To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

You're not being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable and it seems like this should have been handled much better.

In the very early days with my son my husband came to the breastfeeding support group a couple of times. Firstly because I couldn't drive myself there, and secondly because it helped to have a second person there hearing the advice and so he could see positions that worked and help me at home.

The policy at the group I attended was that you waited outside until the breastfeeding expert was ready to see you, and they either came out to another room or they would set up a corner in the main room with the man's chair facing into a corner so that they could only see their partner. Everyone in the room knew they were coming in to that space. It never made me uncomfortable when I later attended alone and other people brought partners as I knew the setup but I can see it might upset some. It seemed like a good compromise.

How super supportive of you. Woman needs privacy, man gets priority, 😳

Seems every other woman at this group was fine with it, as the OP was the only one to kick up a fuss.

You have absolutely no idea what the other women in the group were fine with or not.

Having been a first time mother struggling to breast feed her baby I would have been very horrified to find a man sitting in a breastfeeding support group I was attending. But at the same time I doubt I would have "kicked up a fuss" as you put it. I would just have sat there feeling uncomfortable and probably not attended again.

Just because women keep quiet when confronted with a situation in which they are uncomfortable doesn't mean they're happy about it.

Women have been conditioned to keep their mouths shut in such situations.

Why does this man's desire to be at a breastfeeding group, for whatever reason, trump all the other women's comfort? It's crazy.

I've know many women who breastfed and I can assure you none of them would have been "fine" with a man being at such a group.

Yeah, loads of men breastfeed.

My husband came my first time as I was seriously off on another planet, and really needed the help and support - and for him to remember what was said so he could help at home.

My nearest female family member was a 2 hour drive away dealing with her terminally ill husband. I had no local friends having moved to the area when 8 months pregnant. And breast feeding clinics are during working hours. I can't expect friends to take late notice annual leave to come with me.

I needed my husbands help. So he came with me. I am 100% certain he didn't come to get his kicks from seeing other women feeding.

And given the OP says the lactation consultant wasn't happy I question where you got the men are welcome at that group idea from

It's also "their" first post!

A long time since I breastfed, but now I am suddenly remembering how my lactation consultant had to squeeze me and how much let down there was. DD was not a good feeder and I had to get my whole breast out much of the time. Only learnt to discreetly feed after a while. Really, why should women have to do this in front of a man?

Are you a man?

"He came to every vaccination? Can he not be left on his own or something?"

Gosh that's a sad wee line... is the bar for dad's that flipping low??? (Get it with the bf group thing but why shouldn't a dad go to their kids vaccinations...)

And, equally, you'd hope that some people would recognise that some women wouldn't feel comfortable attending without their husband. There should be give and take from both sides. Both are valid and no one is wrong. Hard and fast rules like many are demanding here don't benefit women at all - there needs to be compromise, like separate areas (which were provided here). I'd personally feel far more put off getting support by having to get my breasts out in front of stranger women without my husband there than by having to get my breasts out in front of women and men with my husband there - that's my personal comfort circle. Everyone's is different and a group like this should accommodate and balance everyone as best they can.

My husband took me to a breastfeeding group a good few years back as I was really struggling and he thought it would help. Once we arrived and I met the people he immediately left to go sit in the community centre next door with a few other dad's and the local priest so he didn't actually come in the room with the mums. I think it's odd a man wants to be there but I also expect probably he was supporting his wife/ girlfriend rather than doing anything dodgy. Maybe just a bit tactless. I would have expected the leader to let him know this was a women only space and ask him to wait outside.

What support are you referring to. Unless he is going to stand and hold your baby to your breast every feed, What is the need for him to be there. Yanbu op.

A dad going to their kids vaccinations doesn't involve women having to expose their body parts though does it

YANBU but what the chuff was the breastfeeding consultant doing asking you to go somewhere else for privacy? Wrong solution.

It's important that HCPs ask women about over attentive partners. Sometimes it can be concern for the woman and a wish to help - but not always. Sadly a common reason is when the partner perceives other men will be staring at his partners tits. The impact of their behaviour on other women being somewhat overlooked

Really?!

So the entire support group should only be about what YOU want, & all the other women wanting support would just have to suck up your DH's presence?

At that point I could have cared less about who saw my boobs.
Again - it's not all about YOU. Other women wouldn't want your DH staring at their boobs. I'm amazed that you can't see - even in your own hypothetical support group - how entitled your thinking is.

Doesn't matter what they are there for- it makes women feel uncomfortable as you can see on here. There is no need as they don't have the breasts so they can wait outside quite easily

I would be so traumatised by this .... I don't get why he couln't read the room and just take a "little" nip out after realising all the women were having their boobs on show!

Agreed.

You don’t have more of a day than the woman whose partner was there

You are in a minority, one that gets smaller and smaller year on year

You are delusional. You expect women to make way so that men can attend a breastfeeding group and expect a woman who doesn't want a man there not to attend.

Most women who are struggling with breastfeeding would prefer a woman only group.

Any woman who cannot access a woman only group without her husband should be seeking support elsewhere not the other women.

But carry on with your ranting to women who need single sex spaces for their dignity !

Did you see what I was replying to, or are you just a bit muddled?

Surely there can be a compromise, as pp suggested, where men can be in a separate room or area with their partners and the consultant. But the OP had to leave to get privacy. The man should have gone in between the bookshelves with his partner if she was so keen on him being there.

I don't think it's appropriate at all. It's not about him being an involved parent. It's about him entering a space when there is an expectation for women to be getting their tits out and feeling uncomfortable. It's like a dad going in the ladies changing rooms with his wife and daughter to be an "involved parent".