to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

At the moment she needs little support but she needs to start planning for the future with things like power of attorney, attendance allowance, careline alarm, keysafe, any adaptations to the flat. What sort of flat is it, are there communal cleaners, gardeners etc. Does she enjoy joining groups, seeing her friends, getting out apart from m&s that her local community offer.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households

Good grief no.
This is just awful for your boys who are in secondary school. They need you there.

You absolutely cannot move - either you alone or the whole family. It just doesn't work.

Without wanting to sound insensitive, your mother is already late 80s. You could uproot the whole family, having a negative effect on everyone, and your mother passes away within a few years.

You have to be firm on this one. She also has to accept that this is not an option and is never going to be one. So what other options could work?
I understand why your brother is saying he can't do any more etc. but the solution is not for all of you to move there.

I agree that sheltered accommodation would be the ideal

You're right, it almost certainly would be

... but she has completely dismissed this

In which case you may have to wait for a crisis, by which time she'll have little choice - especially when the option of destroying your own immediate family is no option at all

Family problems need family solutions.
You shouldn't tear your families whole life up to shoulder it all.
All get together and identify exactly what help is needed and divide it up between you fairly. It will take organisation and communication to coordinate but that's life. Better than you lobbing a grenade into your own.

That is actual care, and you can employ carers to do that if your brother doesn't want to anymore. There are things you can set up remotely in the first instance, but it might actually be worth employing carers now so that when her needs are greater, there's already a system in place that can just be increased

I think it would be completely unfair to get DH to change jobs/move and to move the DC from their schools - to me the idea of moving nearer your mum is bonkers to say the least! I suggest you have a chat with your Mum and point out that DH can't move and nor can DC, so it's a non-starter. If she needs more care then she needs to think about sheltered accommodation or a care home. I don't say this lightly as my mum had to go into a care home - but now there she would rather be there than anywhere!

If your mum has dismissed sheltered accommodation then she will need to consider what her other options are, as you moving to care for her isn't on the table.

Honestly, people get a bit weird about the elderly when they age and start treating them as if they're children, but they're not. Your mother is a grown woman who has managed to fend for herself during a long life, she is an adult and perfectly capable of weighing up options and deciding on what the best outcome is for her needs. You just have to make it clear you moving isn't an option. It's fine for her to have asked in case it worked for you all but it clearly doesn't. Not many elderly people have the luxury of family nearby to provide hands-on care, and frankly at her age it might not be long before she needs proper professional care anyway which you won't be able to provide.

She has dismissed it because she is pretty sure that she will eventually be able to wear you down ...

Exactly, and even more reason why it would be much kinder to be clear now, so everyone can move on to discussing more sensible options

Nobody pretends it'll be easy but we all get older and need to consider planning for this, and sorry but I do get very tired of seniors feeling that "Shan't" is the answer

Hmm, I think I would have a conversation with DB to see what can be arranged. It sounds at the moment as if he is struggling and, rightly or wrongly, feels he is having to do more than he can manage. If he had a spare room, for example, it might be possible to organise to stay there for a few days from time to time and give him some respite from responsibility without uprooting the whole family.

This is a common problem with elderly parents: stubbornness.

There is absolutely no way you should move, given your circumstances - particularly your teens' education/life/friends and your dh's job (not to mention your family unit!). I would worry your mum is not thinking straight - nobody in their right mind would throw a wrecking ball into a family's life like this.

She needs to move into sheltered accommodation or face the crisis that will inevitably happen. And I would advise you not to pussyfoot around the issue - I would tell her that there isn't any way you can move and again tell her that sheltered accomodation is the best way forwards - either near you or in her locality near your brother.

If she’s allowed to completely dismiss sheltered accommodation then you are allowed to completely dismiss relocating your entire family to a place that your husband can’t work, where your kids education would be absolutely destroyed, and where you would have to give up your friends and voluntary job.

I’m absolutely gobsmacked that you are even considering this. Especially since your mum already has a child who lives locally. Why does the responsibility for caring always fall on the women? Why is your brother so feckless? Is he one of the people putting pressure on you and your family to give up your entire lives just because he can’t be arsed to help his mum?

In my opinion no one is obliged to look after anyone except for their own children because they chose to bring them into the world. Your mum has two other perfectly reasonable options - support from your brother or sheltered housing. She needs to make her choice.

What happens if she dies? Could easily happen very soon . So you will have uprooted your life and are stuck in an area that you don't want to
be in.
Your brother probably does feel overburdened but this is not the solution. Can you compromise by maybe staying with her two days a month and schedule appointments, hair cuts , etc. Get a cleaner in and make it a part of the deal that they will do small errands .Obviously not all these suggestions might work for you but there has got to be a better solution than your whole family being uprooted. Like many older people, your mother is being very unrealistic and frankly quite selfish.

