To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

YANBU. I can imagine DH taking me to the session for moral support, but he’d feel really uncomfortable staying!

I really think you should contact the organisers and complain he really doesn't have any bussiness being there and if the mum can't cope going alone then maybe she can bring a female friend with her.

And when I wanted my husband to be involved, we paid for someone to come to the house. Appreciate not everyone can afford to do that but I don't think attending a group for vulnerable postpartum women that involves them having to potentially expose their breasts is in any way suitable for a man.

If you want your husband to be involved, pay for it or take notes.

What are twin mums who don't have their own mothers around meant to do then?
In the very early days you literally can't handle 2 at once.

When I needed breastfeeding support my DH drove me to the childrens centre (I'd had a c section) and waited in the car til I was ready to leave. No way would he have come in and potentially made struggling new mothers feel uncomfortable while they were trying to breastfeed.

I'd feel self conscious if there were a lot of men/ non breastfeeders (e.g. female partners also) at a breastfeeding group. It's really only relevant to the ones who are actually breastfeeding.

However, I would not mind if there was one man at a group, if there was a good reason for it.

He might be there because his wife/ partner has severe anxiety or something. There might have been a discussion with the midwife/ group leader about it.

So I don't think it should be 'the norm' that men come along for the sake of it, but they should be able to make exceptions and allow men occasionally if it's for a good reason to support their partners.

As someone attending the group, I wouldn't question one man being there, I'd assume there was a good reason. I'd start to question it if everyone was bringing their partners.

Doesn't the midwife or health visitor team have someone who can come out to support? I can imagine that breastfeeding twins presents a unique set of challenges.

But I don't see why other women should be made uncomfortable in a group environment.

Not sure about this. My friend has twins and she managed fine. Her DH was away with work a lot of the time and only got two weeks of paternity leave.

Are all the other mums just supposed to suck it up because a dad is there ? Maybe a few support volunteers at the groups would be better than a dad.

That's an awful lot of whataboutery. Was that the woman's position?

IF that rare case happened, then at the very least it should be explained to the other women there. And the father definitely shouldn't stare.

No to that man. My DH was at the birth, that’s it. Everything else was medical / mum / baby related, for me. I suppose others are different...

He should have been refused entry.

It's not just about your experience though- it's a place where women are feeling vulnerable and having to expose their body. If your experience and need to be glued to your husband every moment of the day meant 6 other mums wouldn't go you think that's okay?

I think many on here forget MN runs ott with this type of thing, most women irl don’t give a shiny shit about who is at the BF groups!

OFGS of course they do. A man's place is not in a breastfeeding group. Women exclusively breastfeed.

If there's just one man and people usually come alone, I would assume he's there for a good reason and his partner/ wife needs him there.

@Handbagsandfabs But the group isn't for him. It's for breastfeeding women. And he is the one whose presence will make people uncomfortable, so he is the one who shouldn't be there. Not intending to argue about it, I just strongly believe men have no place somewhere with very recently post-partum women getting to grips with how their bodies have changed and needing support on latch, etc.

We have a twin mum at our group and her husband drops her off and gets her inside and seated then leaves and collects them at the end. There are plenty of pairs of hands to help out and hold babies when needed.

I don't think it's that rare that a mum with twins might want to attend a breastfeeding support group and need dad's help.

@Handbagsandfabs Is there a reason why you're so against women having a safe space?

I'm torn on this. I went to a breastfeeding support group when DD was 2wks as I was really struggling with her latch. But because I'd had a c-section my DH had to come with me, as I couldn't drive.

I had DH wait outside, so to not make anyone else uncomfortable - but the consultants were actually saying he'd be welcome and wish more partners came so they could help support their wives/the mums more

A woman.

Do we have no right to anything without men.

Until men can breastfeed they don't need to be there.

YANBU.
Ideally there should be more sessions available, some women only, some with male partner allowed.

I expect he was identifying as the mother that day. In which case, of course, you are being completely unreasonable and quite possibly, a fascist .

😬