to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

OP I feel your frustration and anxiety about your mum. With me it's Dad, though he's being more helpful in regard to change. I also completely get PP saying their relative will quite happily expect family to go out of their way to keep things just as they are for them.
And if they are cogent sometimes you have to leave them to it, so to speak. My DPs son's GPs - on his Mum's side - are in their eighties and decided to sell up and move to be nearer their also elderly siblings. So they are now a 3hr drive from their one child in the UK. They bought a doer upper and after some basic work have moved in but it has cost way more than they decided it should and their original house hasn't sold because they think it's worth much more than it really is. And now their ready cash is running low but they won't compromise of course it couldn't possibly be their fault or a mad idea in the first place.

They have to work within the care act.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/care-act-statutory-guidance/care-and-support-statutory-guidance#person-centred-care-and-support-planning

A needs assessment followed by person centred choice, (the clients saying clearly they do not want to go into a home) backed up by an assertive relative prepared to quote the law can result in needs being met via a direct payment enough to cover live in care.

They are under budgetary constraints, and will quote what they usually like to budget for, but they all have to work within the statutory framework.

I advise everyone to read the Act and the guidance on Gov.Uk and to talk to Age UK in terms of advocacy.

@SuperCamp
A needs assessment followed by person centred choice, (the clients saying clearly they do not want to go into a home) backed up by an assertive relative prepared to quote the law can result in needs being met via a direct payment enough to cover live in care.

Unfortunately you are wrong - you cannot advocate or strongarm your way into a more costly service for a relative when suitable alternatives can equally meet someone's needs at a far lower cost. Even COP judges take account of that!

Can have direct payment if person is at home but usually at same rate as alternative offers, where their needs could be met by those alternative offers. It's an unusual situation where live in carer is a genuine alternative to residential near similar price.

So -family can choose to top up ie pay the extra themselves. Few families can afford this.

It's too complicated to explain on MN as so many variables, the SW will explore options. You cannot predict what level of support they will offer OPs relative - but a just to say random person off internet promising that 'by being assertive' that their relative will get fully funded live in carer is not helpful and untrue.

@Tiani4 Thanks I know that poster is wrong. And if you refuse to go into a home and the care offered is not enough, they just leave you at home until the inevitable hospital admission.

Can someone please explain then, HOW my parents’ live-in care was funded, in full, by Adult Services?

Because it did happen.

The assessment was done, they came and conducted interviews with my parents, who said they wanted to stay in their own home, my sister advocated for them and provision was made.

What was their financial situation
What assessments did they have
What was their reason for live in care

@SuperCamp I am not denying it. I am very surprised.
The suggestion by a poster though that is because you push for it is wrong.

It may possibly have been because there were two of them, so the cost of two care home places outweighed one/team of live in carers. These decisions are made according to cost, and if you choose the not cheapest one, you have to pay the difference. My husband had live in care for a different reason which related to not being able to find a suitable care place due to very complex needs. It is not usual to fund 24/7 care at home, and it sets a precedent, which is why the local committees fight it very hard. Another reason may have been who funded it (e.g. CHC and social services occasionally work together to fund complex cases, again this happened to us).

That's not difficult SuperCamp to work out that if your parents (two people) had a (one) live in carer that cost was less per person . Live in carer for two people (even though charged for more than one) will work out more cost effective than 2 placements if they both has needs for care home or even one did and the other has needs at a not insignificant level for care at home

Besides just because one client in one area has a funded live in Carer, does not mean that everyone else has exact same specific combination of needs and circumstances nor other options available, nor that if everyone pushes for it will get same service option offered .
Ie anecdotal stories of "my auntie Ethel or parent" it so everyone else should ask for same so ask loudly...'
Care act assessments are individual assessed eligible needs.

They had a house, but had low savings already spent on care visits before anyone realised help was available.

They had a variety of physical and dementia based frailties but were getting by until my Mum fell downstairs. After that she could not get upstairs or look after my Dad who had previously had a stroke, or cook much.

I have no doubt that the finances worked because there were 2 of them (though the funding for Dad continued after my Mum died), and it may be that to begin with the funding was primarily for Mum but the house couldn’t be sold as Dad still lived in it.

But my sisters were repeatedly told that the 4 visit model was the max possible and that the LA never funded overnight care. But after some research and some pushing, it was found that this could be offered, and was.

Unfortunately your mum is the one that needs help and support so she is going to have to make the sacrifices to move closer to one of her children, or she will have to make arrangements for carers to visit her at home and do what she needs.

You would be mad to consider pressuring your family to uproot themselves or to leave them all behind especially when you have school age children.

Glad that you seem to have come to some appropriate decisions regarding your mum. You are right not to move, disrupting your whole family would be a seriously bad move. In your daily chats with your mum you can assess her needs over time, and get a good understanding of when she needs additional care. It may well be that in a few years your mum decides for herself that she would like to find a way to live closer to you. You could talk to Social Services, Elderly Care section, about what local provision there is, supported accommodation like rental flats in a warden monitored block, with shared lounge, meals provided etc. Having an understanding of what is available could be helpful if/when the time comes. If your mum prefers to stay where she is, she is accepting that extra help from you is impossible, but if she is willing, then suitable places can be found. Difficult decisions, but your family comes first.

my friends elderly df had a mobility problem at one point and couldnt get out of bed

he had nhs carers for 6 week then they said he had topay because he owned his home with equity-luckily he only had to have carers for an extra month but he had to pay full price for it

Yes that sounds exactly right, reablement support at home or carers that are non chargeable under social care for up to 6 weeks in his specific circumstances.

and then after then if he had over £23,250 in savings (disregarding his property value that he lives in) he would need to pay full cost for his carers after then, if he had ongoing needs under the care act 2014.

@whynotwhatknot
LA charging policies aren't secret they are fully detailed in all local authority social care information that your friends parent will have had and been advised about.

We all wish that social care was free, but it isn't under legislation and never has been, and if it was free at point of service then all our tax rates would go up so significantly that it would take new legislation and tax rises to cover

My MIL had care at home for four years and she didn't pay for it despite owning her own home. There was another thread about elderly care a few weeks ago and people said I was mistaken, but I wasn't. She only paid when she went into a care home.

But all the OP's mum needs is someone to clean and help her do her shopping. That's easy to sort out and pay for especially if the OP's mum can get attendance allowance.

Don't do it OP, l retired to look after my Parents and pretty soon everything was left to me . I was blamed for everything and l lost 5 years of my income for looking after them for nothing . My Dad died and my Mother has just done a will leaving me the same as my siblings who haven't struck a blow to help . I would never do it again. Don't be a fool . Your Mum needs to go in a care home or have carers , don't do what l did .

People do not pay other than a client contribution when they have care at home

Money tied up in their home only becomes chargeable after admission to a care home if they don't have a partner living there or otherwise disregard person

I have no idea why PP's are adding in these random anecdotes as it has no impact on OPs parent's situation so can I just ask this stops now!!

People think if they know a little bit they ought to share that but really it's so irrelevant that they ought stop now

no one else lives there

Sorry l didn't read the full thread before l replied but l am so glad you didn't move. .

well thats what he was told-unless it was the savings part

i know my neighbours get free care and theyre in a rented council house

Are you mad?! No don’t think about it. She can move closer to you but if you move that’s your life for hers.