To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

I wouldn’t bother explaining. I’d say nothing wrong just balancing a bunch of stuff and then be perfectly pleasant and friendly but never commit to stuff with just her.

Fgs - let her know. You can do it without being rude and unpleasant.

I heard a new phrase recently ( on here)
Quietly quitting. I think this is a good example of a time to Quietly quit a friendship.
You haven't really known her that long, you don't really owe her a dramatic exit interview. Just be breezy and busy.
The problem with explaining things to her is it prolongs your entanglement and it is counterproductive if all you really want is to move away from the friendship.
If you say " no I don't want to meet up as you are flaky and keep cancelling on me"
She is extremely unlikely to say " ok, sorry about that, thanks for the feedback" and just leave it at that. It will be the beginning of more to-ing and fro-ing on the subject.
So it really depends on whether you want to get into it with her or not.

I had (have?) a friend who did this a LOT. Final straw for me was DS (who was 4 at the time) sobbing because he’d been looking forward to seeing his mate and we were getting our shoes on when she cancelled. I messaged her back saying DS was really disappointed and had actually cried. I genuinely think she was mortified about this.

We did arrange something else and when we arrived she said something like “oh Patchwork DS, have you been excited about today?” I said “he was when I told him, but to be fair I only let him know a few minutes ago”. I’d only told him we were meeting them when I parked up and saw her car. The reply wasn’t intended to be mean in any way, but she looked really shocked (which in turn surprised me) and I wonder if someone actually being honest with her has made her reflect a bit. We’ve been meeting up about once a month since and she’s only cancelled once (due to noro, so I’ll let her off).

Personally I think I’d be honest next time she wants to arrange something- you could always say DC have been sad about it so you’ll organise group things going forward just to cushion the blow if she needs to cancel for whatever reason?

id talk to her
I’m flakey, I make it agree to plans and often cancel last minute

i have severe anxiety. I never mean to mess people about, and I try my hardest to go, or at least give them a lot of notice.
But the way my anxiety presents js to give me the runs

so I’m fine, and then, I can’t leave the bathroom so I often end up saying I’m sick

could be something similar, could be a million other reasons.

But if it is something like anxiety ignoring her when she knows something is wrong will make it worse

Just be open with her
tell her it’s disappointing when she keeps cancelling

if you know what she’s dealing with there may be another option rather than just cutting her off

I have a friend like tuis. It's SO annoying. She's lovely, kind & a very old friend.

But the kids get very disappointed every time she flakes, because they want to see her kids.

She even suggested we all go on holiday one year to the same place in different houses & kept pissing us about re:meeting up.

It's sad, because we have all known each other for years. She does this type of thing to everyone though, so most of our group think there's some kind of issue with how her mind works.

It's like her indecisiveness overrides everything. It's not intended to be rude, but it sure as hell comes across that way!

Don't NOT tell her. That's bad, cowardly. Just say you can't, because she always lets you down last minute. Which is the truth.

She's really irresponsible, she doesn't deserve you as person, just minimize contacts with her.

It's tricky on the one hand it's better to say something and get it out in the open but on the other hand that could cause problems with wider group. I'd be tempted to do as you are doing keep things friendly but not pan stuff together anymore. If she's asking what's wrong tho you may be being a bit short with her. You may need to be a bit more gradual in your approach so be friendly on text but text less often/take longer to reply.

I wouldn't bother explaining tbh, likely she'll come up with an excuse as to why she does it. When all that matters, is its really fucking rude and shitty. If you think you're going to continually let people down, you should explain the reasons instead of just letting then down last minute.

I'd find it very two-faced to say 'no, nothing's wrong'. In fact that's an outright lie. Unfortunately it's a very cutural thing for us to do, avoid being honest at all costs. A slightly politer way of ghosting.

It's fair to tell her that she has cancelled a few times too many and it's upset the kids etc. It's not ok to pull out of something with 25 mins notice.

Maybe she actually does have something going on? Opens up an opportunity for her to share. Or not. But just quietly pulling away and being cold to her, especially if you are part of a group, just cause awkwardness for all for a looong time. A bit like seeing someone you went on a few dates on and then ghosted in a friendship group!

