to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

It does rather drastic OP. Your family need you and you will all be awfully miserable if you do something like this. Wouldn't it be better for your mum to move into sheltered accommodation where she has her own place her independence but help at hand and a social life if she wants one?

Why can't your Mum move to your area?

Why can't your mum move closer to you?

Are you bonkers? Of course you can't move. If you wish to support your mum more then she can move closer to you. But be very clear with what you can and cant offer before she takes such a major step. But fgs don't be pressured into anything by your wider family.

Who is pressuring you? Are they also requesting your sister do the same?

You have perfectly valid reasons for not moving and I think the suggestion of assisted living for your mum is a good one.

No you can't. It's not fair on your DH.

You can’t move, end of discussion

Your mum needs to move nearer to you if she wants to, no way would I uproot my family, thats massively unfair especially for your dc.if mum wants to stay where she is then help can be arranged in her own home.

Can you move into your Mums a couple of days a week?

So you want to ruin your marriage, and move your children at a crucial stage of education ?
No way would I do this. Can't you Mum move in to sheltered accommodation?

Are you bonkers? Of course you can't move. If you wish to support your mum more then she can move closer to you. But be very clear with what you can and cant offer before she takes such a major step. But fgs don't be pressured into anything by your wider family.

This with knobs on. I can't believe you'd even consider this, especially moving your kids from school.

Don't be ridiculous, the obvious solution if you want to care for your mother is to have her move closer to/in with you

Of course you can’t move - utterly crazy to even consider it. How can you uproot your family when they are obviously happy where you are?
Mum can surely choose to either move nearer to you or if she wants to stay where she is to arrange help there.
Don’t let your siblings guilt trip you into moving yourself.

Of course you should uproot your entire family.. change your entire life... disrupt your childrens education.. make your husband unhappy.....
OR
you could leave your family behind....
OR
you could have a conversation with your siblings and decide together WITH your mother..what SHE wants....

Of course they all want you to make the sacrifices they wont...
Your mum might live for another 10 years....
Your life is just as important as hers and theirs...

Do NOT be their martyr...

My Mum lives in a 1 bedroom flat. She wouldn't be able to afford anything near us, and has many friends and more distant family around her. If she moved close to me I would be the only person she knows.

I agree that sheltered accommodation would be the ideal. But she has completely dismissed this.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.
It's not the only option.
And why would you rent - when you can stay in your mum's home with her?
Completely do-able for short periods - IF your brother & sister do the same, & you all take turns, while also investigating more sustainable care options for mum eg carer coming in daily.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.
So did your sister. Is she getting similar pressure?
And where is this concept of "fault" coming from?

Any unfair pressure - just do Broken Record techique "DH cannot move due to job pressures, I will not uproot the kids from school." Don't offer any JADE beyond that - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
... but instead, arrange to meet or vidcall with DS & DB about what care plans you can get put in place for mum as her needs increase, & how you could rota staying with her in turn for a couple of days each. This doesn't need to be full time.

I have parents a distance away that while less than two hours does mean I can’t do day to day “popping in” - I’ve already told them I’m happy to do what I can (important hospital appointments for example) but if they want me five minutes round the corner so I can run trivial errands etc they’re going to need to move to where I am. Not negotiable. I wouldn’t dream of uprooting my kids from school and making my husband quit his job, and living apart is a complete non starter. Your family is being completely and utterly ridiculous.

You have very good reasons not to move four people. Your mother should look into sheltered accommodation either closer to you or closer to your sister.

I agree that sheltered accommodation would be the ideal. But she has completely dismissed this.

Well then it's for her to come up with an option that she likes. But that shouldn't include you ripping up your life for her.

I agree that sheltered accommodation would be the ideal. But she has completely dismissed this.
I can sympathise with her feelings about that.
But not with her feelings that because SHE doesn't want to make necessary changes to her living arrangements, that YOU should have to make unnecessary ones to oblige her.

She may not have the luxury of dismissing the idea one day.
It's not something I'll be happily jumping at either, but given the choice of fucking up my daughter's life, or taking responsibility for my own - I'd move into Old LadyVille like a shot.

Don't let your mum & brother guilt trip you into short-changing your family - OR yourself - OP.

What help does she need, you could help with things like online shopping, banking, but what does she expect you to be doing.

Well if your mum has rejected assisted ĺiving then the onus is on her to make sensible alternative arrangements. Asking you to abandon your dh and children is not a reasonable request, whoever is making it.

Why do your mothers needs trump your own? She may not want to move into sheltered accommodation but it’s probably the best option if she needs more support. You have to put your own family and their needs first. It’s crazy to suggest you moving 4 people to accommodate one who isn’t doing any compromising!

Ok so she has her opinion and her choice is not to move. She's the one who needs the help! It's also your choice not to move. Can't you see that making your husband leave his job, children change schools and lose friends is absolute madness ???

Do not for a moment consider uprooting yourself or your family. That's madness.
If your Mum doesn't want to move that's fair enough too, so why should you?
You're one of 3 siblings therefore it doesn't fall to you to do it all.
Your Mum is deeply unreasonable not to meet you in the middle in terms of compromise.
Could perhaps you find somewhere to work and stay for a couple of days every other week maybe? Outsource as much of the 'work' as you can, such as cleaning, food orders. I'm afraid I have little truck with older people expecting their busy adult children to run themselves ragged in helping and refusing to accept outside help.
Don't turn yours and your families life inside out, think what support you can realistically offer alongside your other commitments and work out with your siblings how you help each other to do that.
If she has so many friends etc nearby she doesn't need you there every day.