids but doesn’t want to do day to day care though is kind to them when she sees them. I don’t take it personally as she wasn’t that involved in my day to day childhood. My dad is dead and even if my mum did want to help more she lives 30 miles away and her and my step dad both work. MIL is not well enough to do it and FIL does not like kids. None of the grand kids expect one go near there house and they have lots of grandkids. I don’t want my kids in the house of someone who has made it clear he doesn’t like kids and who won’t let them play nor does dh.

I won’t be doing day to day care for my grandkids nor will they be coming to my house to stay every weekend so the parents can have a “break”. This seems to lead a lot to over dependency on the grandparents from the adult kids from what I have seen over the years. I will though take them 3 or 4 weekends a year ( i have had one night of in 5 years so it’s far more than dh or I have ever had) and will help if I can if the kids are sick etc. I am happy to help but will not be providing day to day care or running myself ragged in my old age to care for my grandkids as that’s up to there parents.

I totally agree with this my mum has a great relationship with her grandkids partly because she isn’t having to burn herself out caring for them a lot. The time she gets with them is fun for them all.

Surely it’s not hard to understand both me and my DH are still working full time in demanding jobs. We are looking to future proofing our home for when we retire so are in the middle of having work done. We also have responsibility for my mum in her 80’s and until recently my MIL, helping organise help for them taking them to numerous medical appointments and we recently had my MIL’s house to sell etc. My own children are now grown up but they don’t all have children, and one of them in particular still needs a lot of support. I’ve reached the age where I’ve developed a few medical conditions myself that have required surgery having previously been very fit and well.
We still try to be involved grand parents and have our grandchildren overnight sometimes at weekends but it’s a struggle at times even though they are easy and we love having them and in fact ask to have them. Going back to full time work on a Monday not having had a break at the weekend and still having to fit in our own housework shopping etc in your sixties is tough.
My parents helped us when my children were young but my mum didn’t work, one salary was enough back then, and was younger than I am now so it’s not the same at all.