Saying nothing's wrong now, when she's asked, would be a direct lie. If this were me, I'd call her, or arrange to meet for a coffee, and tell her kindly but directly that her cancelling at the last minute has become a repeated pattern and that it's very disappointing for the children and frustrating for you, so you're finding yourself not wanting to do things with her any more. Then ask how she thinks you (the two of you) should go forward on it - if there's something going on she feels comfortable telling you or you can help her with, or whether she thinks a different approach to your meet-ups (not doing anything that needs pre-booking, only meeting up in a group, whatever) would be helpful. She'd have to be quite malicious and vindictive to twist an approach like that and cause drama over it, and in that case she'll have done you a favour by showing you who she is.

I’ve always been a fan of being honest and upfront but have found throughout life that not everybody responds well to it. And some people can get quite defensive or angry and vindictive.

You’ve known her for 2 years, how do you think she would respond if you were politely honest and upfront?

I do think that it was rude and inconsiderate to cancel with such short notice. Even if she was unwell she would have known earlier than that.

If this were me, I'd call her, or arrange to meet for a coffee, and tell her kindly but directly that her cancelling at the last minute has become a repeated pattern
You could try, but she'd probably cancel

I'd just say that you're hesitant to arrange anything just the 2 of you as she keeps cancelling but that you look forward to seeing her when the group meets up or something. If you don't say anything and act off you're more likely to ruin the friendship to be honest, but this way its up to her how she deals with the truth and it means you won't keep getting disappointed.

If she always cancels. Just say “nothing wrong, hope you’re feeling better. You’re welcome to pop over for a coffee after drop off on (insert day) and catch up, it’ll be nice to see you without the kids”.

Be nice. Be the better person. Rise above it all.

she might be cancelling because something bad is happening at home. She might be cancelling because she has depression (google this as a cause) or she just is completely oblivious that she does it (I HAD a friend who did this all the time).

She can definitely sense from your tone on messages (and her own conscience) that you’re annoyed. By sending one last overtly nice message then you’re safe in the knowledge you’ve always been the better person. It gives her one last chance to open up and you could say something over a coffee and see what she comes up with. Or she will cancel as per usual.

OR you can cancel and say “oh gosh sorry I forgot I have the dentist tomorrow, let’s catch up soon. Hope you’re well”.

I agree though. Just don’t organise anything she’s able to cancel on in the future. Problem solved. Very frustrating, I am no longer friends with someone for this and other reasons. It’s so annoying.

In my experience people like this do not take being confronted well. They get angry, go on the defensive and make it your problem. Only you will know how she is likely to react.

Personally I’m long done with this sort of shit. Whether it’s down to a basic lack of respect for me or anxiety issues, it’s a waste of my free time and I won’t entertain it. It’s not a big thing, I just stop making plans unless it’s a group thing or coming to my place where I’m not planning to do much anyway. Other than that; bolt.

It doesn’t sound like you like her very much. Carry on seeing her in a group, have her kids for play dates when you can pick up from school, but don’t book anything else.

I’d organise something and then cancel 5 mins before.
no I wouldn’t but I’d be tempted. Could you sort of turn it round and ask if she actually has a problem with you? Is that why she keeps cancelling? Is there a reason she is treating you like this because you’d rather know?
Chances are she will be horrified by this and you’ll get to the bottom of it. Going forwards I wouldn’t bother organising things with this person though.

Such bizarre responses. Why wouldn’t you be honest.

”hi friend, to be honest I’m disappointed that you cancelled at such short notice and have done on other occasions. Its upsetting to me as I look forward to spending time with you.”

Oh good thanks for reporting. I am fed up with it too.

This is exactly how I would manage it. @Lolabear38

The problem with the 'slipping away quietly' idea is that you're not actually slipping away anywhere. Your kids are still friends and you're in a group. This is just setting yourself up for awkward interractions going forward.

If you can't confront her, you need to put it behind you and stop sending short, passive aggressive messages and go back to normal with her.

Except never book anything for just the two of you ever again.

Just tell her. You don't have to do it confrontationally. You were all disappointed at the last minute flake and it seems to happen a lot, so you're reluctant to plan anything with her again. She can't fix the problem if she doesn't know what it is and effectively ghosting her isn't very nice imo. Be the bigger person and be straight with her.

I’m not keen on passive aggressive reactions being described as quietly withdrawing when it is actually quite obviously giving someone the cold shoulder. All those seething resentments and rude assumptions about the other person’s attitudes and motivations are clear for everyone to see, right at the surface, not hidden at all. Even if you don’t organise days out again with her at all, you don’t need to send perfunctory replies to her texts and pretend there’s nothing wrong when there obviously is.