To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

I think SnowyPetal’s approach is the best.

An alternative is to be much more friendly, agree to a bunch of different things with her and then cancel by text 30 mins before the start. Perhaps starting each with “You’re probably not there but, just in case you have actually made it to this one, I’m afraid we can’t make as we’ve lost the cat/hurt our hair/been visited by great aunt Matilda/fallen down a worm hole.”

As someone else has said, if she’s asked you if something is wrong, you aren’t being as polite as you think you are. The problem with gently withdrawing is that it’s really difficult to do, you aren’t setting expectations and you don’t know how it’s perceived, which is a problem if the reason for not being more up front is that you’re concerned about repercussions in a wider group.

Its absolutely shitty and rude behaviour. No one can help being sick, but equally you very rarely only realise you are too sick to go out 25 minutes before youre meant to meet someone! She could have let you know on the same day in good time - even an hour or two before I bet you could have organsied for your sister to join you instead. I think this is an attention thing - she must be the main character, have everyone running after her, be in demand etc but she has the say whether she'll turn up or not. Just ssoooooo popular and in demnd dont you know! Cant stand it - but dont sink to her manipulative 'scatty' level - just as you say, quietly withdraw and dont make arrangements with her again. You know shes bound to let you down and more importantly, disappointyour kids. There are lots of great people out there to be friends with who dont mess you around like this.

I guess the OP can slip away in that she does not make one to one plans.

I have 2 flaky friends like this and by the time (with both) i decided to just quit quietly (lovely phrase!) it had been in one case decades of flakiness and the other about 4 years of flakiness. You get to the straw that broke the camel's back part of the scenario.

My teenage daughter is autistic and has adhd. She can't organise herself for shit and wouldn't get anywhere on time without me chasing her around. I'm trying to teach her to learn how to be better at it, because in the real world people will get fed up of waiting for her. She finds it indescribably hard though and it's difficult for others to understand. The thought of her growing up and her friends losing patience and drifting away until she has nobody absolutely breaks my heart. You just never know what's going on with people.

I'd just withdraw and tell her that you're busy but you'll see her at the next group thing. Yes you could be honest with her, but she already knows doesn't she. She just wants you to say it. The situation is of her own making. Ghost her and move on.

No you absolutely don't have to say anything. This is on her, not your behaviour and no need to drag yourself into a petty exchange- as it's likely to be - if you bring it up.

If she wants to meet again, then perhaps you could mention it. "DCs were pretty upset when you guys didn't turn up at the theatre, I don't want to do that to them again." but I'd personally go for the cowardly approach - you won't change her and you won't get any thanks for raising it.

It's a difficult one. Ideally being honest so she can learn from it seems better, but in reality it is more complicated than that. You do need to tread carefully if you don't want to cause issues in the wider group (although if she does this a lot presumably they are also affected so would know you aren't wrong) but I'd be more concerned about your son and his friend. Unless he is a teenager, presumably even child only playdates involve some level of permission / facilitation from the parents so i wouldn't risk a big fall out.

Also, this might not be the best occasion to pull her up on. If someone is genuinely sick it can come on suddenly and therefore last minute, and you really can risk a theatre visit in that situation, so although past behaviour gives you good reason to doubt her, it may sound unreasonable in this instance.

Could you maybe hint at it by replying you a fine, and how is she now, has she recovered from her illness on the weekend?

It may be a case of anxiety or something - at times when my mental health hasn't been so good I've definitely backed out of things with vague ailments (which have often been actually felt in a psychosomatic kind of way, especially stomach complaints!) but i wouldn't have done it for one to one meet ups, only groups.

I think I'd just avoid making any one to one plans unless its something you and the kids would be happy going to just you anyway.

Just be honest! It might give her a kick up the backside. Or she will continue to think it's OK to be like that. Does she cancel group stuff too?

You read one thread about autism and now you’re going round diagnosing people on the internet? Nothing about this post suggests the woman has autism, in fact, in my experience, quite the opposite. If I’ve made a plan, I’m sticking to it and letting someone down would cause me a lot of social anxiety.

