to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

That's a form of caring. Not on the same scale as feeding or washing or general health but it is a form of caring nonetheless.
She needs to go into sheltered accommodation. She might dismiss it but it works for you and your siblings. The only person it doesn't appear to work for is the person who needs it the most.

Antipyretic?? Any

These are all services that can be bought in. Contact adult social care in her area and tell them she needs an assessment.
If she has her own funds, most care companies will offer these services or there are self employed carers who can help out when needed.

Hi Op
We uprooted our lives to support my elderly FIL when he was in his late eighties.
His health was poor and he wasn't managing and also drinking heavily.
Ten years on we are still here and my FIL is thriving thanks to our care .
We never expected to be still caring for him and it is having a huge toll on our marriage.
Our adult DD s have also struggled with the fact that we moved away
My DH is an only child so the pressures on him where huge , however he said just last week that it was the biggest mistake of his life to move .
Look at ways of supporting remotely as it can be done .
Good luck

It doesn't sound like you're in a position to move and you need to make peace with that. It's very hard to watch elderly parents deteriorate from afar and many people's instincts is to want to help, and make everything OK, quite naturally. It's quite hard accepting that everything is probably not going to be OK all the time for your mum. Things may get a bit messy at times. But, external help can be put in place and with conversations and agreements with siblings a kind of 'system' that works can evolve. Doesn't mean it will be easy though.

We actually did this move for MIL, but had younger children transitioning to secondary and jobs that wouldn't be affected so felt it was right for us. But, we lived 4+ hours away and couldn't face doing that journey on a regular basis in response to crisis calls. I also know what's it's like to be the one who lives far away as my parents are 3 hours away. They did actually make the move to be closer to my sister which was positive and negative. They had a few crises and this prompted them to move and we all encouraged it. They have her support and that gives them peace of mind, but they left behind a huge network of friends. I think they are quite lonely and this puts a lot of pressure on my sister. Just something to think about if you go down this route.

My conclusion is that there isn't always a right or wrong/ good or bad solution to caring for elderly parents. It's actually all a bit shit. I think everyone in this situation can only ignore any judgements, do their best and hope to come out the other side of it... Things have got a lot worse for both sets of parents on the health front and I've had to move on from thinking in terms of 'what will make them happy' to 'what is the safest decision' and 'what has the least damaging impact on everyone else'. Sorry, possibly not very encouraging....

Could the siblings club together to pay for a carer to come in and provide the sort of assistance she might need?

I do sympathise, it's very difficult.

I don't think you should move but you could go there on a regular basis, a week at a time, which will give your mother good support and take some of the strain from your brother. Think about it and good luck.

Definitely don't move, your poor husband and children let alone you if you did. It is really your mother's responsibility to move closer to you, and sheltered accommodation, especially an extra-care scheme so needs could be met in the future, is a very good idea indeed. Otherwise, you just offer the help you can afford to give and try and put some support in place.

My FIL hated the idea of moving too but had no choice because he could not go home after a bad fall (coming to us wasn't an option). He absolutely loved his (extra-care) sheltered flat once he had settled in and had a new lease of life.

You can't move for all the reasons you outline. Can you talk to your brother and explain that moving isn't an option - and ask him what a compromise might look like? What does he need more support with that could be achieved with visits from you, outside help etc? He / your mum can't seriously expect you to disrupt the kids schooling and your husband to change his job....

What pressure is being put on your brother and other sister?
Absolutely no way, you have a whole family that would be impacted - your Mum needs to reconsider her lifestyle unfortunately and/or your brother needs to step up.

I would say no, you can’t move. My DH goes to stay with his parents for a couple of days every fortnight-ish to help out. Is there not a compromise that could work?

I think it's so unfair when parents become this selfish they think nothing of asking their child who has their own life, a marriage, and children to upend their whole lives just because they refuse to enter assisted accommodation. Most parents would not want to be a burden. It's so wrong when parents become this selfish they put this pressure on a child when they already have an option.

OP, don't cave. If your mum dismisses assisted accommodation, then that's not your fault. She is being very selfish. I would tell her next time that you really want her to move into assisted accommodation because you cannot be there to help her nor can your sister. Make it clear to her that you won't be moving closer. End of story.

I think it would be unfair to you, your husband and your children for you to move.

If your mum cannot move to you, and won't consider sheltered accommodation, might it be possible for her to have home visits from carers? Ideally, the local authority would provide this; if not, you might have to look into agencies that might provide help- two that I know of are Helping Hands, and Home Instead; but you would need to find out what's available in her area. If you can't get the help from the local authority, it would cost money, but less than you'd lose from your husband giving up his job.

Would she qualify for Attendance Allowance? It is not means tested, Google it.

So you’re thinking about sacrificing your family’s happiness and future, just to keep your mother happy for potentially 10 years or so. Madness. Your mother has 2 options:

a) Your mother moves into a home/sheltered housing etc near you.
b) She moves into the same where she currently is

if she chooses to do neither, then that’s down to her. Are you she wants you uprooting your family, or leaving your family, to look after her? That’s incredibly selfish and not what a loving mother would do. Having children is a choice; we shouldn’t have children just so they can provide elder care for us.

The brother HAS stepped up- he's doing all the care!

I don't know what antipyretic staff are @InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream but I am also in the south east and it hasn't been a problem finding a carer to do basic stuff. I'm sure specialist care is more difficult.

Anyway this could all be irrelevant to the OP's mum who could live somewhere completely different. It is very area dependant I agree

Having seen my parents and their siblings struggle through this, I'd strongly suggest your mum moves to sheltered accommodation as soon as possible. Preferably attached to a care home if possible. The sooner she moves (which unfortunately may feel too soon for her), the more likely she is to settle and make friends. My grandparents left it too long and have struggled because of it, causing more angst for the family as well. In comparison, my husband's grandmother moved closer to his family and into sheltered accommodation when she was in her early 80s. She spent nearly 20 years making friends and living her own life, with her level of care gradually increasing until she did eventually move into a room in the main care home. Despite her initial reluctance to make such a big move initially, it was a much smoother transition and she lived a happy and fulfilled life right up to 100, with an easier relationship with her family who were not overburdened by care responsibilities and forced into arguments about it.

This is a crazy idea. Why can't your mum move near you?

Antipyretic was a mysterious IPad typo for 'any' 😁

I don't see that it has to be sheltered accommodation or you moving. We have carers going into my parents twice a day to make sure pills are taken, meals eaten, assist with showers etc. This would surely be a good first step for your mum.

She has dismissed it because she is pretty sure that she will eventually be able to wear you down until you agree to a compromise that severely disrupts your family, which your children and husband will resent and which will drain you physically, financially and emotionally. Clearly her blackmail has failed to impact on your brother and sister, so it is now up to you to be very clear that either you or your family moving is completely a non starter. She needs, perhaps with your help, to start looking at supported accommodation , either where she lives, or possibly closer to you or your sister.

I think you ask her to move nearer to you

You can definitely get someone to help with this. Speak to a career agency and try to find a mothers help type person who could go in a few times a day.

Finding myself in a similarly difficult situation with my parents and housing/care needs issues, I can categorically say that you need to be firm with her.

If she wants your help, then she needs to move to your area or look at sheltered housing. Then all these friends and more distant family that she wants around her can help!