To think a grandparent should want to spend time with their grandchild/grandchildren?

[Woopwoo]

I understand grandparents shouldn’t HAVE to babysit grandchildren but why would they not WANT to (if they are physically able to do so)?

There are lots of threads on here from parents who struggle to get childcare due to various reasons, one being that grandparents can’t/won’t help out.

When I was younger I used to love going to my grandparents houses for dinner/sleepovers and they were always just as excited as me!

My parents don’t bother with my children and I feel really sad for them. They never ask to have them round at their house for dinner and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times they have had a sleepover (they are primary aged children)

If my children choose to have their own children when they grow up I would love to be the grandma and do lots of activities with them and have them for sleepovers! I just don’t understand why so many don’t?

Lots of things are different now
Many women probably work longer hours in more demanding jobs than their mothers did (ie current grandparents are still working in demanding jobs). Weekends are probably precious downtime.
Lots of people have caring responsibilities that previous generations didn't neccessarily have (in the past- larger families to share the load, more state care, lived shorter and so no old age cognition loss)

🤣🤣 I was just thinking the same 🤣🤣

I probably split the week 50/50 between home and my GPs house from birth right through my teens 🙈 Mum was a SAHM until the youngest of us when high school (I was 17 at that point!) but she always needed “her time” so we got sent to GPs. Dad was self employed and worked every hour under the sun.
DH spent every weekend and multiple days after school at his GPs so that his mum and dad could have weekends alone together 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mum wouldn’t even think to contact us if we didn’t reach out to her 🤣🤣 sometimes I think she forgets we’re here until my name pops up on her phone lol. She maybe sees us once a month for an hour or so.
MIL works PT and watches me struggle juggling work/childcare etc with DH working offshore for long periods of time. She only appears if she needs something and isn’t really interested in spending time with GC 🤷🏻‍♀️

At the end of the day - they don’t owe me anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ I had the most amazing relationship with the GPs growing up and it’s up to them if they want the same with GC or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

We look after one of dh's gc for a day in the holidays. Not the youngest one.
Never had them for sleepovers
They are an incredibly busy family, as are we. We see the 4 of them for lunch about once everh 3 months.
I'm sure we are moaned about but looking after small children is not what we want to do.

This is a very good point!

So many things have changed now that the majority of women work ft. And many work in to their seventies. Families live more distantly from one another too.

Some people just don’t really like children, and some of those people do have children of their own but once they’re done, they’re done. I suspect I might be a bit like that if I’m honest. I like my own children but generally much prefer adult company/ spaces. Unclear how if feel about grandchildren but I think my dc can probably assume that regular childcare is not going to happen.

My mil is fantastic to the kids. A real magic grandma, all stories and cute home made toys and colouring with them. Health wise she’s pretty fucked so it’s not about stamina. She actually likes then.

My mum was 50 when my oldest was born and she never spends anytime with them or does anything with them except get stressed they are talking/playing/making a mess when she does see then. It’s been a source of great conflict between us as I practically lived at my grandmas - we are still so close now. My mum then gets jealous that my kids have a favourite grandma. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We saw lots of my GPs growing up, but as a family not on our own. They would have us overnight or come to ours if needed but not regular childcare for work.
They also never had a long list of instructions to follow. There was none of this do you want a relationship with your GC then do what you are told rubbish. It was assumed that as they had successfully raised their own children they were competent enough to keep their GC safe for a few hours even if it wasn't how the parents did things.

Mine only wanted to when they were little and biddable it stopped around the age of 8 mins you they don’t want to spend time with me either

My mum never did look after dc because she lived too far away. I phone her all the time, tell her everything, visit as often as I can, since ds's were in primary (a long time ago) I went then, just so I could spend time with my mum, on our own. Occasionally we all go to hers, all 4 of us, or she comes to us, but only rarely. My boys adore her. Ds1 went to stay with her last month prior to going to uni. Which made my heart melt. But it has always been very clear to me, that it is me, who is her number one priority. (She is the same with my 2 brothers, all grandchildren adore her but her priorities are clear). I don't have a problem with this.

And mothers have babies later, which means the GPS are older.

Surely there is a middle ground?

My DC spend loads of time with their grandparents with DH and I present usually as well. My parents want the fun stuff but not the drudgery. I don't blame them. They raised 4 kids of their own.

