To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

Why do so many people on here think it’s ok to just ignore and move on!
you’d all be the first to complain if you were ghosted!

Because her friend has shown her a lack of respect several times. If she cant respect OP why does she deserve it back?

Because her friend has shown her a lack of respect several times. If she cant respect OP why does she deserve it back?

Being a bigger knob isn't really a good look. Instigating a conversation is the sensible approach and clears the air. Ghosting builds resentment.

Because you don't lower your standards to get even.

Not telling her won't be any less awkward for you as part of the group you know.
She'll likely talk to others about it.

It really would be best to kindly say that she regularly cancels at the last minute so you think it's best to stick to group things.

Agree with this. Unless she lives next door to where you were going she knew long before 25 minutes she wouldn't make it.
I wouldn't say anything just see her only in the group. Does she flake on those meet ups or just you? It's also likely if you do anything she'll go to the rest of the group and create drama with you being a horrible person!

I wouldn't say anything because then it would be awkward for the DCs.
As you say, they can continue to see each other, but just stop any adult inclusive activity. She's not a real friend anyway or she wouldn't let you down so much, she's just your DCs friends DM .

OP to take all the kids out? So get treated rudely and offer a free childcare service in exchange?

I had a friend who was a bit like this, always late or changing plans. I managed it by inviting her but only to things where I was going anyway and her arrival time/whether she showed up didn't matter. I used to not tell the kids they were going and we would just 'bump into' them.

Another vote for the quiet step back. Not sure what telling her will actually achieve for you x

Drop her, not worth it. If she was sick, she knew that longer than 25 mins before.

You'd told her as well that the tickets could have gone to someone else. Selfish.

You don't owe her anything, do what's less stressful and upsetting for you. As you say, she might take the hump with you confronting her, but she can't actually fault you for "being busy" a lot.

If she were honest with herself, she probably knows why you are irked - I'm sure you're not the first person to be like this with her.

The thing is, surely she spent quite a bit of money on these tickets and her children were supposed to be going along, too. It seems fairly obvious to me there must be something more going on than her just being a bit flakey, for her to cancel commitments like this. She has, after all, wasted a lot of money and let her own children down, too - not something someone “just a bit flakey” would do, it’s actually quite extreme avoidance if she wasn’t really about to vomit.

I think I'd be honest as she has asked you what's wrong. "I'm just a bit sad that you cancelled last minute and that it's becoming a regular occurance. Is anything wrong?" Then let her explain what. However that's not to say I'd preserver with meeting up with her. I absolutely wouldnt. She could just be rude and your not her priority. You might just be plan b for her. Even if she was say depressed, if its not OK with you, its not OK.

I had a flakey friend. It turns out I was plan B. If she asks to meet up and arranges the date just say no its OK you know how busy her life is. Or you could say I'm going shopping on x day so if your town / sainsbury's on the same day we could meet there after. Your arranging your day around her snd she's not thinking of the impact on you. I told me friend that if she wanted to meet I'd be in town on x day so let me know if she could join me during x time. She never did. I bumped into her having coffee with her new mate!

I have a friend like this. I just don't bother inviting her anymore because she's let me down so many times. I have other friends who aren't flakey so I stick with them instead. She already clearly knows something is wrong so you're going to have to say something. I'm afraid I would be replying and telling her that she's let you down so many times that you just don't feel able to arrange things with her anymore until she's more settled and reliable because it's not fair to keep letting other people down. Her flakiness for whatever reason she does it is unfortunately not everyone else's problem. If she wants to end up isolated and uninvited then she's doing a good job achieving that outcome. Withdraw from any arrangements with her and just stick with the other group members you know are more reliable.

I had a similar situation in my NCT group when my DC was small.

After five years of being the organiser, and bring let down repeatedly and at the last minute by two particular members of the group I sent around a message saying I was stepping down as unofficial chief organiser.

I said we would love to keep in touch and would be delighted to attend any meet up organised by any other member of the group.

Immediate furious responses ensued 'we never let you down' ' I organised plenty of stuff' 'it's such a shame we'll lose the friendship of the group'.

I responded briefly with my reasoning, reiterated I had no intention of losing touch with anyone as I fully intended to commit to anything I didn't have to organise.

That was four years ago and I've never heard from any of them since. One acted the victim and slagged me off on their business social media page.

The moral of my story is, and as I've become older continues to be my motto, that if people can't put the energy into organising half and/or actually turning up when they agree to, it takes far too much of my time and energy to pursue a friendship.

Sorry, slightly on a tangent but just sharing my learnings!

I fail to understand why someone would be so cruelly honest in this scenario? Other than Mumsnetters wanting a bit of drama, that is. I suspect many of the claims on here that they would confront her are bullshit.

It won't fix the problem and the only result will be making her feel absolutely awful. Her flakiness could be caused by selfishness, or there could be a another, deeper issue, like depression or social anxiety. Be the bigger person and just let it go, the result is the same either way.

You'd be surprised. Some people really do waste their own money through flakiness alone. Either way it's perfectly reasonable that after being let down again and again by the same person even for things that wouldn't have cost them money, that she doesn't want to keep doing it anymore. Everyone has their limit with being consistently let down by the same person over and over.

Yes, I've done this with a flaky friend. In fact, I've got one coming for coffee today. Allegedly. I dont often make plans any more with her but I agree to a 'call in for coffee' plan because I wasn't going anywhere anyway so if she bails it makes no difference to me. I don't go and get some nice biscuits/cake anymore like I would have in the past. Because then I feel stupid when she let's me down. I've taken a big mental step back from her really.

I've just dropped a friend for this reason. She is lovely and I actually miss seeing her, and my DC miss hers but her flaky behaviour was selfish and rude. I now match her energy and effort, which is minimal and I don't often reply to her messages, or arrange to meet up but am polite and civil to her.

It happens. Just because you wouldn't waste money like this doesn't mean others wouldn't.

The options aren't just say nothing or confront someone.

There's a middle ground where you tell them you value their friendship and explain how you feel when they behave the way they do.

Just chat away if she chats to you but don't organise anything with her unless part of a group. I wouldn't even bother bringing up her always cancelling etc. She probably won't change, just phase her out.

I came on to the say the same thing. What's so hard about replying to one of her texts "I'm sorry but I really don't want to make any plans with you because you cancel too often"? It's not even face to face. Honestly, just disappearing is so immature and rude.