to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

Your Mum should move closer to you, not the other way round

@JimDixon I come from a very working class background. My parents were the first in both families to own their own home (well, mortgaged), and it wasn't until they were in their late thirties. My Mum has downsized over three moves. What has happened with most of that money is a very very long story for another thread and involves basically funding the other sisters life style! She has never been wealthy though. And there was never a four bedroomed house in there! We stay in a local premier inn when we visit her and are staying over night.

Her moving closer to us just isn't a possibility due to costs. She wouldn't be able to afford our area, and moves her away from her friends and extended family (nieces, cousins, sister (her sister is older and has recently developed Alzheimer's).

Do not do this. Completely unfair to make such radical changes that affect your entire family. And very unfair of your family to guilt trip you. Keep pushing back.

Not a chance OP.
I love my mum dearly. But I live 3 hours away and my sister lives overseas.
There is no WAY that I'm working hard in my 30s to build a ccommunity and roots around me, to then ditch it all, along with my hard-earned career, to move to be an unpaid carer!
Like your mum OP, mine has a huge network around her where she's lived her entire life, so moving closer to me would cause her to be lonely and isolated.
The only solution, when/if the time comes, is to have carers visit her home, or to go into sheltered accommodation.
I'll drive up every few weekends, but can't offer more than that.

@JusteanBiscuits Things my sis & I did.. my sis took over all Mum's financial concerns.. things were changing too quickly for her & she was getting in a tizz about it, eg ATM's instead of 'proper' banks with counter service.
I went down almost every day by taxi, only about 6 miles but my kids were concerned, they said I looked shattered. (Sister lives in a different county, 3 train journeys - there are only the two of us.)
We got shopping delivered via Asda. I would put Mum's medication out each day, cook & clean for her.
It was unsustainable.. she got dementia & eventually was 'seeing' strange men in her house & ringing her neighbours for help. I just could not be there any more than I was.
She'd keep switching the kettle on despite there being no water in it, & phone the fire brigade when it started smoking.. eventually someone rang an amulance for her, & she went into hospital for an assessment, then we got her a self funded place in an incredible care home. She was there for 8 months before she died. Kinda wish we'd organised it sooner, but on the other hand, she would have been more 'aware' then, so maybe things happened as they were supposed to. She would have never agreed to give up her bungalow.

She hid money ALL the time & forget where she'd hidden it, then shout at my sis & I because she had 'NO money in this house..'

Sometimes we just have to do things that the parent doesn't want. Neither my sis nor I could have had her with us, our houses are too small & in any case it would have been 24/7 care & of course we all have other commitments.

It doesn't get better, so I would highly recommend getting things in place now.
We did have advice from Age UK etc but tbh although their ideas are great, the agencies that they work with just haven't got the funds. No-one has yet been in touch about lowering mum's doorstep, for example, or doing an urgent council assessment - it's five months since she died!!

There were no lunch clubs or anything due to Covid restrictions - nothing is as easy as you think it's going to be.. GP's didn't seem to know what they were doing, the Memory Clinic ditto.. just constant appts which are draining..

I sincerely wish you well, OP, I know from the sound of it that your mum doesn't have alzheimers or anything yet, but it totally takes over your life. Hugs.

I am in the same position only that i live in another country to my mum .I know what you what you are going through.Do not move to be near your mum !!!

She has lived her life and you deserve to live yours

Uprooting your whole family would be madness .Teenagers do not transplant well .They would never forgive you!

Why has she told you that YOU have to do it rather than your husband?! Women’s work?

Could she not live with you?

This.

Honestly OP it's completely insane that you are even considering this.

Why are you putting your mother's wants ahead of your family's needs?

Honestly really really think about yourself and your family before doing it. This comes from someone who helped their Mum as they really needed it and is now on brink of divorce and terribly unhappy. Your mum might need to consider moving closer to you. Have you suggested that? I bought my parents house as they were aging and needed to pay off their mortgage. My family are now completely stuck and it’s awful. Not quite the same situation and I can see you care about your Mum bit just think before you do this x

that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind

Honestly. I've been though this with the aged parents. My only advice is do not do it.

Start to look for someone locally who can visit more regularly and be 'you'. People with the right training and experience can be so much more effective carers as people get older.

It's really tough to care for a parent. They tend to be much much better behaved for 'strangers'. Find someone or at least an agency locally and get the process started, or at least in place so you are prepared.

Visits to make lunch three time a week can expend over time to be to cover help to get up and washed, make a hot lunch and the. Leave something for supper.

We found the HomeInstead people were good and moved to country cousins when live in, overnight support was required.

This allowed us to keep our relationship with mother for an extra year or so as we could visit and not just need to do the caring. All the best.

