Can I be fat and attractive at the same time?

[Freespirit12]

Inspired by another thread on here which got me thinking.

Since meeting dh, over the years i have put on four(ish) stones.

This is not ideal from a health point of view I know but on a day to day basis I'm ok with it

When I come across posts where partners are demanding that their OH lose weight in order to find them attractive again it makes me doubt my dh who says he still finds me attractive.

I think to myself " does he REALLY fancy me or is he making do?"

I would love to hear from others who are in a similar position where weight gain is not an issue.

Thanks.

@Theydoyaknow hence why I said it depends...

Personally I think shape is just as important as weight. Someone who is toned & in proportion is my ideal for both sexes.

Bottom line is that you will look very different four stones heavier.

OH manages it very well

You will get mixed answers

Keep in mind that criticism or concerns over weight are one of the worst things that you can say to your partner.

IME people cannot be honest about it without risking hurt feelings.

Of course you can. My partner has changed loads. Gained weight, has a receding hair hairline, scars from multiple surgery's. I still fancy the pants off him.

Interesting...

For those who have kindly mentioned the health risks over my weight, I have already mentioned that I am well aware of that.

My question is can I still be attractive.

How do I feel in this weight? Some days I'm on cloud nine and couldn't give a toss. Other times I am appalled at how much I have let myself go.

Bedroom is definitely an issue. DH is kind and says all the right things but I NEVER leave the lights on.

I suppose I can't get my head round how someone could love a non conforming body type.

But it's a confidence issue I guess. It's something I'm working on but don't want to lose the weight to gain confidence. I would rather be content at any stage in my life.

I'm a work in progress.

Today I think I will be fat and happy 😉

I think its good to be confident in yourself however I encourage you to stop the weight gain now if you can. I kept gaining weight slowly, it was one stone, then two.. kept telling myself 'ah that's fine I'll be able to get it off'. Then another few stone.. Before you know it you're uncomfortable, your knees start to get painful and you can't be as active as you want to be. I've lost 6st this year and I feel like a different person. I wish I'd put a stop to it sooner!

I'm fat and attractive, have gained 4.5 stone since our wedding day. DH fancies me as do (some) other men. 😉

I suppose I can't get my head round how someone could love a non conforming body type.

It's not about conforming or non conforming body types.
Lots of obese people find partners as do slim people.
It's personal preference for what and who we find attractive.
I am not into blond guys at all. I have in fact never dated a blond guy come to think of it. 😳

Your dh didn't even say anything. You are just taking someone else's problems into your relationship. That never ends well

Four stones is an enormous amount tbh, that would take me from the middle of a healthy BMI to tipping into obese. DH has put a stone or two on since we met but it hasn't impacted my attraction to him at all. Double that? It might well start to, honestly. It's not just the weight itself but what it represents: letting yourself go and not bothering to try and be attractive to your partner anymore, taking them for granted. It's not very attractive.

It doesn't really matter what we think though, for all we know your DH might have a thing for BBW! And be perfectly content. I would speak to him and say you really want his genuine honest opinion and won't turn on him for sharing it. If he did prefer you slimmer would it make a difference to your decisionmaking?

I think there's a difference between loving someone and finding them attractive. You might continue to love your partner despite an increase in weight, but no longer find them attractive. Long-term love and commitment is different and based on more than just physical attraction.

If someone wanted to attract someone new - perhaps it might be more of a problem.

Just a personal view, though - and I know it won't be a popular one. I do think it's unfair to expect a partner to accept a big weight gain without any change in the relationship. I'm not talking about the odd stone - but I think it's disingenuous to pretend that it shouldn't have any effect. I don't mean by this that it's OK for someone to ditch a partner because they've put on a serious amount of weight, but that it might well mean they no longer find them attractive - that's not something they can help!

Also, it's kind of respectful to your partner to keep fit and healthy if you can, I think.

I think there's a difference between loving someone and finding them attractive. You might continue to love your partner despite an increase in weight, but no longer find them attractive. Long-term love and commitment is different and based on more than just physical attraction

Exactly. Also see: age. People age differently and at different rates. You can't expect people to remain the same 22 year old person all their lives.

I used to be very slim. I have about the same weight gain as you op. My husband still can't keep his hands off me; nothing has changed. Yes, I'll probably lose some of the weight now that I've had the last of my four children, but I very much doubt my body will ever be the same again! I'm OK with that. My body has done a wonderful thing. Four times! I am never going to look the same as I did when we first got together. We have evolved together, and still going strong.

You can definitely be overweight and be attractive.

Some people carry extra weight well. For my personally, I don't look good with any extra weight, it goes straight to my face and belly.

My partners family carry extra weight well. Partner is 2 stone overweight, but he is very tall and it doesn't go to his face. If he was a healthy BMI to be honest I think he wouldn't look healthy . My SIL are stunning, they are sizes, 16/18/ 20. They have much pretty faces than me, at a size 10.

It's an individual thing. Personally I wouldn't want to be 4 stone overweight, but that certainly does not mean you aren't attractive.

Four stone is a lot of weight OP.
You can of course still be attractive though and really it depends on your size prior to this gain.

I was a size 12 when we met. Am 18/20 now.

Right....this evening I am going to ask him for his honest opinion. Let him know that It will be gratefully received and won't end up in me drowning my sorrows in a tub of Ben and Jerry's if I don't like the response.

Right....this evening I am going to ask him for his honest opinion. Let him know that It will be gratefully received and won't end up in me drowning my sorrows in a tub of Ben and Jerry's if I don't like the response.
What is the point in asking him. It'll cause upset whether you like it or not.
Have you noticed that the attraction has changed?
Was he mainly attracted to slim women before you got together?
Love is so much deeper than physical attributes.
I have had the chat with DP before, it impacts the relationship.
He goes on a mission to lose weight but doesn't he is left knowing I don't like his body.
He is very kind, loving and supportive partner and father so unless he chooses to get healthy there's nothing I can do.
Though my fear is he'll continue to gain.

People age differently and at different rates. You can't expect people to remain the same 22 year old person all their lives.
You'd expect them to change naturally, obesity is not aging naturally, it can transform a person.

No

How insightful, thank you for your thoughtful contribution.

My other half has got much bigger then lost a lot over the 15 years we have been together

I have always loved and found him attractive whatever size but am glad he has now lost weight as we are getting older and I was beginning to worry about his long term health and I want him to be around for a long time!

Without the context of a relationship, in general, more fat = less attractivity. There are exceptions to this both due to the person in question and because of what different people find attractive. But as a broad generalisation that's how it is.

However, people in relationships aren't solely attracted by their OH's looks. The love you have for one another, plus the other's personality, go a long way to making them attractive to you.

I repeat.

You are bringing someone else's issues into your relationship. You should stop and think why you want to bring an issue in because no matter what he answers, it will be wrong in your head

This is NOT directed at the OP, to whom I send all good wishes, BUT:

For good or bad, fancying - or loving (much more important) - people is not about weight. So much more is involved, especially in long-term relationships. Perhaps this is old-fashioned, but the old marriage service ' for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health etc...' springs to mind. Looked at cold-bloodedly, that's one hell of a commitment. But I think quite a lot of people - self included- would still find it worthwhile.

It's almost certainly better for us all - men and women - if we can maintain a moderate body weight, eat healthily and take a reasonable amount of exercise. We all know that. But's that's the ideal. Sadly - predictably - real life often makes this difficult. Still - perhaps - it's worth aiming for, if we possibly can.