To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

He's got no business being there.

YANBU OP but prepare for the onslaught.

No you're right this is bloody outrageous. What a wierdo! Why didn't the consultant throw him out?

Yanbu.

Some people literally can’t do anything alone. And if that’s the reason then that’s sad.

At least you got privacy and they were also suitably annoyed. I’d speak to the council as there may not actually be a rule but they then may enforce one.

Ridiculous. I'm amazed he wasn't asked to leave.

No need for him to be there at all.

What a controlling, cheeky bastard. Knows exactly what he was up to and how it would make women feel.

No, YANBU.

YANBU you should not have been hidden between 2 bookcases so that this man could be present.

Absolutely no reason for him to be there at all. He should have been asked to leave.

YANBU

I experienced this once. I didn’t go back. Desperately needed advice from the lactation consultant. But having to sit opposite a man squashed on a sofa put me off. He was staring too.

Yanbu. He and his wife weren’t thinking about the privacy of other women in the group.
But, if the consultant wasn’t happy about it why didn’t she say something? “Sorry Mr Bloke, it’s great that you want to support your wife but this session is for women only. I’d be happy to arrange a private session for the two of you”.

Totally inappropriate for him to be there. Jeeez can we have nothing to ourselves any more??

There was a thread exactly the same as this a couple of years ago and I remember it got very heated, with lots saying he shouldn't be there (rightly so IMO) and then people saying without their partner's support they couldn't attend.

The only good reason I saw tbh was that someone was disabled and non-mobile and needed their husband to be able to physically attend, but in those cases I think exceptions should be made on the breastfeeding group's end to see that person privately v having a man make numerous other women uncomfortable.

I attend a breastfeeding group weekly and it takes a lot for some women to work up the courage to come. If a man was sitting there I'm sure many would just turn round and leave again.

Whose DH would actually go!

Even if I begged DH (I wouldn't, obviously) there isn't a chance in hell he would come along to a breastfeeding clinic! Not because he was squeamish, but a man should know that women in that situation would feel vulnerable/uncomfortable.

Seems strange to me. Don't get me wrong I know partners can help with latching etc especially in the early days or if you're struggling. We were advised to record the midwife helping us get a good latch at the hospital so we could do it ourselves at home and so dh would be able to offer a different sight perspective etc. But I wouldn't have expected to see a male in that environment myself. I'm hoping the consultant had a quiet word at the end that it's for mum's only so they'll know for the next group she needs to come alone. Unless as you say there's a genuine reason such as disability or mobility issue.

@DobbyTheHouseElk That’s the problem isn’t it - they always bloody stare. They just can’t help it, even if they try not to.

I've never heard of a breastfeeding support group so I don't know really know the set up and expectations.

My initial thought, though, is that it's a good thing that this baby's father was in attendance to support his wife. I know that when my baby was struggling to latch on and feed, my husband was very involved and I would have wanted him at a breastfeeding support group (if such a thing existed), to get all the same information as I was getting and to be able to learn how to help me with positioning the baby, etc. At that point I could have cared less about who saw my boobs. I just wanted to be able to feed my baby.

If his partner needed his support to enable her to be there, they should have been the ones to retreat to the other room - not you.

Or if she had wanted the company of the other women, she should have found a female friend to support her.

My dh came with me. I wouldn't have been able to go otherwise. We had twins and I had bloody awful breastfeeding problems (almost had a breakdown) severe PND, babies losing huge amounts of weight. Really we should have just given up.on BF but EVERY single HCP I saw implied that I would be damaging my babies if I did that, which actually was the exact opposite of the case. I was in fact damaging them by continuing to force the issue.
He wasn't staring at anyone except me though and he asked the group whether anyone minded him attending when we arrived. Everyone said they didn't mind, and we sat off to the side.

Definitely not unreasonable! The bf group I went to even stated this on their leaflets! I remember being incredibly relieved by it as my partner at the time was incredibly controlling and I was able to get away from him for a couple of hours peace. I was always the first to arrive and last to leave. Would have been uncomfortable talking about my sore nipples in front of an unknown man.

It should be made clear that it is for the breastfeeding mothers only and that alternative arrangements can be made if the mother cannot attend alone.

Its different to a general parenting group.

Yanbu
I can't imagine any man in their right mind wanting to be there.

Definitely not unreasonable. He shouldn't have been there!