to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

Don’t do this either. It will be a huge ball ache as she will expect you there every other weekend, then eventually it will be ‘well you can work from here so may as well stay more often’ etc.

Obviously you shouldn't move but on the other hand I do feel a bit sorry for your brother who seems to be copping the entire burden at the moment.
We have a similar situation with my PIL (very elderly and frail, one with dementia). My DH and his sister live locally and do everything, and the other sister lives an hour away and happily just visits once a month while the other two siblings are run ragged-it can create a bit of resentment.

@littleburn the brother has stepped up. He's the one who has done most of the support up til now. He's just drawing some boundaries and also expecting his sisters to contribute which seems fair enough.

Just no OP.
You came ask your DC or your DH to do this.
It would be very unreasonable if you did.
Maybe she can relocate to closer to you if she wants more support from you

I have young adult DDs and I would never expect this from them.

I feel your pain. When FIL was dying of cancer he was fully expecting one of his DC to leave their own home and family and move in with MIL who needs 24 hour care and cannot be left for more than a couple of minutes without getting extremely distressed. She's in a wheelchair and can't communicate so her reaction is understandable. It was a long and painful process but we got her into a home just 4 weeks before he died.

The best option is for Mum to move to suitable accommodation (for her age and health) much closer to family. Perhaps sheltered housing. Or a groundfloor flat in retirement complex.

Whether she moves closer to you and DB, or your sister, might depend on the availability/cost of accommodation.

Well if she’s
dismissed this, that’s on her.
It’s not reasonable to expect you to move.

Either pay towards a carer, or go and stay overnight (or two) once a week - to do your bit.

No, it's crazy that you uproot an entire family for someone who has, to be brutal, a few more years of life left. She has 3 children. This is not on just you and you should not feel under any pressure. If she doesn't want to move that's her call.

Doing as much stuff remotely as is possible will free up your brother to do the more hands on stuff. If she doesn't want to move and she doesn't want your brother's help she'll have to sort it out for herself.

Does your brother have a family? Don't under-estimate how much time and stress it will be placing on him.

You can help her by arranging care etc ..
we are not obliged to look after our family !

You can get a care assessment done and get her the support and help she needs and is entitled to or she will have to pay

I'm in the same situation and I'll happily manage my mums care but I'm not doing it !

You cannot lose your best years caring for your parents otherwise you parent then do that and before you know it you are old and life has gone !

She needs to move to you, you have a need to live where you do.

I've already had this conversation with my mum and she's only in her 60s, however it came about due to one year having bad snow. I was able to walk around to my grandparents (her mum and dad) and deliver the essentials as they couldn't get their car out - which wasn't bread and milk, it was 6 bottles of red wine and some toilet roll . I said at the time to my mum that I wouldn't be able to do that with her when she's older as she lives half an hour away in a car. So it's always been a given that she will be the one to move when the time is right.
In the meantime OP as your mum doesn't want to move, there are things you can put in place to make life easier. Next time you're at your mums, visit the GP practice and agree that you can make and receive phone calls on your mums behalf. Even with their hearing aids in, my grandparents struggle to understand the GP so either my mum or myself can make/receive the calls and relay this back to them. You can sometimes arrange this over the phone but our practice wanted to see us. Same goes for the pharmacy. Arrange an online food delivery. Research local community groups who will do emergency deliveries in times of bad weather (many of these sprung up during Covid). Most importantly, discuss power of attorney with your mum and siblings. This is not just for money, but for health matters too, especially if she ends up in a home.
I agree with all other posters who say don't uproot your children, they won't thank you for it.

Cleaning, helping with medication, appointments and shopping can all be part of care. It may be a good idea to arrange a regular home help/ personal assistant/carer for support. She may not need much now, but in the future it can be adapted to her needs.
It will be cheaper and less stressful than you running two households and living away from your family.

OP there is an elderly parents board hidden away under other. Lots of people who can give practical advice and share experience on there.

Carers can do a lot of this stuff. There are befriending charities in most places. Has your mum had a social services assessment? They are really good at putting you and your mum in touch with all the support available.

My family have a relative in this position. The adult children took it in turns to be nearby for over a year. There are four of them and it still wasn't reasonable.

They got a companion, a sensible older woman who does three or four hours a day. It took a bit of doing to find the right person but has been a good solution for all concerned.

Have you tried arranging care lately? There isn't any! Families have literally no choice but to do it themselves or stick their parents in a home. Thanks Tories/Brexit

Can you and your siblings take turns, as in 2-3 days a week each?

Now is the time for your mum to put to use what she has 'scrimped and saved for' all her life surely? Carers, cleaners, gardeners, taxis etc etc. Buying in services to make her life safe and healthy in old age. What were her plans for coping as she aged?

No decent parent would allow their busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own to 'care' for them at the end of theirs indefinitely, let alone move to do so. It would say a lot about her if she were even to contemplate it. Not your duty. No such thing. Our duty of care is to ourselves.

I'm afraid I would feel very differently about her regarding this.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream - yes I have. That's why I'm advising the OP. I'm sorry your experience has been poor. Mine hasn't.

I regularly do an Ocado shop for a relative, she gives me a list over the phone, lots of M and S stuff. I also find Pharmacy2you works well if anyone having difficulty getting to a chemist -- postman delivers medicines.
Buses or taxi can take to hospital appointments, or local volunteering services.
Do not think of you moving. There is lots of help around to help your brother not have to step up all the time, it needs organising and probably paying for.
But your family comes first!

+1

I'm in the southeast and the single care agency that had antipyretic staff available was totally unfit for purpose. Since then there have been none available at all. Apparently it's better on the coast but we're inland

Why won’t mum move closer?

are other siblings complaining about the distance?
can you do a granny annexe for mum?