To think a grandparent should want to spend time with their grandchild/grandchildren?

[Woopwoo]

I understand grandparents shouldn’t HAVE to babysit grandchildren but why would they not WANT to (if they are physically able to do so)?

There are lots of threads on here from parents who struggle to get childcare due to various reasons, one being that grandparents can’t/won’t help out.

When I was younger I used to love going to my grandparents houses for dinner/sleepovers and they were always just as excited as me!

My parents don’t bother with my children and I feel really sad for them. They never ask to have them round at their house for dinner and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times they have had a sleepover (they are primary aged children)

If my children choose to have their own children when they grow up I would love to be the grandma and do lots of activities with them and have them for sleepovers! I just don’t understand why so many don’t?

Of course grandparents don't have to want to spend time with their grandchildren, especially if they don't enjoy the noise and activity which comes with small children. It's often a question of priorities and people are entitled to decide what they want to prioritise in life.

What baffles me is those who then complain that their children/older grandchildren don't have time for them. Weird. Relationships are a two-way street. And it's much easier to build a relationship with grandchildren when they are young then when they get older and won't even acknowledge their parents without embarrassment. What interest are they going to have in grandparents who have never been around for them and who they have no memories of doing fun stuff with as children?

I think there's a big difference between gps having their gc to stay overnight, taking them to activities and days out etc and committing to childcare on a regular basis. The posts I've seen where gps "don't want to be involved" tend to be the ones where the op is asking for a day or two a week childcare.

My parents love seeing our dc, but no way would they commit to childcare on a regular basis. And I don't blame them.

@Thegreenballoon I agree with you about dogs, too.

OP my MIL constantly complains about how we don't visit her and how her friends children are so much better. My sweet little daughter phoned her yesterday to talk about crochet patterns and I got the most horrible email back saying we only contact her when we want something. She has never sent my daughter a birthday card or gift, yet my daughter has sent her get well cards and birthday cards and would happily write to her as a penpal type granddaughter/grandmother relationship but of course it isn't her terms so she isn't interested. It's horrible and I am so sad for my girl who is 7 and I don't want her to get hurt by this narcissist. I totally understand where you are coming from and it hurts

This is so true, @Goldbar. My in-laws have never made much effort to get to know our children (now teenagers) so unsurprisingly, they don’t have a close relationship now they’re older and able to have interesting conversations.
We never asked for nor expected childcare, but more interest would have been nice. My Dad and SM, otoh, who live in a different country, made so much more effort and they’re close, despite the distance and not seeing them during the pandemic. You reap what you sow. 🤷

I don’t understand it either. But then I am a retired very involved grandma with regular sleep overs. My happiest days are out with my two year old dgd and her parents are appreciative of the help and financial impact of reduced childcare costs. Nothing makes me happier and I will be a little sad when school nursery comes next year. Will still have regular care

I never knew any grandparents so never had dinner/visits/ days out/sleepovers with them.
My children had all 4 grandparents. They are all amazing in different ways but never done the days out/sleepovers etc with them. I think we had my mum babysit eldest once overnight.that was in 2008 when eldest was 2. My eldest stayed at Mother in laws 2 nights when I was having a late baby loss and stuck in hospital.
However, it is not their job to do these things.
I work full time too and struggle to find any after school child care when I have to go into the office. I recognise it’s not the grandparents job though when they struggle.
There are other grandparents at youngest’s school who do ever pick up and drop off. They seem happy enough to do it.

@Woopwoo

I really empathise with your position. DH mum has really stepped up recently as I've gone back to work. His dad is kinda just around - but doesn't push to see kids. Mostly comes from MIL. Sadly my mum died when I was 2 and I am estranged from my Dad. He has never met either of my children. It hurts to my core. Sadly I never knew my GPs growing up. I will ensure I am very present for my grandkids when the time comes.

Age is definitely a factor too. I have stepchildren and my mother in law was much younger when they were small and she did lots of sleepovers and days out with them.
We have to remember it is not easy looking after youngsters as you get older. There are 23 years between my eldest step child and my youngest child. It is no wonder they were treated differently in that respect.

Their choice but you reap what you sow.

Both my nans were different one was involved and the other barely. Doesn’t take a genius to work out which one we were all devoted too well into old age with frequent visits etc. She was surrounded by us all at her death bed, the other one wasn’t.

Our parents generation are hypocrites really. Most had significant help with the kids (us) from their parents which was the done thing back then. But now they are unwilling to do the same for their grandkids for whatever reason. Women nowadays feel like failures if they can't hold down a full time 40 hour week job, parent 2 kids and look after the home. But how is this even possible without additional family help?

Looking after children is a lot of responsibility and effort. I can see why people wouldn’t want to do it, particularly long days on a regular basis and for overnights.

Both sets of GP here have shown us how not to be when we become GPs. Disappointed in both sets to say the least.

I think you get confused about the difference between occasional visit and regular childcare. I presume any normal grandparents would be happy to see their grand children. However it's physically demanding to look after grandchildren regularly like every week.

