To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

O, just thought...is there a pattern? Does she cancel the expensive trips / ones that cost money?

Some people say yes and wriggle out of arrangements later as they are not ready / able to say they can't keep up financially with a group / friend.

You may check in with her about cancelling as @girlmom21 suggests?

You have made the right decision to quietly withdraw, always be busy, keep things light or whatever. I used to know someone who did this - she’d get her dh to phone up whoever she was supposed to be meeting and say she had a migraine - she even told me it was not true. She just didn’t feel like doing what had been organised.

if you are honest with her, you’ll look like the bad guy. Time has taught me that honesty isn’t the best policy!

This! Why tip toe around forever. Just be polite but straight

Well of course, ADHD always makes you late for everything. It's great she's got a diagnosis though because now she'll be able to get ready earlier so that her condition doesn't make her late again. No, her ADHD does not explain why she's always late. Her shitty time keeping does lol

I know on these threads people always suggest that the flakey person might have ADHD or autism or whatever, and they're right.

They are right? I don't recall severe flakiness being part of my ASD assessment and I don't recall ever not turning up. They aren't right, and poor behaviour shouldn't be associated with clinical diagnosis, which usually impacts the diagnosed person much more.

Does she have anxiety? To cancel so often and with so little notice seems like something a person with severe anxiety might do. I have a relative like this. We plan something for weeks and then at the last moment, she gets extremely anxious and stuck in a loop so she says she's sick etc, in order to get out of it.

If this lady is part of a wider friendship group, I wouldn't cut her off but I would be honest with her. Tell her you will continue to be her friend but every time she cancels plans, it hurts you and causes a lot of disruption so you're no longer willing to go out one on one with her.

You need to tell her as nicely as you can, that this was the last straw for you, it disappointed you and your DC and wasted the tickets.

She may have anxiety or other issues, but to keep doing it time and again is very unfair on everyone else.

Ongoing, just don't arrange anything with her, make your own plans. If she asks why then just be honest and say but X you always cancel at the last minute so there is no point.

I'd agree. It might just be the catalyst to make her do something about it if she does have issues. This could be the wake up call that she's going to lose friends if she doesn't address this. Yes she could have some sort of anxiety but in the cold hard light of day, unfortunately that isn't everyone else's problem. In the real world people will only accommodate so many let downs.

“I’m finding it hard to deal with the kids disappointment when you keep cancelling on us.”

I would tell her I’m fed up of making plans with you and you cancelling at the last minute. It’s upsetting and especially upsetting for my kids who were looking forward to spending time with their friends.

I really wouldn't bother confronting her with her flakiness, she will come up with reasons/excuses or whatever and make you feel shit.

My best friend is very flaky. I love her dearly but half the time when she is invited out she won't come. She's either tired, working, dogs ill, kid needs a lift, stuff like that. It used to annoy the hell out of me but at the end of the day she is my oldest and best friend and has many wonderful qualities. When I extend an invitation to her its always in the back of my mind she won't come so I just don't put myself in a position where it impacts my day. I love her, flaws and all but out friendship goes back 35 years and we have been there for each other through marriages, divorce, deaths etc so a bit different to a 2 year friendship. Don't think I would tolerate it for such a new friend. I wouldn't say anything, just reply I'm fine, hope all good with you. If you do make plans with her, don't tell the kids until you're literally on your way and if she wants to make plans you could always say something like let's play it by ear, see how we feel on the day.

Oh and I have known loads of flaky people, they never ever unflake. If you point it out, she will just think you're being mean, and it won't make any difference to how she behaves.

She let you down last weekend and is now asking what's wrong? Surely she knows fine and is fishing for reassurance. Did she apologise properly after the event or did you just get the sorry, I'm sick text?

I would say she definitely has anxiety.
She's thinking she's up for it (genuinely wants to do it) and then at the last minute she's having a panic attack.

I agree it's not nice for you to have your plans messed up at the last minute, but I've experienced anxiety and it really is horrible.
I try to make myself do things, but on a bad day I struggle to leave the house.

What the op is proposing isn’t ghosting - she isn’t disappearing and will still see the friend, just not at one-on-one things.

Honesty is not always well received. I have to say that I may be in a minority but I’d prefer a friend of two years gently withdraw from me rather than tell me my faults to my face. Especially at the point at which they’d already decided not to spend time with me. And especially when I’d still be seeing them in groups. I’d be mortified. Friend saves face this way.

