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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent should want to spend time with their grandchild/grandchildren?

183 replies

Woopwoo · 08/11/2022 11:18

I understand grandparents shouldn’t HAVE to babysit grandchildren but why would they not WANT to (if they are physically able to do so)?

There are lots of threads on here from parents who struggle to get childcare due to various reasons, one being that grandparents can’t/won’t help out.

When I was younger I used to love going to my grandparents houses for dinner/sleepovers and they were always just as excited as me!

My parents don’t bother with my children and I feel really sad for them. They never ask to have them round at their house for dinner and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times they have had a sleepover (they are primary aged children)

If my children choose to have their own children when they grow up I would love to be the grandma and do lots of activities with them and have them for sleepovers! I just don’t understand why so many don’t?

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 08/11/2022 11:47

It's really sad that some grandparents don't seem to want a relationship with their grandchildren. My daughter is an only child, and I view my grandchild as an absolute joy and a gift. We moved to be nearer, at our daughter's request - it suited us too, as we needed a house with a smaller garden and nearer amenities.

It meant that I went from not seeing her that often, to spending loads of time with her when she was on maternity leave. We look after our grandson twice a week and love taking him to various activities. He has his own bedroom at our house for sleepovers. My son-in-law's parents are also very fond of him, do the odd overnight sleepover and have a good relationship with him too. You get out what you put in, in my opinion. Obviously things will change again once he goes to school, but they'll still be school holidays for us all to spend time with him. My grandson views me as his (elderly) playmate and I love it!!!!!

PetitP · 08/11/2022 11:50

I guess it depends on the grandparent. There are plenty who do want to spend time with their grandkids. I'm a lone parent. My mum has my son once a week for a sleepover. They watch movies in bed and he has his own room at her house. My dad took him for a week when I had to go away for work, and has him overnight occasionally. He takes him out cycling and picks him up from nursery once a week. Not because I asked him but because he has the day off and wants to. My brother has him overnight sometimes as they adore each other and my son is constantly asking when he can sleep at uncles house. I know a lot of people who have help from grandparents, but it's usually because they're a close knit family, and their personalities make them more inclined to help. Sadly some people just aren't that way inclined.

OrigamiOwls · 08/11/2022 11:53

MolliciousIntent · 08/11/2022 11:31

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

100% this!

hiredandsqueak · 08/11/2022 11:54

Well I have provided childcare for my dgs although he is now in pre school full time. But I can say I much prefer spending a couple of hours on a Saturday morning with him when his mum (my dd) is here to any of the days I spent taking care of him whilst dd worked.
Caring for little ones is hard work and largely tedious which is probably the reason that parents bemoan the lack of grandparents' input as they want to offload some of it elsewhere.
I feel I did my turn when my children were little and I have no desire to do it again to be frank. My parents or in laws didn't provide childcare, I never asked because it was pretty much expected that if you had children you cared for them or paid for childcare.
No idea why there is now an expectation, even from my own daughter, that grandparents should want to spend hours each week doing the grunt work of raising their children's children for them.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/11/2022 11:57

Why would you 'feel sad' that someone else makes different choices to you? That's really strange. They do what makes them happy. You do what makes you happy. It might even be different things.

whumpthereitis · 08/11/2022 12:00

arethereanyleftatall · 08/11/2022 11:57

Why would you 'feel sad' that someone else makes different choices to you? That's really strange. They do what makes them happy. You do what makes you happy. It might even be different things.

This. One person’s loss is a bullet dodged to another. There’s no point feeling sad for them when they’re perfectly capable of doing things differently if they want to. They don’t, and presumably they’re quite happy with how things are.

ArcticSkewer · 08/11/2022 12:01

MolliciousIntent · 08/11/2022 11:31

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

So true!

CloudPop · 08/11/2022 12:07

MolliciousIntent · 08/11/2022 11:31

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

Exactly

Alexandernevermind · 08/11/2022 12:07

Same here, but I don't begrudge anything anymore. My dgm was mid 40s when she had me overnight. My dm would have been mid 60s when mine were little. This is the difference.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/11/2022 12:08

They never ask to have them round at their house for dinner

How often do you invite them round to your house for dinner?