I don't understand the whole grandparents wanting the kids without the parents thing. Never experienced than in my life. The whole family visit the grandparents.

@illiterato I agree with your post. A few of the posters on here sad that their own parents do not want to spend time with their grandchildren also mention that they spent a lot of time with their respective grandparents....so I would say that the reluctant grandparents also didn't really enjoy being parents much, either. It would explain why they have no desire to be spending much time with young children again.

YABVVU
Not everyone likes children or enjoys their company. Some people want to get on with their own stuff and while they might enjoy seeing their grand children as part of a family visit, they really don’t want to look after them.

One of my grandmothers (grandfathers both dead) was like this and my PIL just couldn’t cope with looking after their own grandchildren. It doesn’t mean they are abnormal or bad people.

My FIL has no relationship whatsoever with his grandkids. He just doesn't seem to live them tbh. Mil has her favourite child and therefore grandchildren. My mum is also useless. In fact my kids have no invested extended family. Even going for tea at a relatives house doesn't happen. That's their choice but I hope they understand that kindness might be repaid one day when they are young adults and grandparents are at EOL.

Yabu. My dm raised five dcs of her own while working. She was very clear when she retired that she wanted to travel, care for her garden and go out with her friends. Her involvement with her dgcs is limited to photos on the sideboard. She has other interests.

And she had 9 dgcs and 4 dggcs. Too much noise and mess for anyone.

I don’t think any grandparent should do childcare just because they have the time to do it but I agree OP. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to spend as much as you can with your grandchildren if you were able too.

My mum’s mid 40s and currently isn’t working. She may see my DC once every two weeks even though her days are filled with absolutely nothing. She spends all day in bed (she does have extreme mental health issues so that’s understandable) and she only lives 20mins away. The issue with my mum is she always says, ‘I’ll come round to see the kids soon,’ ‘I want to take the kids out’ and just never does it. I preferred she said nothing so I didn’t have any expectations.

It’s also funny how much of us spent so much time with our grandparents when we were young but our parents don’t want to spend a similar amount of time with our kids😂 what can you do ey

I find it weird too. Not so much in a childcare way but those who just don’t seem to care and don’t make an effort with the grandchildren. One set of my grandparents lived in another country when I was growing up and even though we only saw them a few times a year we had such a great relationship with them and so much fun with them. Yet the one who lived round the corner didn’t bother with us really.

My grandparents looked after me everyday until I went to school. I think my parents thought they were going to do the same for my brother but they refused saying that hey had done their bit . They were pushing 70 by then and were in fading health . My DM took this as a rejection of my brother and took it out on me as the favoured one.

Trouble is when the Grandparents don't bother when the GC are small they then wonder why no one bothers as they descend into the last years of their lives .

Different people enjoy different things - some people for example adore dogs, want a dog, can’t imagine life without a dog, want it in their bed…. Personally I’d be happy if they went extinct and I can’t fathom why anyone would want one, but live and let live and all that. Some people want to be incredibly involved grandparents, some people just don’t

exactly this. I had one child and stopped. If ds decides to have kids, that's his choice, but it's not mine. I have no intention of being an involved grandparent. Maybe that will change as he's only 20 so could be 40 before he has kids. But I doubt it.

It's a bit of an assumption that grandchildren will be around when you are elderly just because you helped with childcare. They could easily have moved away or just have their own lives and demands.

They don't want the responsibility after years of bringing up their own children. They want to enjot their freedom and spend their time on their own interests.

Grandparents are often older now, as having children over the age of thirty becomes common.
Women work more hours, and until 66 years old, soon to increase to 67. It used to be 60.
Parenting styles have changed a lot, much more intense and interactive now.

It also requires a huge amount of compromise, I got a lot of support from my parents, but I didn’t flap around fussing about how they cared for mine. We agreed on basic rules and parameters, but I didn’t give a fuck as to whether their sandwiches were cut into triangles or squares or whether their wellies matched their coat or that they had a packet of crisps as a treat instead of an organic free- range apricot.

Our family is very much family visits, we all stay over. I am my mother's daughter so I'm the primary relationship the rest flows from that. Those who say the grandparents have no relationship with the dgc at all do you not spend time with your parents as a family, do you not invite them round? It does come across that it is just about being after childcare and I'm not sure how I'd feel in that situation.

I am a very involved grandparent ( a young one ) as are my parents and my fil but we do all live very close to each other so dont know if that makes a difference .