Friend does not need to be told, surely? We all know that being flakey or boring on about yourself or being bossy or any number of other friendship sins result in people not wanting to spend time with us.

Finally, confrontation is very unpleasant and difficult for many people. Op has already been jacked about by this friend and now has to put herself in the position of having to do something uncomfortable?

This isn’t an old or especially close friend. If it were me, I’d only go down the honesty route if she asked again and I could be reasonably sure she wouldn’t blow up.

I like this reply.

I think it would make any future meet ups, even in a group, super awkward if you say anything. Continue being friendly and polite but just don’t go on any more trips etc when it’s not a group thing. I have a friend like this, it got to the stage where I didn’t even tell my children they were invited over (her kids and mine were all close) as they’d get disappointed at the constant cancellations. After I’d had enough I just didn’t bother agreeing to any other social activities. We’re still friends, the kids are now grown up and I’ve never asked her why (she still does it with just me but I’m past caring as it’ll only be a coffee at mine or something so no big deal when she inevitably cancels.).

I would just talk to her as normal but just not make any plans with her at all unless others are always going. If she asks you directly about that I would think it’s would be fine for you to say you are worried about being let down at last minute as it has happened so often.
she probably has social anxiety - letting down last minute due to feeling sick makes me think that, but I still think it’s fair enough for you to not make plans with her.

Cancelling when you're already sat in the theatre was deliberate in my humble opinion. She did not want your sister to be able to avail of the tickets. She's a psycho. I wouldn't organise anything with her going forward and wouldn't give her the satisfaction of what she wants - which is to put you into a position of having to explain yourself. She knows why already.

Everyone has to cancel at the last minute sometimes but her constant flakiness shows that she does't value you or your time.

No need for a big fall out, just avoid organising anything with just you and her or if you do, assume she won't come so don't do anything that needs tickets etc.

I've done that with 2 friends. One drifted away but the other is still here. She's as flaky as ever but because I don't plan anything around her, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, I think I'd say something like, "Everything's fine. Always happy to see you etc but just don't have a lot of time for one on one stuff because it does tend to be cancelled and that's upsetting for me and the kids."

Of course, she probably has some excuse and will consider herself a victim, but at least you've laid it out there.

@Lolabear38
I had a friend as a teenager that was like this.
Drove me absolutely mad.
I often ended up going to gigs alone {or waste ticket} because of her behaviour.

I do really believe it's about ''Control'' on her part.
Very passive aggressive to continually let you down.

Don't make an arrangement with her again..It will make you fret all week ''Will she/won't she show''

It's such an arrogant way to carry on.

As temping as it is to let her know she's been flaky one too many times, I'd not bother. Sometimes it's not worth the hassle.

I agree - she could then start to argue back and even try to guilt trip you.

Just let it go, and as you are doing now, keep things courteous but brisk so that there isn't an atmosphere when you all meet together.

And always be busy if she suggests anything.

Her behaviour would massively irritate me too. I experienced this with a friend, in the same sort if scenario. I did eventually ask her, and discovered she was feeling overwhelmed with juggling work and homelife/ housework etc. At the time she worked part time, and I worked full time. I was setting aside precious time to spend with her and our kids, and despite her having more disposable time, this was the reason for her flaky behaviour. However she did get better, when she knew it bothered me.
I'm wondering how you woukd feel, if someone you knew and liked, withdrew from you, and you couldn't work out why. It's something to reflect on, moving forward. If you do have a conversation, you could frame it in terms of time being precious. Turn it round and ask her if she has a problem, express concern, whilst also saying you find it difficult on a personal level. I have to say I found it difficult, as if tge other party doesn't value your time and effort. Hope it all works out for the best

You don't owe her clarity, she hasn't given you any. I would also quietly take a step back. She has shown you her priorities, so listen to her. I can't stand it when people ask me what is wrong when they know full well they have acted like shit, it smarts of passive aggression. Nothing is wrong, you are justifiably pissed off with someone who can't be straight with you. Why should you repeatedly put up with this from her? I had a friend who was late, a lot, and I got fed up of sitting quietly and furiously waiting for her, while my children could see full well that I was fuming. I ended the relationship as I just couldn't be bothered to be that angry for someone who seemed like she just couldn't be bothered to show up when we had agreed. Life is too short for that.