To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Men are welcomed at this group! OP wants them not to be.

For one the average age on AIBU is 55-75, many on here won’t have even had their husbands in the delivery room let alone help support with BF!

Wtf did you pull that figure from @Handbagsandfabs ?so you really absolutely feel there is no situation a woman may feel very uncomfortable and be able to speak out about a male presence? What about a sexual assault /rape therapy group? All the women who feel uncomfortable there should just get on with it because someone feels they need their partner there? As long as they are happy right?

I'm ignoring Handbags as they seem overly invested in making OP feel bad, and allowing men in women's spaces.

The only reasonable objections raised here are around it being good that dads support breastfeeding. I'd argue the best way for a bloke to support BF is listening to and being sensitive to his partner and helping her. I don't think attending a group that supports mums to breastfeed is particularly part of that.
What can he learn there, that his partner can't tell him? She needs to drink more, to have time and space to focus, to be brought a drink/snack...

If he's the kind that doesn't believe it until he's heard someone else say it, then he's not the kind I'd want there anyway.

I think these things should aim to be shorter private 1 to 1s anyway and then both the women who go alone or the women who attend with their husbands can be supported.

I attended one of these sessions once in the early days when feeding really wasn’t working and I found having to flop my boob out and have a stranger manhandle it really degrading in front of a room full of randoms, even if they were women.

Even asking is not perfect: how many women who were there on their own would've had the courage to 'be rude' (not really but it would feel like it) & tell you both to leave?

For me it depends on the location. I went to a breastfeeding group that met in a department store cafe, men didn't seem out of place there and it wasn't as though we were hidden away. The man without a woman would have been bloody weird though.

If it was in an enclosed space that only had the breastfeeding group that would be different and I wouldn't expect men to be there.

If you do go back again, I’d very loudly ask the consultant to tell any men to please leave the space when women are being hands-on supported rather than you having to hide away. It’s ridiculous that he stayed and you moved away!

@Handbagsandfabs and what breastfeeding support does a man need?!

None - so he shouldn't have been there. The couple should have gone to a private space/room.

Women are allowed our own spaces - and if not when after giving birth/breast feeding then when?

@Handbagsandfabs is extremely and weirdly aggressive.

Yes, it shouldn't be about men/ women. It should be about breastfeeding mums/ non-feeding partners and friends.

Personally I would feel the same about an attendee who was not breast feeding, whether they were male or female. That is, slightly uncomfortable to have observers, if I thought they were there for no good reason.

I wouldn't care if they were there for a reason such as anxious mums needing extra support.

I think separate groups are best if there's budget for it. One for breastfeeders only... and one that can include partners/ supports.

I think DH came with me to something like this once because we were clueless and I was stressed and tired and unhappy and I needed his help. I remember realising afterwards that it probably wasn't okay and luckily it was one of those where rather than operating in a group environment it was more of an open clinic where you all sat around in the waiting room and then each woman got a private session with the specialist midwife. Nonetheless, if I'd gone back, I'd have left him at home.

The level of entitlement on this thread is astonishing. Why should all the other breastfeeding women have to suffer because a man wants/needs to be there?

What "normal" man would want to come? Watching women at their most vulnerable get their breasts out ....

Why did the consultant not ask him to leave?

There was another woman previously feeding openly who then wrapped herself in a pashmina and coat and angled herself so he couldn’t see her having a latch check….’sheesh’ indeed. So half of us were uncomfortable, 1 was his wife/gf and 1’s feelings were unknown. Oh, and the lactation consultant wasn’t happy either.

you seem really angrily invested in men watching me and swap my baby from tit to tit whilst letdown sprays everywhere as we work out her latch

Exactly. So weird.

@Anonymous48 if you would be comfortable with it, that's fine. But surely you can understand why some people wouldn't be

It's not a female only space though.

Handbagsandfabs
She was the only one confident enough to say something. That doesnt mean she was the only one with an issue. The leader of the group wasnt happy about it either.

Would you have been happy to bf in this situation? Particularly if you were a first time mum with a newborn? I absolutely wouldnt have been. Nobody I know would have either.

That doesn’t mean it’s ok for all women. A Muslim woman would be excluded if a male was present!

He came to every vaccination? Can he not be left on his own or something? Why does he need to go to a breastfeeding group? He is not breast feeding. He does not have breasts. Why does he need to make other women uncomfortable so he can feel included? I’m sure you could have filled him in on what you learnt when you got home or if you really couldn’t be separated for an hour then find a private consultant!

Horrid for all the women there and I bet lots of them were too scared to say anything. What weirdo man would do this?

I would have felt self conscious personally. But maybe his oh needed his support. The childrens centre should provide a separate room for partners to attend together.

As I said, there should be a separate group where men are welcome.

One group women only.
One group couples.
Hell, a group exclusively for the partners of breastfeeding women so they can talk about how best to support would be better !

As a twin mom who had a C sec do I get it, why couldn't the Dad drive the Mom, carry the twins in and wait elsewhere? Even if he keeps one twins and swaps them at the door?

If the issue like for yourself was PND so you needed in beside you, you should have been offered an alt provision that was suitable for you, not be expected to fit into the generic session where no one is going to tell the twin Mom she has to go home

Stop the world I want to get off 😂. A breastfeeding support group is not a female only space. Jesus wept.

That's terrible