I think yes, just ‘phase her out’ rather than confront her and risk a big fall out.

Definitely stop arranging stuff with just her and her children - it doesn't really matter why she is flaky, only that she is.

In theory you should have a friendly adult conversation where you explain the impact of her flakiness on your child. In practice, she would probably feel that you were blaming her for things outside her control, and it might stir up ill feeling among your friendship group, which is why people are hesitant to have these conversations.

I have friends like this. I like them but I don't invite them to anything anymore. Saves me a load of hassle.

Might be anxiety. She wants to meet hence the making plans but when it comes to it, it's just too much. Granted she should realise this is frustrating and change her ways.

Possibly neurodiverse.

But either way, you're not U to want to not make plans. Maybe you could wait till she initiates and make arrangements that don't cost.

As for calling out: one women I don't call out (her behaviour comes from entitlement and it won't get me anywhere). Two of my relatives I've said I won't be inviting anywhere again, if they change their mind and want to commit they're welcome.

By giving the cold shoulder you'll likely put yourself in a position within the group of creating tension even though you've done nothing wrong. You've now created another issue rather than approaching it.

Ask her if something's wrong. There may be. If not, you've at least tried to get to the bottom of it.

I personally can't handle unspoken issues which could be solved by simple communication.

Big girl pants on. Integrity. Dignity.

This ^^

Even if it is anxiety though people still can't just treat people like that. I have anxiety, its not as intense now I'm medicated and have had therapy but there are still situations I know become overwhelming so I make sure I don't commit to these, or that I am honest with friends about it.

I’d just be a grown up and tell her that you don’t want to make arrangements to meet as she cancels so often.

Yeah she may have autosm of adhd blah blah but your feelings still matter.

I wouldn’t just be cold on messages but not tell her why, that’s so teenage.

So many threads on here about people hurt & bewildered by the loss of a friendship where the other party repeatedly claims 'nothings wrong' when it is clear it is.
Sure you could lie to her, and keep on lying when you see her in a group.
Or figure out how to be truthful?
Our own plans haven't worked out so many times, dc finds it distressing and I think it's unreliable and a bit rude so let's keep it to group plans in future.

Me too.

I'd be honest. I find it hard to believe that she doesn't know already so she clearly needs it poiting out to her. Just tell her you are a bit fed up of being let down at the last minute all the time and how it upsets you all. Leave the ball in her court to apologise and make it up to you. I would emphasise the last minute bit, you'd suggested an opportunity for her to back out of the theatre but she waited till you were there. Whatever she's got going on she is very self centered.

I would say that you had to deal with disappointment from your dc at the last minute cancellation yet again. Explain as this happens regularly you had offered an ‘out’ but it was too late to offer tickets to someone at such a late stage. Did you pay for the tickets? Could there be a financial worry that prevents her coming along?
If that’s not the case, I’d just decline activities with just her again.
There is no point saying you’re fine when you aren’t.

This is what I would do

Could you take kids all out without her there? She probably has some sort of anxiety or the kids are hard to get out hence the last minute nature?

Or just tell her the truth?

Here's the thing with the 'you never know what people are going through' theory though. I struggle with people being flaky because I'm actually a bit socially anxious and awkward. I constantly have a little voice in my head telling me that nobody really likes me or wants to spend time with me. People bailing on me last minute just gives more power to that horrible little voice - 'see? They didn't really want to come, you didn't actually think they'd turn up and spend time with you did you? You loser'.

For my own protection I back away from people like this. I don't think I could handle confronting it head on but I wouldn't be making one to one plans with them any more.

She sounds self absorbed/lacking in empathy.

its hard not to be aware that pulling out at the last minute/not turning up is really rude and is messing other people around.

id be polite, but not arrange any meet ups with her. And if she asked, I’d just tell her you are busy. Because she knows exactly why you are annoyed, and thus she is game-playing. Don’t be drawn into that.