I can too, @Odile13 bit when they never invite them over, never suggest meeting up (you always have to make suggestions to see them), etc., it’s just weird, IMHO. Especially if their own parents were interested in their gc. My DH can’t understand why his parents are so remote.

There is a big difference between spending time with a grandchild, and providing childcare for that grandchild. I became a granny for the first time earlier this year, and I love spending time with my granddaughter, though we can't see them that often, because they live a long way from us. We go down as often as we can, and spend as much time with the family as we can, whilst we are there.

But in all honesty, even if we lived close by, I don't think we would be able to offer regular childcare - dh works 3 days a week, and I have long covid and mobility issues, so I'm not sure I could safely care for a young child. We would obviously be available for one-off childcare or emergencies - and when my DIL had to go into hospital, when the baby was only a few weeks old, my dh went down there to help ds1 with looking after the baby, so he could also spend time with DIL.

I do appreciate how difficult it is for young families at the moment - the cost of living crisis, on top of the cost of childcare must be absolutely horrifying, especially if you are only just keeping your heads above water. But it is also hard for grandparents who have raised their own children, and who may not be in particularly great health - and who may be knackered and looking forward to a gentler pace of life as they head towards retirement and beyond.

I don't think it is reasonable to expect/demand that your parents provide childcare for your children - you can ask, and I am sure many grandparents would be happy to help out - but if they can't do it, they have the right to say no.

As regards spending time with your grandchildren - I do agree that it seems sad if grandparents don't want to spend time with their grandchildren - I think they are missing out, and so are their grandchildren.

My parents didn't spend much time with my dses - they lived a long drive away, and had interests that made them want to spend most of their time at home - but I did feel that we were right at the bottom of their list of priorities, and that did hurt. My ILs lived close to us, when we had ds1, and couldn't wait to come and see him when he was born - I think he was only about 4 hours old when they first met him. Obviously I didn't expect my parents to get into the car and drive 5+ hours to meet their new born first grandchild, but I got the definite impression that they weren't bothered about seeing him. I don't think they met any of them when they were babies, and even when they were a bit older, they only saw my parents if we packed up the whole kit and caboodle and went to visit them. It didn't seem to occur to them that, with dh working full time, and the boys in school, it was harder for us to visit them than for them to come to us - dad had taken early retirement before ds1 was born.

I guess people want what they want and you can’t change them.

However

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

This is probably true!

It does seem a bit rough when those who benefitted from their own parents being hands on don’t pass down the favour though.

That said, having worked full time through out raising my kids, as a single mum, in a high stress job, with the added hell on Earth of lockdowns having happened, I feel I’m unlikely to be in as good health as my mother has been throughout my kids’ childhood when I am a grandparent!

I watched my dear friend work so hard and raised her children. Then took early retirement to become childcare for her dd. She found it exhausting. But was pressured to keep doing it as her dd "needed" the break/quality of life her wages gave her. Just as her gc went up to secondary and didn't need her anymore her lovely dh was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Now she's caring for him too. She always wanted to travel, study, ah just bloody enjoy life. But all she's done is care for other people who now that she needs some support, haven't returned the favour.

I'm there for my dc/gc if they need me but I'm not ever going to provide regular childcare, I do take my gc for days out etc. I adore them but I've done my time bringing kids up.

As people have children later and later, grandparents get older and older. When I was little we went to stay with my mother’s parents for a week in the holidays, and they seemed to enjoy it…. But, my parents had us in their mid 20s and so my grandparents were mid to late 59s when we first went to stay. Whereas now, with parents having children in their mid or even late 30s grandparents can be mid 70s before the grandchildren are old enough to stay over - it’s no wonder they’re not so keen in all cases!

I could cry reading this @gobblefiend On top of all that I have my MIL emailing to tell me how awful we are for not visiting her (4hrs) away. Her emails are full of If you had done this or someone else did this - feels like an attack all the time and then she wonders why I don't feel enthusiastic about calling her.

An afternoon once a week or so is hardly doing the grunt work of childcare!

I do flexible working, bit the bullet and got a cleaner once a fortnight which although added costs means that my husband does more tidying and we use private nursery, financially it doesn't make sense for both of us to work but it's better for everyone's sanity that we do!

We don't have family support nearby so it's not really a choice anyway. But I wouldn't put my DCs to my MIL regardless she refuses to follow instructions, gives our toddler sweets which we then have to deal with the sugar craze and refuses to do naps. Not a chance I would want to rely on her!

I provided childcare three full days plus a half day a week plus extras so a lot more than half a day so yes I would say I did a lot of the grunt work for dgs and will continue no doubt during holidays and illness.

I loved being a mum, but now I am of grandma age with no grandchildren and none likely. I am delighted to have my time to myself again and get on with some interesting projects. I really feel for some of the elderly women I see wrangling toddlers, it is hardly ever elderly men. I understand childcare costs are a nightmare for this generation of parents and consider myself fortunate that I am not needed for such a role.

No one is under obligation to I guess. My parents LOVE their grandkids to bits, can't get enough of my two. But I know I'm lucky.