It's not reasonable for you to move, there are too many obstacles. I think your mum should move closer to you, but at her age she would find moving very stressful. Could you help her by contacting an estate agent, looking out for suitable accommodation, and booking a removal firm which does all the packing up and unpacking at the other end? It's an expensive option, but better than your whole family having to uproot themselves.

It's a bit odd that your mother is living in a one-bed flat.

What happened to the family home, presumably with 4 bedrooms, in which you and your two siblings were raised. Was it sold when your father died?

If your mother was very well-off, would that change your thinking at all?

What about a service like Good Life Sorted? They match "helpers" with elderly people and the service is designed to help people stay in their homes for longer. They can help with shopping, appointments, medication reminders, meal prep etc.

They're not in all areas of the country yet so it would depend where she lives but there might be something similar in her area if Hood Life Sorted aren't.

www.goodlifesorted.com

you can’t leave your husband and children to look after your mother! They’re your children! Anyone in your family who would expect you to do this is insane! You honestly can’t seriously consider this for a second!

You can't move, it just does not work for you at all. I live in a different place from my family. I really thought carefully about having children here as I realised that would be it, no going home. Even if I split from my DP, who couldn't work over at home, or at least not in the same career, I could not uproot my children from a home they were happy in.

When you moved, you rooted yourself to the pace that you live, because it works for your family. If it did not, obviously you would need to reconsider, but the bottom line is that this is where you live, where your family live, where you are all happy.

If you want to do more for your mother, invite her to stay for periods of time, or even to move closer to you. Or spend a weekend a month at her house. That is all you can offer.

My Dad has always dismissed care/help but actually now he needs it, he's been very accepting. It's probably just something that she's not ready to discuss yet if she is managing OK.

But do sort out someone in the family having power of attorney. I'm in a very stressful situation with my bossy control freak sister who is reigning over Dad with a rule of terror - he's asked me to manage his money/health needs but LPA's are so slow that chances are he'll be dead (he has cancer) before it is granted.

You must have this in place for medical decisions.

It's a difficult one... but I would no uproot the whole family for this.
Your mum needs to face reality and you as siblings need to help to sort something out.

Having said that, I have been told (not asked) by SIL who is lives 30 minutes up the road to take care of MIL as she is getting more and more frail... her reasoning, me and DH are closest to her both physically and emotionally.
When I told her surly this will have to be shared between siblings, she just said, she can't do it as she has cared for family members all her life and wants some freedom - her choice to have 4 kids.
The issue is, she isn't my mum and I don't feel that her care is my responsibility.
DH & I work FT and we still have a dependent child.
SIL had no dependents and works part time.

Like many older people, your mother is being very unrealistic and frankly quite selfish
You'll be old yourself one day. I wouldn't say being unrealistic and selfish is confined to old people.

I think you should look into sheltered accommodation anyway, as it's hard to get, near us anyway. It'll take a while to get that sorted. By then, she might have reconsidered her situation.

If it's too soon for supported or sheltered housing in your late-eighties, when is it going to happen?! It's absolutely ridiculous to expect you to move, you have a family, kids in school. I am already planning my move to downsize and go into appropriate accommodation, and I'm only in my fifties. Not right now, but once the children are grown. All these old people adamant they want to stay in their own homes, it's causing huge problems in the housing market, all their capital is tied up in their houses, and there aren't enough carers to visit several times a day for each older person. I think it's fine for your brother to flag up he's feeling overloaded, and for you to take over some things remotely (cleaning, online shopping, pharmacy for starters). Beyond that, a frank conversation needs to be had. It's either pay for carers, or move to supported housing ideally with a care home. I can't get over these people who just hope they can beat illness and death and old age by willing it to be so and by putting pressure on their families in the prime of their lives. Something has to give, and the solutions need to come from your mum, not you.

You have kids in school. She needs to more closer to you.

I see I was wrong about the big house, she's already in a one bed flat- shame she didn't move to a lovely supported housing complex last time around...but she can have carers/support for everyday tasks, hopefully she lives somewhere there's some carers, often rural places are isolated.

Especially since your mum already has a child who lives locally. Why does the responsibility for caring always fall on the women? Why is your brother so feckless? Is he one of the people putting pressure on you and your family to give up your entire lives just because he can’t be arsed to help his mum?

In OPs posts she says her brother does all the work, he's clearly overburdened and needs help. Also OP said her mum sometimes prefers a female for certain things which is fair enough. I agree with you that it's selfish of the mum to expect this, but it's not fair to say the brother who has carried the entire weight and both of the sisters have done none, to be 'feckless'. It sounds like he is at breaking point.