To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

I agree there may be lots of reasons why she might cancel and they are all valid. But as the person being cancelled on those reasons don’t make it any less annoying and don’t mean that the OP has to repeatedly make plans only to have them cancelled at the last minute. I would just send a quick message saying the children were really disappointed to be cancelled on again. Following that only make plans where the children can’t be disappointed e.g a group outing, or just don’t tell them.

I would tell her and be honest about it so she at least has a chance to rectify her behaviour - just say, we keep making plans and you keep flaking and you often do it at the last minute, and I am tired of being let down constantly by you.

@Lolabear38 does she suffer from social anxiety?

Could you go down the ‘concerned’ route? It’s less confrontational and still lets her know what the issue is. So something like ‘is everything ok with you? I’ve noticed you cancel things a lot and I’m just wondered if all is well?’

At the same time as teaching your daughter to get organised, teach her to communicate about her issues with others. People have no way of knowing and will have plenty going on in their own lives. If a friend repeatedly flaked on me, I wouldn’t dream of approaching them with “do you have adhd?” But would expect them to volunteer the explanation and would be understanding and do what I could to make things easier for them.

I hate lateness and being disorganised.I’m neurodivergent and understand many people can struggle with this but it frustrates me to such a degree that I can’t tolerate it.

If someone found a part of my personality intolerable I’d prefer them be honest about it and I wouldn’t take offence, esp as there’s personality traits I can’t put up with either. It does depends on your friends personality though. Does she like honest relationships or prefer fake niceties?

I would say to her that you were upset at her cancelling in you last minute again and are worried there’s more to it and she doesn’t want to see you for some reason as it happens so often. Say that you’re not sure about making plans with her because it’s so upsetting for your kids to have them cancelled. Be non-confrontational but honest.

These are modern problems really, if we had just seen these people at the village fair or down the high street instead of making 1-1 arrangements we would have just accepted them as being fun when we saw them.

We now have to put in a lot of 1-1 work to socialise, which makes it annoying when people bail on us. Our time is more precious/limited and options greater.

I consciously decided there is space in my life for 'people I find good company but who can't be trusted with timekeeping'.

I also would not buy good biscuits for someone flaky, just in case!

The other options are not the OPs responsibility. She has been let down enough times now the friend should be upfront about why she’s flaky. Just as in your case the options are

1. tell friends when making plans that you might need to bail at the last minute as your anxiety can manifest itself at the last minute. Then you manage expectations and give people a choice. Or
2. dont make plans that you know are likely to make you anxious until you have completed therapy or similar to acquire coping mechanisms.

YANBU and I dropped a "friend" in similar circumstances. She flaked out on me so many times, was constantly late, never apologised, was just 100% unreliable. There's only so much you can take.

I just stopped making arrangements with her and found other people to liftshare with for kids' activities. If we bumped into each other in the street she'd say "oh me must do coffee sometime" and I'd agree, and then never arrange anything.

I know on these threads people always suggest that the flakey person might have ADHD or autism or whatever, and they're right. But if they are causing you stress and upset to the level where the friendship is just not worth it any more, I don't think the reason (if there is one) is relevant. There is no rule which says you have to keep on being friends with someone when you don't want to.

Be really kind but stick to your boundaries. If you feel you can, maybe have the conversation with her and give yourselves both the opportunity for honesty and openness. You could ask her for a coffee and tell her that you really enjoy her company and love hanging out but that being let down so often hurts your feelings and makes you feel anxious in the run up. I would say it's very likely that she's got something else going on that is causing this behaviour and it might be welcome relief to talk about it. If you really don't feel you can do that then, as others have said, only make group plans. Don't be short with her though, or frosty, it's passive aggressive and she doesn't deserve that. Treat her with absolute compassion whilst maintaining your boundaries. If you do decide to have an upfront conversation with her and she is at all aggressive or makes you feel bad in any way then fully withdraw from the friendship. I think it's worth finding out if she needs support before deciding she's an A hole.

There really are no arsehole people left in the world are there. They are all either autistic or have anxiety.

Someone should tell the NHS that there is no GP shortage. MN is full of people who can diagnose from 3 lines of text on the internet. Amazing stuff.

This sounds very fair, I'like to think I would text her this.

I would tell her why I was upset. Drives me batty if I'm expected to mind read what I've done wrong - can't do anything about it then.

I would explain why - I see no reason not to. I'd probably say something like

"I'm feeling frustrated about the frequency that you're cancelling on us - the reasons you've cancelled aren't unavoidable last minute things but are things you could have communicated with me about in advance. The fact you don't is frustrating because we organise ourselves around your committment, and you let us down at the last minute. I'd like to keep seeing you but I'm going to need to do it in a no/low committment way, but I won't be making any firm plans out and about with you for a while as you need more flexibility than I can offer". And I'd then think about what scenarios might work for you to still see her (if you want to), for example maybe if you're going somewhere she's welcome to organise her own tickets if she wants to come, or she's welcome to pop into yours if you're already at home anyway.

so true!

I'd be honest. If she's asking you what's wrong then why not say? Maybe it will help her to know this trait pisses people off, maybe it won't, maybe she'll give the real reason she cancels, maybe she won't.

I've had friends like this and I've stopped making plans with them or so what you were doing before such as only meeting in a group so it didn't matter if she didn't turn up.

Just say you and the kids were a bit disappointed she cancelled at the last minute and it has happened a few times so you're reluctant to make plans again like that but happy to carry on meeting up as part of the group.

If she was sick she'd have known she was sick more than 25 mins before as she'd have already had to get ready to go and my vet is she knew she wasn't going.

YANBU to not want to make arrangements just with her, but your passive aggressive withdrawal is not grown up behaviour.

Be friendly, but why can’t you be honest? If she suggests a meet uo
with just you and your kids say “I enjoy meeting up but you bail out so often I never know what’s going to happen”.

This suggests a kind and compassionate response; gently checking in to see how she is doing, and if there is a reason. Then go from there. :)

I would reply to her message saying you are disappointed your plans get cancelled regularly so will be taking a step back for the moment. Then that will be the end of it, she either bucks her ideas up or your friendship ends

I'd always have been on the side of honesty. But there was a thread on here recently where the OP was in the same position and said something (politely, about how she was disappointed) and the flaky friend completely blew up and accused her of n0t caring that she had so much on that her kids needed some downtime etc. Anyway in this case she isn't being honest with you about her reasons for cancelling so I don't think you owe her anything

But you’re not being nice, and you’re not being the better person. You’re facilitating someone’s else’s poor behaviour and they’ll just keep on doing it, and so damage other friendships. They may not even realise they keep doing it to you and would find it useful to be aware that other people are finding it a problem. None of us want other people to think badly of us, and if my behaviour was causing people I liked to avoid me I’d want to know. At least then I’d have a chance to explain or put it right or be a bit more thoughtful the next time. I’d hate for people to withdraw from me without knowing why.

I think you should be honest with her.

Assuming she actually turns up for coffee....

I think it depends on how close you are and how you think she'd respond to the truth. I've had similar with a friend who was always late (at least half an hour) on every occasion. Sometimes I would be sat in a pub or waiting for ages which would trigger my own anxiety. She would sort of apologise for her lateness but I never really got the impression she really thought about its impact on others. I did tell her how it made me feel, she has tried to improve but she is still late for everything, just not quite as late as before.
She has since had a diagnoses of adhd which she says explains her lateness. Well that's all very well for her but yet again it's all about her and her needs, but doesn't address how it makes other people feel when she consistently leaves them waiting for ages. I have had to take a step back from the friendship as i find she doesn't do my mental health any good I don't really miss it tbh!