to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

Not if you have less than £13.5k assets excluding your home. That is the law. It is not discretionary. You are assessed on your needs and that legally has to be funded by yhe local authority. The assessed needs have to be funded if you have low savings. It's not discretionary it's a legal requirement.

OP, you might look to see if there is anything offered by Retirement Security Ltd in your area. My own view, albeit in sharp contrast to other posters, is that given what you got, service charges were reasonable.
My aunt was in one of those for a short time before she died. My cousin is still trying to sell the flat, but there are so many in the block up for sale. Nobody wants to buy them, even though they're really cheap, because of the service charge, and perhaps covid's also put people off. In the meantime, he's still liable for the service charge, even though the flat's not occupied. It's such a millstone.

Anyone concerned about funding take advice from someone like Age UK. They know the actual rules. My ILs who had low savings and income had 4 visits a day for MIL, 2 sessions at a day centre for MIL and 8 hours sitting service a week to allow FIL a break and get to his medical appointments fully funded. Towards the end of his life the visits were extended to give FIL care as well. Don't assume there will be no or little funding without checking with people who know the actual rules.

And it wasn't continuing health care and it was in England

I am talking from experience here. Getting continuing care funding is hard.
Its like someone saying children should get an ECP assessment and plan and their needs met through that. You might get it eventually, but it is a fight.

Was it a long time ago?

And day centres are all closed in City I live in. A few lunch clubs run by charities still exist.

That's why you need to get a proper assessment done by the local authority. I thought we would have to pay but we did not, as there's a minimum amount you have to be left with to live off which cannot be touched. This was not CHC. It's a complex area and even using assessment tools can lead you to the wrong answer (it told me we would have to pay)- OP, I would definitely get an adult care assessment done and then you will know the options of care at home at this time point to relieve your brother.

Very recrnt. FIL died 3.5 months ago and MIL went into a care home a4 weeks before.

My experience with my parents is that Attendance Allowance can be out towards care, I.e subsidising it, but if you are assessed by Adult Services as needing care, if your savings are below the threshold, then you get that care. Free.

And we got live in care funded for my parents. Possibly because there were two of them. Live in carer, 2 hours respite a day for the Carer’s break and a couple of other needs costs. It was given as a direct payment, attendance allowance deducted.

Recently.

I agree: consult AgeUK.

I am genuinely shocked you got that for free. Normally if someone needs more than 4 visits a day SS insist on a care home, or you pay for it.
I wonder what country you are in the UK? Maybe things are very different there?

In our case, there was no care home available despite SS's huffing and puffing. No-one would take them at that time point, so care had to be provided at home. I agree mostly once it goes over 4 visits, it is more cost-efficient for the person to be in a care home, perhaps this was not the case for two people? No idea.

I think getting a care assessment is the first step in understanding the options and suggest the OP starts there.

England, South East. Contributions are entirely dependent on income and assets and if yoarete low on both you are legally entitled free care. I'm assuming that the people you have engaged with have had higher income or assets but I've known plenty of people have funded care at that level.

FIL only had personal care for the last few weeks of his life but tbh he spent most of that in hospital. He wanted 24 hour home care for MIL when he became incapacitated but that was a definite no no and I don't think it would have been good for her, she gets social interaction in her care home.

Live in care funded.

Bloody hell.

Yet my dad paid full whack in a care home as dementia doesn't count as an illness for continuing health care!

It's a shambles!

Don't move!!! If she wants support she can move. It would be absolutely ridiculous for your whole life to be disrupted and made worse for the sake of one person.

England.
It was Norfolk.
They were below the savings threshold.

My aunt was in one of those for a short time before she died. My cousin is still trying to sell the flat, but there are so many in the block up for sale. Nobody wants to buy them, even though they're really cheap, because of the service charge, and perhaps covid's also put people off. In the meantime, he's still liable for the service charge, even though the flat's not occupied. It's such a millstone.

He's still liable or the estate is?

MIL didn't get live in care funded. He asked and was told no but while MIL was home he did get a good level of support. They both worked hard all their lives but in low paid socially necessary jobs so were in rented accommodation with low savings and reliant on pension credits.

I have never heard of anyone getting live-in care funded. Glad you did though.
There is a massive shortage of carers and local authorities struggle to pay for it all.

Age UK set it out here.
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-homecare/

I've said twice he wanted but didn't get. What MIL did get was 4 visits, 2 days at day centre 10-2 plus 8 hours sitting service which was a high level of home care funded. MIL is now in a care home funded as she cannot be left alone and FIL is dead.

I think Antelope is referring to my parents, who did get live in care provided. But there were two of them needing care, so one live-in may not have been far off the cost of your MIL’s package x 2

That makes sense. Even if both ILs had needed the full package it wouldn't have worked as there would have been nowhere for the carer to sleep but he never thought that was important!

I was talking about countrygirl.
I was told the most they would provide is 4 visits a day and if more was needed a care home was the only option. I hadn't realised policies varied so much by local authority.