to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

These are her choices though, she does have some, her expecting you to uproot yours and your whole families lives is not reasonable

Good lord OP! No you don't uproot your life. It's completely unreasonable for anyone to expect your family to leave everything they know in order to support your mum. It's equally ridiculous for you to even consider leaving your family unit and set up a second home as some sort of 'compromise'. Just no! Your kids are your primary responsibility and you and your husband are a partnership. No one gets to pressure you or guilt you into not treating your husband and kids (and yourself!) as your priorities.

If your mum is struggling but doesn't need actual carer support then she can move closer to you. Or your brother steps up. Just don't fall for this guilty daughter bs!

I'm sure she has dismissed it, elderly people often do, but at her age it's realistic. It would be completely ridiculous for you to turn your family upside down for her. Let your siblings be the martyrs themselves if they feel so strongly.

Please don't move. Your life is worth something too. Your first duty is to your kids and husband. Your mum needs to move to you or all siblings need to get together and how you can ALL support her better.

The help she needs is things like attending appointments with her, ensuring her medication is correct, shopping, cleaning. She doesn't need actual care as yet.

I agree that sheltered accommodation would be the ideal. But she has completely dismissed this.

Then she's a fool. This is the perfect solution and, having seen a few relatives in sheltered acoomodation, it really is the ideal halfway house. Support on hand but still with your own independence.

My Gran, especially, had a little 1 bedroom ground floor house/flat with it's own little garden. It was perfect for her.

Then I think you need to be very clear that in not entering sheltered accommodation she's choosing to continue with things as they are, no need for further discussion and searching for solutions on your part. I don't want to sound awful OP as obviously she is your mum, but you need to be really strong on your boundaries here and clear that this is not a you problem!

Well if she has completely dismissed sheltered housing
you can completely dismiss moving

your mum is the one who need help not you
although even just for considering such a bat shit crazy idea I reckon you might also need some help😂

Moving 4 people plus schools jobs and everything else that goes with a big move

versus One person moving but refusing to because they want you to take the hit of moving

as I said bat shit crazy

Thank you all.

I was being made to feel like not wanting to move was out of order. That it's the sort of thing children do for their aging parents.

The brother has done the bulk over recent years. But she has some medical issues she isn't comfortable with him being part of, which is kind of started pushing this subject. He also reminds us, constantly, that he does all of this! The other sister, for a variety of reasons, isn't an option.

Well she needs to undismiss it. When you have kids, they come first. Not your parents. And your family can stop putting pressure on you as well - why should your DH give up his job, it's not his mother. And why should your kids damage their education? Covid has damaged it enough already.

That said, if she's in a one bed flat does she actually need that much looking after, anyway? It's not like there's a house or garden to maintain. I'd arrange a cleaner and Wiltshire farm foods and one of those alarm things if she falls. And then you can visit once a fortnight or once a month or something. Does she have hospital appointments to attend - is there a taxi service or hospital lift volunteer service nearby? Can friends help?

Kids in school, DH job, of course you can't move. Your life is elsewhere.

What you're suggesting is crazy! You're going to ruin your marriage and relationship with your children. Just because your kids are teenagers, doesnt mean they no longer need you! Your mum may live another 20 years! Your mum needs to go into a home, or pay for care at home. You can take her to visit some places, see which ones she likes. Offer her a week at her favourite one, to test the waters.

It's sounds like time to have the "you are totally within your rights to make choices but these are the consequences" chat. From experience you will probably need to have it a few times before reality sinks in.

The idea of doing online shopping for her is a very good one - thank you! Will get that set up now. Her local M&S has closed, and so on her list of requirements is being taken to M&S! I can sort that issue out at least!

I think I'm also going to call her local pharmacist to start process of them sorting her tablets into boxes for her.

I think I needed reminding that there are ways to help remotely, and that no, it's not my job to uproot my entire family. Thanks again

Shopping can be done online
Medication can be put into blister packs by the pharmacy and delivered
Hospital appointments if you ca, if not volunteers might help
Cleaner, she can get someone in once a week

Ha. In her late eighties MOST chats happen any number of times ;)

I was being made to feel like not wanting to move was out of order. That it's the sort of thing children do for their aging parents

I don't think they do. All the people I know, their parents have moved to be closer to them. And sadly, often died within a few months - it doesn't really help to uproot them. My aunt died within six months of moving to live near my cousin, and my aunt by marriage died within about six WEEKS of moving to live near her offspring.

Much better that she stays where she is and buys in help. Shopping can be done online. About the only thing that can't be done is the medication checking - not sure what you mean by that though - making sure she takes the right dose or checking that the pharmacy has given her the right stuff? Or both?

Don't move. Organise home help and share the cost with your siblings. To be fair, your mum and your siblings can't have everything their own way. You have a life to live too.

Seems like it's a very poor idea for you to move.

It's your duty to arrange care along with your siblings for her, but you've said she doesn't need care as yet.

You could liaise with your siblings to make a phone rota so she gets lots of calls and perhaps take on one task EACH if she is struggling?

If no one has POA for her it would be good to sort it out.

This may be reassuring for her.

Get joint and several power, meaning one of you or all of you can do things on her behalf.

Ocado do m&s delivery and will take it into the kitchen
Her council can arrange assisted refuse bin collection

Well that’s her own choice then isn’t it? She has options, she won’t take them. It would be very selfish of her to expect you to uproot your entire life for her, particularly those of your kids. I would just be clear - she has 2 options, sheltered accommodation or a move closer to you, but you will not be moving for her.

Don't be herded into this OP. It's ridiculous. Of course you can't uproot everyone because DM wants you to.

I get she doesn't want sheltered accom but tbh she needs something. And if DB won't help to the extent she needs (and he's perfectly in the right to say no if it's not what he wants to do) and you and DS are too far away to help daily then she needs to look at who is available. It's going to mean paying someone. A cleaner / supermarket delivery / my DGM had someone who popped over and did her laundry while DGM had a bath on her own, just in case she needed help getting out or slipped. She never needed them, but it gave her peace of mind to know she wasn't going to be stuck in the bath. She can tailor the support to what she needs.

What help does she actually need? If you work FT then realistically you aren't going to be available to do stuff like routine medical appointments and lifts hither and thither during the day. So being closer isn't going to magically make you available at the drop of a hat.

Who is pressuring you? And why you?

All you need to say to people who aren't your DM or siblings is 'we're not able to relocate. It's not possible' and that's it. No more justification needed. If they push it I'd tell them that if they think 'someone' should help - they're welcome to do it.

Could you go and stay once a fortnight and work from there? If she doesn't have space, you could stay with your brother maybe?

But definitely don't relocate, that's madness

Don't move. Absolutely not. Can you pay for the cleaning. organise food shop etc?

Nope you need to shut this down ASAP. Completely unreasonable of your siblings to even suggest it.

DHs job and teens at a crucial stage of school, it’s just not possible.

Without bring unkind … late 80s, she hasn’t got time on her side so you could go through all that upheaval for nithing.