To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

No men, ever, for any reason. If someone is unable to attend without their partner then arrangements should be made so that woman is supported outside of the group environment. No men, ever.

I think this is right. The men who push hardest to insinuate themselves into women's space are the men who really should be nowhere near them. Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ...

On one positive point, it restores faith a little to read how many posters here have husbands who wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.

There are many women who may need or want their male partner with them for many reasons. (Many of them are explaining their reasons on here, but it's personal, just as other women's reasons for wanting single sex should also be a personal decision that doesn't need explanation).

Single sex spaces are necessary and important and need to be provided and defended.

Please don't attack women who feel they also need the support of a male partner. If provision can be made for both, then more women are supported.

If provision can't be, as is clearly often the case, single sex spaces should come first and women shouldn't be exiled.

We already knew Nigel was a creep because he was watching everyone but glad it’s been confirmed

Sure, but there is no need to attack women who are asking for extra support.

I'm happy to attack women who want to foist their husbands on vulnerable women. One even claimed she "begged" her Nigel to go.

A woman may well have begged her partner to go. She may well have good reasons to do so.

You note that the women in the group are 'vulnerable' - most new mothers are vulnerable.

We can surely have compassion for all of them?

Argue for single sex spaces and I'll support you all the way - don't attack vulnerable women in order to do so. There's no need.

It's really down to support groups/bf clinics to be clear about who they will allow. You can't blame couples for going if both are welcome. Some people on here are so nasty about a mother and father attending a group that they're both welcome to attend.

They weren't both welcome. Read the OP's update. He wasn't supposed to be there but he decided he didn't care if he made women uncomfortable

As seen by many posts here, women are socialised to give way to men and not make a fuss. So even groups that don't allow men are infiltrated by oblivious couples. " No one objected so I am clearly welcome".

Yes, the responsibility is with those putting on the group. To be clear in their notices and wording and rules, to protect women's needs for spaces and/or support.

Also noting that in many areas b-fing support groups have been cut. Support your local group! They're invaluable and a great source of help and moral support.

Not attacking vulnerable women who want their partner with them. Attacking women who, some time on, can't see that their behaviour disenfranchised other women.

Well, I expect many on this thread feel attacked? And are subsequently angry. It's an emotive issue - understandable.

I'll support all women; no judgement, no attack.

OP well done for following up and speaking up. He is now well and truly known to staff and will hopefully be stopped in his tracks next time.

Plus it sounds like the centre has very much tried to cater for both parties - those who come with partners and those who want a single sex space and what a surprise, he's crossed that boundary.

Call me cynical but I can’t help but ascribe dodgy motives to these men. If you knew or even suspected your presence made others uncomfortable would you still go?! I certainly wouldn’t and would be mortified if I had.

We can surely have compassion for all of them?

No. I don't have compassion for women foisting their husbands on others. I don't support shitty, selfish acts just because the actor has a vagina.

Unfortunately supporting all women means supporting some clueless men ( am not even saying they are all perverts) Quelle surprise. Too much like "Be Kind" for me. Ends in excluding women.

I think the unawareness of boundaries is what's so noticeable.

Some creepy guys are just taking advantage. Nothing new there. That's one of the reasons single sex spaces matter.

Some guys are so self absorbed they just don't realise that other people neither know nor care what a great, genuinely, not at all creepy, guy they are.

Boundaries may look stuffy and old fashioned from some perspectives.
They are necessary for the safe functioning of society though.
It's a safeguarding thing.

Not a personal attack on any individual, just a basic drawing of boundaries.

herewego9 · Yesterday 14:19
What a controlling, cheeky bastard. Knows exactly what he was up to and how it would make women feel“

Possibly, though maybe his partner asked him to go?

(I don’t think it’s appropriate either but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s controlling, just tone deaf.)

No, you thinking that you should be allowed to trample over other women's boundaries because you feel entitled or as if your struggles are more important than the next woman's is what's childish here. Your husbands/partners/ friends etc. Just aren't necessary at a group session. Nobody is twisting your words or fabricating ... the response ratio of OPs original poll has sat at 11% "YABU" since yesterday despite the number of votes continuously increasing, so one could estimate that 9 out of 10 women want breast feeding support groups to be a single sex spaces. You are wrong for making those spaces uncomfortable for the majority and not giving a fuck so long as you get what you need.
BTW I would also argue you cannot manipulate another's viewpoint, as you've suggested, you can only offer a different perspective. You've clearly not considered the comfort of the majority of other women who are equally struggling & now you think I'm manipulative to ask you to do so.

My husband is very hands on and I had a few issues with my second which did impact my confidence. Also, he wanted to be involved so we went to baby swimming and baby massage classes etc together - with both our girls (who are now 19 and 13!)

He was amazing and supportive- but I can safely say a breast feeding group he’d be more happy to avoid - he wouldn’t want to make any other mother uncomfortable- it wouldn’t even cross his mind to enter a room without checking.

This included at baby swimming making sure the facilities provided ensured women didn’t feel uncomfortable and if they didn’t provide separate area he didn’t go :)

I can not believe that OP was taken to a different area rather than the couple asked to sit elsewhere. I suspect that the organisers of this group know that a woman is more likely to be agreeable to making adjustments for a man than vice versa.