Good luck. Do not disrupt your own life.

I used Oak house foods I think they are called,for mum. They were lovely meals most of which were microwave friendly. They were also elderly friendly, in that you could order over the phone, with an account I had set up, and they had a physical brochure as well as online, mum liked looking through to choose her meals .You can't move your family and uproot your life, that's on your mum unfortunately, I had this, I made it clear that I would help her to move to more suitable accommodation but she didn't want to 🤷. I helped where I could, and she tried to guilt me many times into providing more to the point where it made me feel Ill, stand your ground tell yourself you are doing your best and would meet her halfway, don't be guilt trippped. I would suggest that you be more forceful to get her to move nearer to you, because once she needs more care (and she probably will) , you will be getting constant phone calls to help because she has: fallen, got an infection etc. etc. Make both of your lives easier whilst you can. Good luck op

Your mother needs ot move near you. That is the most reasonable option. You can't and shouldn't uproot an entire family, jeopardise your DH's work and children's schooling and social lives (especially after the pandemic trashed both so recently) to care for an elederly parent. She has to move to sheltered accommodation near you. You need to discuss with your siblings a fair rota of assistance/division of labour to make this happen soon.

My Mum was in a similar situation at around the same age. She made the decision to move nearer to my sister, even though both of my brothers were just around the corner. Now that she's in her mid-nineties, she thinks this is the best decision she ever made.

This would be a good alternative (if she has space.) Your DH obviously can't move and no way would I uproot DC to go to an awful school. It would be a no from me.

I would add, that we visit my mum as often as we can, either staying with her or nearby. We also take her on hols with us, to give my sis a break.

This. I am sure it would be jolly convenient for your mum and other family for you to uproot yourself and your own family, but they can jog on. And don't take their guilt trips.

Your options as I see it are:

• move her to a care home/supported living
• move her to where you are
• your sister and you provide respite for your brother in the form of each staying Friday evening to Sunday evening one weekend each a month (on sofa bed at your mum's).

Disrupting your entire family's life is not an option. And I don't mean to be insensitive but you could move your entire life and then she die in the next few years.

It's a great shame she has dismissed sheltered accomodation although I understand why. The older one gets the harder it becomes to move. You, however, should not consider moving either. Your husband and children must come first. If she needs accompanying to hospital appointments is there no one in the extended family or friend who lives near her to take her?

I had a decade of a mother with Alzheimers.

Luckily my mum lived by the sea, and there was no point in moving her to London. We were able to buy a small holiday rental flat, using a BTL mortgage, which we used when it was not rented out. It gave us some distance and meant that weekends were not dominated by chores, and that DH and DC would join me.

If/when DH's parents need help we will look for cheap out of season holiday accommodation and rent it through the winter, offering to to BiL when he visits.

I was able to move my mother to very sheltered accommodation. Own flat but 24 hour warden, cooked lunch, laundry and cleaning. I then arranged for a carer to come in, towards the end it was three times a day.

I still had a lot to do, but could do admin from home, and turn up to take my mother to crucial dental and hospital appointments etc. It meant that everything could run without me being there.

My mother thought she was independent and when she got used to it likes the security and company of the sheltered housing. I kept my sanity.

OP. YANBU. You don't have to look after your mother any more than your 2 siblings do.

She needs supported living if she is no longer able to live on her own. Does she get attendance allowance? That can help to pay for meal delivery, cleaning etc.

You could discuss with your siblings that you will each visit her once a month or something, so that she has regular visits, and you can do bits and pieces while you are there, but she needs to have regular help sourced for the rest of the time. Your sister also lives 2 hours away. You need to work out something that works for all of you, but that does not include you moving home to do it all.

Not all of us are able to care for ageing parents due to personal circumstance.

Dreadful idea having her move in to her household disrupting the teenagers lives, and also their marriage and day to day household. I don't even support her moving closer to OP, because eventually her mum will try and move in with OP. The only solution is her moving to assisted living.

Just read update that she lives in a one bedroom flat.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty, you can't move as DC are at a crucial point in their education. You can't move because of DH's job, end of.

You can't move or take on the bulk of your mother care. Full stop.

Because it would affect you and everyone else in your family (kids, partner) and cause financial concerns too in term of your husband and his job.

Your mother can't just decide what everyone else should be doing with their lives.

Her options are:

• stay at home with paid carers who come in every day
• move into sheltered accommodation or a care home
• more to live closer to you with daily paid carers.

You other family members are not willing to have their life inconvenienced yet they expect you to do this? how convenient for them.

You really need to be more assertive and put better boundaries in place with everyone.

Not read the whole thread but if M&S is a must for your Mum then try Ocado. I find their prices very reasonable (brands price matched to Tesco) and delivery is super reliable.