To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

I would be polite and friendly any time that you meet face to face. I wouldn’t organise any other activities with her.

to be honest, anytime she messages to ask if you’d like to do something, I would ignore the message,other than that come up with some excuse as to why you can’t go. She’ll eventually get her message and stop asking. This won’t be her first rodeo

If your messages are short enough that she knows somethings wrong, you're not being as polite as you think.

I'd be honest with her and just say the kids are disappointed to have missed out on spending time with their friends again then ask her if there's another reason she regularly cancels.

She could be struggling with depression or anxiety or be in a controlling relationship. Of course, she might just be flaky, but don't assume.

Just don't reply or keep it light

"I'm just busy. See you next week (with group)"
"See you at school gates"

Don't answer. Distract & move on.

Never arrange anything with her again. Always be too busy and only go to group stuff. Spend your time with other people. Or out with other friends.

You're not 12 so you don't have to have a conversation about why you aren't 'close friends' anymore . You can just let her slide.

Like you I would t believe her as she flakes so often. And it's rude and inconsiderate. She won't keep her friends is she treats everyone like this.

Sure.

Maybe she has dementia too

In response to her message I'd just be vague 'no nothings wrong, let's catch up at school drop off / next group meet'. But keep any further messages short, as you have been doing. As temping as it is to let her know she's been flaky one too many times, I'd not bother. Sometimes it's not worth the hassle. If she invites you out again alone, just say you can't make it for whatever reason. If it's part of a group activity then go if you want to.

I’d quietly withdraw too.

just reply shortly and politely, to the current message just reply ‘nothing wrong’.
if you tell her why you’re upset she can cause drama by saying your horrible for being upset when she was sick and unable to come to the show.

Don’t organise anything with her again. Theatre tickets are expensive and your sister could have gone with you.

I would be politely upfront and say, "I don't know if you're aware of this, but you do seem to cancel on us last minute quite a lot. It upsets the kids so I'd rather avoid the scenario."

Yy to only meeting in group things; it'll lower the stakes. I don't think anyone would benefit from a big pow-wow about why your friendship isn't a going concern... just scale back.

I would be half open with her - tell her you and the kids were disappointed they couldn't make it, and it was a shame she couldn't let you know sooner (to avoid them being upset at the start of the show ).

But you don't need to tell her you don't wanna be close friends. She'll work that out.

I quite like snowypetals advice too - I think as Brits we're a bit too coy about this kind of stuff - nothing at all wrong with being more upfront but polite.

Thanks everyone for the responses, I was thinking I should maybe just be upfront about it but at the same time I didn’t really know how a conversation like that would pan out.

I’ll quietly withdraw and only go to group things with her, not individual things. It’s a shame, especially as our kids are so friendly, but I really just think flakiness is really
rude, shitty behaviour and I can’t deal with it!

@RambamThankyouMam I've reported that post - so fed up of reading ill
Informed rubbish about autism, and for it to be offered up like this.

Op, on your dilemma I think snowypetal's suggestion is good if you want to address it, if not let it quietly fizzle out.

I would be more up front with her, “You seem to cancel on us a lot and it’s really disappointing for the kids and me. I’m happy to go to groups events, but I don’t want to arrange something with you when there’s a high chance you won’t show up”. As a PP above said, this won’t be her first rodeo.

I'd withdraw and definitely not do anything that costs money with her. Flaky people are so annoying.

That said, if there is a genuine reason, I'd give her some grace, but not do anything that costs money. When my child went through some serious health issues my usually reliable self became a bit flaky. Sometimes I had to cancel at the last minute as my child couldn't leave the house, even if I wanted to. It really sucked for me too and I lost some friends over it. I can see their pov but I really couldn't help it.

I've got tons of health problems, most of them I've had all my life but were undiagnosed until I had some time off and some extra money to get private healthcare during lockdown. They've all contributed to a degree of flakiness that I genuinely have been unable to help. I'm now part of loads of support groups for people with loads of conditions that cause flakiness and there are posts about it daily (most people realise they're letting people down but their conditions prevent them from being reliable). I've been very lucky in that my friends have always stuck around and I think most could sense that there were things going on even if none of us knew what they were! I think your friend might appreciate being asked and you might find yourself less resentful if you found out she was dealing with something beyond her control or that she was too embarrassed to mention. But equally if you'd just rather not organise stuff with her again then that's also ok. At the very least, keep an open mind though! I know a woman who was always late and cancelling and she lost jobs and friends over it. It turned out in the end she had OCD and was getting trapped in rituals every time she had to leave the house. Having to touch every wall 800 times before she could leave or else something bad would happen to her family. Caused a lot of stress for a lot of people but it wasn't a lack of respect for her friends and family. It was a serious mental health condition that she was too ashamed to tell anyone about.

I don’t see how saying nothing is wrong helps either side- surely much better to be honest, In as kind a way as you can manage. After all, you have a genuine reason for finding the friendship unsustainable.

You could tell her OP. But you don’t owe it to her.

Sometimes there is no point trying to get your side of the story across, and unless this was a very good friend over many years, why would you bother.

Just quietly step back.

And I guarantee you that she knows what the problem is. Trust me.

I would only tell her if directly confronted face to face, other wise I wouldn’t bother.

And 25 min notice to not show up, is just plain rude.

Oh no don’t say anything. Anyone with a bit of empathy would have understood that you’re being upset after basically being stood up by her for the umpteenth time.

If you tell her you’re upset she can use it to turn around and play the victim because evil you blames her for being sick. She might have genuine issues but it’s more likely she just doesn’t respect your time and feelings. I would just text back ‘nothing wrong, just busy’ and not make any new plans with her again that aren’t a group activity.

Honestly, I’d be brutal. I’d agree, then say “Actually, something better came up.” Or “Honestly, I CBA today. Just don’t feel like it.” Or “I’d rather hang with Angie.”

I would just say nothing's wrong and just rather busy these days. Then just quiet deciding for myself I won't organise anything with the mom. You can still chiat chat etc but you don't need to organise outings with her.

Call her. And talk to her about this.

I said you're unreasonable to pretend nothing's wrong and just slither away without doing some grown up communicating.

It is rude, shitty behaviour and I’d feel the same as you.