To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Like has been discussed hundreds of times already there are many ways a man can be supportive without getting in the middle of womens safe spaces making life harder for them. Do keep up!

Of course he was a creep, just as many of the most aggressive people insisting we just have a problem with men being anywhere we're previously banned posters or lactation fetishists .

Can your DH not write or lip read?
How did he manage before he met you?

Yes, new mothers are vulnerable but they still don't need to bring their male partners into the room with them!
Other vulnerable women DO NOT want someone else's husband sat next to them whilst being taught how to latch.

And even if you are literally the only person in this world who can communicate with your DH, you still wouldn’t be welcome to watch a group of other men having their prostates examined.

Having your husband help you attend group is not the same as your husband sitting in on the actual session. Of course my partner helped me get to group, he drove and helped me in and came back and helped me home again. Loads of women require this type of support. While in group session a volunteer helped me when I needed, such as with lifting baby and positioning which was difficult while I was recovering.

It's you thats not grasping that most breast feeding support groups begin as single sex spaces, women like yourself that insist on bringing your partners infiltrate these spaces and since your a "couple" it's harder for other women who are there alone to express their discomfort in case you kick off. 9 in 10 women who voted on this post would rather single sex. If you absolutely need your partner with you because you are not emotionally or physically ready then ask for a private sessions as a couple, until you are ready to join group on your own. Groups should 100% be catering for the majority to ensure as many struggling mums as possible get the help they need to continue. Majority of new mums aren't very confident with breast feeding, you hardly need telling that, and while you might overcome enough to breast feed in a group where men are included, a lot of women, especially first time mums, aren't, so instead they don't reach out or attend once they realise men will be there and struggle alone or give up altogether. Then we get moan posts on here about lack of support for breast feeding mums, reality is the small local supports such as groups are typically free, volunteer led groups that become monopolised by the needs of the minority cutting off the already limited resources breastfeeding mums have, keeping groups single sex means the group appeals to the needs of the majority.

Yes, new mothers are vulnerable but they still don't need to bring their male partners into the room with them!

Some clearly do.

We can stand up for and fight for single sex spaces without vilifying those women.

And again, I'll say that breastfeeding support groups are sadly becoming rarer and rarer. Fight for them, please!

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/crisis-in-bf/

I was in an all female changing room for baby swimming and a man walked in to support his stressed partner who struggled to change the baby by herself. I had my boobs out, hid them at lightening speed and also had a crying baby. Is this okay? According to the majority it isn't thankfully! OP clarified this was a woman's space, the couple are at fault for not considering others and not following the rules. Simples. Our boobs aren't here to be flashed to men when it's convenient for them. We'll do the consenting thanks.

No men belong in breastfeeding groups. They are to provide peer support. If a woman can't cope without her male partner, she needs to have support at home.

A group has to be women only.

I support both women (mostly individual support) and couples.

Single sex groups should be the norm, but there has to be provision for those women who need extra support to access. At very least, we could hold back from attacking them.

Those first couple of months we both lived and breathed baby

oh bugger is this where I went wrong? I just left my baby outside in the pram for a few months, assumed the local animals would look after him like in Jungle Book……

No one is saying there shouldn’t be support for those women who need their partners to support them, what women are saying very clearly is that breast feeding support for couples should be provided separately.

Yes they are. And to keep them going, they need to focus on providing them for the vast majority of women who want them single sex, not the small minority who want to bring their Nigel.

Plenty of people are attacking women for saying they needed their partners there.

I don't think that's right. They are attacking them for bringing them into what should be a safe space for women, a single sex group. Not for wanting their partners support.

Men don't need to be in breastfeeding groups, they don't breastfeed.

When I think of the work we do to try and support women and encourage them to seek support ...

There is no need to declare that if they want their male partner with them he is de facto a 'creep'! Or that there is something terribly wrong with a woman for wanting her partner with her. There are many reasons why a woman might need extra support to attend.

Men come to ante natal classes, too. Men are in wards. It's a balance.

I do understand both sides, believe me. I'm just asking we discuss without attacking.

Excellent news. The man was clearly in the wrong and like others I am fuming on your behalf. Glad this is being dealt with.

This man’s unwanted and unwarranted presence affected the group of mothers who were hoping to be supported in a secure and protected place.

I can scarcely believe some of you tried to justify this interloper’s presence. He was a creep. I don’t know what that says about his supporters…

Yes, precisely. In an ideal world we’d have space for both, but given the extreme rising costs of everything, and cuts to services everywhere, the focus has to be on saving these spaces for women. If we can’t afford everything, we have to save the funding for the actual breastfeeders, not the Nigels.

Women who need their Nigel will always have the option of Nigel getting off his bum and being proactive in googling and reading for information, and finding other ways to support – driving their partner there and waiting in the car, looking after the other kids, buying the last-minute pump/shields/pads/Lansinoh, taking on 100% of the household while their partner focuses on the feeding, phoning support lines for info, etc.

But there are provisions, these couples can request private sesions/consultation together, at least until mum is fit and ready to join group on her own... they choose to discount this option along with the comfort of their fellow struggling mums, and before you know it the group is full of men, because once one does it other new members think its normal or that partners are expected or now need to bring their partners to make them feel more confortable/less vulnerable in front of the other men. Then the mums who are too shy/embaressed/self conscious to feed in front of these men stop returning to group and instead have to find a new group or struggle alone or give up all together.

I'm not saying that groups should admit men.

I'm saying there should be provision for both, and if that's not possible, could we just refrain from impugning those women who need the extra support.

Men are in wards. It's a balance.
Men in wards is not universally popular for the same reasons. in an ideal world there would be wards where partners could stay and wards that were mothers only. If you search the topic there are lots of stories of men being noisy, staring, abusing his partner, using patient rather than visitor facilities....
The powers that be have clearly gone along with dads in wards to cover up the fact that staffing on post natal wards are inadequate rather than consider the effect on the patients who might have a better time recovering and sleep better when there are fewer people on the ward.

Absolutely, Peek. It's tricky.

YANBU
We used to get an occasional partner/Dh turn up at LLL meetings when I was breastfeeding. The leader of the meeting used to take them to one side speak to them, explaining that other mothers were still learning and wouldn't be comfortable breastfeeding in front of a male stranger, that we would make his wife comfortable and to come back at x time. Not one made a fuss or made their wife leave with them. It's not a place that he should have been in.