To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

It always makes me angry when people show such a lack of education and compassion around poor mental health.

That isn't what I am saying. I am just making the point that no one knows why this friend repeatedly cancels, and it makes me uncomfortable to assume it is about poor mental health. Because none of us know! That doesn't say anything at all about my compassion or education regarding mental illness, which is a whole other topic.

Would it not annoy you more if rude, selfish behaviour is always associated immediately with 'oh it must be mental health'?

Well if the friend is cancelling due to extreme anxiety or other mental illness, then surely OP not putting her under pressure by not extending any future social engagements is the kind thing to do.

@MichelleScarn That’s a good point.

She could be suffering from social anxiety.

Yes, no one knows either way and this is why it's a good idea to talk to her and find out. Come to a solution based on this information. If it's mental health, you don't have to put up with it but it would be reasonable to discuss a way to help her and help her help you

You clearly haven't RTFT nor understood it
Your last two posts are inflammatory and simply misguided, a big bluster of how much you claim to know,

You clearly haven't RTFT or perhaps not understood aspects of it nor if others responses.

Many people on here are highly educated.

But do continue... with your 'be kind but I won't be kind , Infact I'll be rude and ignorant to anyone disagreeing with my LOUD VOICE and "also wind your neck in" line of argument!

It’s happened so many times and the theatre trip was the straw that broke the camels back.

I think for some of us it takes so much for us to draw a line and say enough, when we are treated poorly. I don't think you need to tell her why you are pulling back - I doubt she'd change. She hasn't shown much consideration for you prior. As for all this "be kind" guff, I think sometimes you have to be kind to yourself.

This. She already knows you are upset, so your reasons for not wanting to tell her why (awkwardness etc) don’t hold water. I find it soooo annoying when people cancel, so totally understand not wanting to make future plans, but if she’s asked what’s wrong, I’d have the good grace to tell her.

Now wind your neck in, develop some emotional intelligence and empathy

Mmmm.

Oh, stop with your ridiculous hyperbole! 'Poor mental health' is never a carte blanche to be an arsehole!

I couldn't be arsed with her. The theatre thing was so incredibly rude!
YANBU.

So let's say OP does ask about reasons, and friend mentions anxiety/depression as the reason she informed OP a few minutes before curtain-up that she wouldn't be at the show - then what? She's expected to go forth and tolerate the behaviour with this new understanding? No - the outcome needs to be that OP stops suffering the effects of these last minute cancellations. I don't see any point in getting into reasons with her. The best thing to do all round is to 1) not proactively arrange anything going forward and 2) be unavailable when she suggests something 3) congratulate yourself on ceasing to be this friend's doormat.

thanks everyone. I’ve read most of these posts and been thinking a lot about the MH questions that have been asked.

As I said earlier in the post - I don’t know if she has MH/ anxiety issues. It doesn’t appear so to look at the rest of her life (the bits I see) but of course that doesn’t mean she doesn’t. The thing is, if I don’t know about any of these issues then should I be expected to just tolerate what’s been happening just in case? Of course I could ask her if there is something wrong (and I have done many times in the past when she’s cancelled, a reply to her messages with ‘everything ok?’ Which usually gets answered with for eg ‘fine just car issues’ etc) but the point at which I would have asked the question is after I’ve already been let down numerous times by her cancelling plans last minute. And, as others have said, mental health issues aren’t actually an excuse to behave in a certain way that repeatedly negatively affects others. To pre empt any ‘she doesn’t owe you an explanation about her MH’ answers, no - maybe not. But also I’m not a mind reader and so if I don’t know what’s going on I can’t react appropriately can I?

This is all of course if she is experiencing difficulties. She may not be and, shock horror, may actually just be a really flaky person without having mental health stuff going on.

I’ve had a similar thing with a mum of dd’s school friend. I was actually honest with her about why I was upset and in hindsight it probably wasn’t the best thing to do. She did not want to accept the situation and was indignant that I was behaving disproportionately. I was accused of ‘holding on the situation’ by essentially refusing to return to how things were before I decided to draw a line. It’s taken a year of pretty robotic responses or ignoring her requests for the DDs to spend time out of school for her to move on ….

Each to their own here in the comments. I do not like flaky either and would gladly let the relationship petter out and keep it to kids only. HOWEVER, without sounding like "everyone's mental health is important". I have seen a comment that totally resonates with me. I was that flakey person due to being in a very controlling relationship with my soon to be exH. I would make plans, then be told I could not / should not do it /made to feel terrible / fear of what was going to happen.

I was the one making lame excuses. I then basically cut my own ties with people (the swim mums, lunch play dates, days out with other mums plus our kids) as I could eventually not bear either committing to play dates etc, or turning people down as I knew what was going to happen. I was very isolated.

Not that I am suggesting this is the case for this woman. You just don't know. If it bothers you, I can see that it does and quite rightly so. Maybe not completely shut the door on this one, leave something there like others have suggested like just chatting at the gates.

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I should add, the first bold sentence is me, not the actual comment that I read in this thread. Before the morality police start picking apart my comments.

People don't repeatable make plans then pull out at the last minute without a reason. I suspect she may be suffering from depression (or perhaps ME/CFS), loves the idea of going out but finds it difficult when it actually comes to it. Be a good friend to her !

I have been a good friend - I’ve made plans to meet up with her many, many times and I’ve been let down by her many, many times. It’s taken a lot to get to this point, believe me. I’m not just talking about one or two times she’s cancelled plans. Often at the last minute. How about it works both ways and she be a good friend to me too?!

Sorry my last comment was in reply to this

I'm sure you have! I meant that if she is clinically depressed (that would be my guess from her behaviour) she will need understanding friends to be there with no expectations, rather than having her friends bail.

If she is struggling with clinical depression she won't be being a bad friend, but will likely find it very difficult to go out at all, much as she would want to, and intend to when she makes the plans... She won't be intentionally letting you down and will likely hate doing it.

I'm speaking from my own experience - I have been that flakey friend!

If you like her and your kids like her kids, don’t abandon the friendship. You can be friends without making plans. I have extreme reactions to socializing and often get myself in a tizzy over not wanting to go even though I like the people and enjoy being with them. Cutting her off would maybe limit her circle even more. But don’t ever buy tickets etc for events for her.

@Lolabear38 Maybe she has MH problems that contributed to her actions, maybe she doesn’t.

But you have to look after your own MH and your children’s MH first, by establishing healthy boundaries.