NKFell · 08/11/2022 12:08

MolliciousIntent · 08/11/2022 11:31

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

I was just thinking this too 😂

Hmuu · 08/11/2022 12:09

YABU. People are individuals with different interests. Some are more family oriented, some aren't. Plenty of grandparents are happy to be done with childraising or don't even like kids that much and happy with a more distant relationship. There's no 'should' about it, if they want to be closely involved and you're happy with that then that's fine but they're certainly under no obligation to.

Newcatbrowntail · 08/11/2022 12:11

I think any parent who sent their child to the grandparents all the time to get child free time is unlikely to want to have childcare later on in life

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/11/2022 12:11

I enjoy spending time with my grandchildren but other people feel differently and that's OK. I hardly knew my own grandparents because they lived a long way away.

GeorgeorRuth · 08/11/2022 12:12

I would love to see more of the DGC, but their mother doesn't view their fathers family as family. I'm not begging or getting drawn into drama. If they ask as they get older, they will be told I would have loved for them to stay and to ask their mother why she stopped them. 🤷‍♀️

ClocksGoingBackwards · 08/11/2022 12:12

There are lots of threads on here from parents who struggle to get childcare due to various reasons, one being that grandparents can’t/won’t help out.

Grandparents that won’t do childcare is never a reason why parents struggle for childcare. It’s like saying parents struggle for childcare because the woman from the local shop won’t babysit. Neither should have any obligation or expectation put on them.

cushioncovers · 08/11/2022 12:16

MolliciousIntent · 08/11/2022 11:31

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

This.

YellowTreeHouse · 08/11/2022 12:17

Why should they?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/11/2022 12:18

Because it’s too much work.

sunshinesupermum · 08/11/2022 12:19

As a grandmother now in her 70s I don't have the energy to look after my 7 and 10 year old grandsons. It really is as simple as that. DD1 and her family live an hour's drive from me and she doesn't drive, her DH is allergic to my cat so usually it's me who drives down to spend time with them at the weekend every few weeks. I haven't baby sat since the boys were toddlers although I would be happy to but DD and DSiL don't have a social life. DD has no expectations from me but she has childcare support in the school holidays from her in-laws who are younger than me. Although I don't see them often my relationship with my grandsons is still a close one.

wibblewobbleboard · 08/11/2022 12:19

MolliciousIntent · 08/11/2022 11:31

It always tickles me when people say "it's so weird that my mum doesn't want to spend time with her grandkids, we spent loads of time with our grandparents growing up!"

Yeah, in all likelihood, you spent lots of time with your grandparents because your mum doesn't enjoy looking after small children.

This! Nail. On. Head.

Ellie1015 · 08/11/2022 12:20

Do the grandparents see you as a family?

I love seeing my neices and nephews, and see them often, their are there too and the adults chat and the children come and go joining in here and there. I love them, I am interested in their lives and want the best for them, I miss them when I don't see them for a few days but I am not fussed on babysitting. Will absolutely do it to help out but not something i volunteer for.

I dont think not babysitting means they arent bothered or close. However if they dont see them/ask about them at all then that is a unusual and i understand why you're sad about that.

Newuser82 · 08/11/2022 12:27

My mum never looks after my kids, she and my step dad never ask to take them anywhere or do anything with them
. They see them maybe every month or so despite living about 30 minutes away. In contrast they have had my step sisters kids from school regularly since a very young age. It's very upsetting.

NumberTheory · 08/11/2022 12:30

My MiL loves her DGC and does a fair amount of babysitting, but she does that babysitting for me, her DS, and the DGC not for herself.

We indulge her love of her DGC by spending plenty of (well planned) time with them when we’re there to do the less lovely bits of parenting - like saying “No”, entertaining them when everyone is worn out, stopping them being rude and obnoxious when they’re over excited, being responsible when they’re near the sea, etc.

Looking after young children doesn’t loose its stress and tediousness because you happen to be a grandparent.

neonpurple · 08/11/2022 12:30

My MIL likes to explain with a martyrdom style voice that she raised her 3 dc all by herself (whilst married) and never had any help. As if I must never expect any help, which I don't anyway.

Except, dh often remembers his grandparents on both sides babysitting him and his siblings so clearly not true. I've decided dh and his siblings must have just been a rotten dc because MIL acts like she hates them.