To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Personally, my DH is absolutely the only reason I was able to breastfeed for as long as I chose to. He supported me 100% because it's never easy and he was great. Women almost constantly stop breastfeeding earlier than they'd like to because they feel unsupported. Maybe more women would feel supported in breastfeeding if the person they spend the majority of their time with and who is their main support provider weren't actively shunned, discouraged and insulted regarding this aspect of the parenting journey. It's not like he was a lone pervert with a camera - he was a parent of a breastfed infant at a breastfeeding clinic and you were offered a place to breastfeed away from him. Frankly, I wouldn't feel comfortable getting my breasts out in front of stranger women, but I don't demand that they aren't allowed in when I'm there - having an issue with dads being there is a pretty arbitrary distinction in my view. But, I will, of course, be torn to shreds by people who think men can't ever think of breastfeeding as anything other than an opportunity to ogle and that the women who benefit from their husband's support should suffer instead.

I do understand how you feel and that it's how you feel, and I'm sorry you feel that way. I just wish you didn't feel that way because I think that feeling, and the demands that stem from it, actually harm women in the long run.

Out of genuine curiosity, do you feel the same about women who aren't feeding (like a mother or sister there to support) so you think it should be nursers only? Or would you be uncomfortable with lesbians there because of the link with breasts and sexuality?

That doesn't really answer my question are all the other women to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable because a man is there?

@Handbagsandfabs how awkward and on the spot would that make someone being asked at the group with the man sat there? I like many women would have frozen on the spot mumbled I was okay with it then never went again. Maybe three or four others at the group would have too but that's okay as long as Steve gets his hour out to look at the womens boobs

I’d be surprised

bloke here, and very much in the camp of dads are equal parents etc

on this, no he should not have been there.

Really? The clues in the name. They are actually very helpful as I'm not sure if you are aware but breastfeeding can be difficult for a lot of women.
No Men do not have a right to be there. If he wants to help then he can research or get support privately. Going along to a group which is to support women to breastfeed is not appropriate for a man to attend. If that had been my group I would have asked him to leave. There would also have been no way that my husband would have attended, not that he would have wanted to as it would be strange and inappropriate.

I'd have called him a creepy pervert and told him he should leave. But I'm not English! Medical issues aside what sort of chap think a breast feeding group is a suitable outing for him. My husband (and my sons for that matter) would never have dreamed of going to something like this. They would have been sprinting for the exit if they somehow stumbled on such a group.

This exactly

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I needed to be glued to my husband every moment of the day. That's a bit of a stretch!

I assume that a breastfeeding support group is for women who are struggling with breastfeeding, is it not? One of the most important parts of that, in my opinion, is for the father to understand the difficulties and how he can help support successful breastfeeding.

That's an awful lot of whataboutery. Was that the woman's position?

Not really whataboutery at all. It was my own experience, along with severe PND and anxiety. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if I actually was diagnosed with PTSD due to the bloody awful breastfeeding experience we had. (My children were undoubtedly malnourished because of the gaslighting at every stage of healthcare that BF is the only acceptable way)
But he's a man, so fuck us right? Should have brought a woman. Except my DM died when I was a teenager and all my friends work

Absolutely not okay. The whole point is to get help with latching on and feeding and talking about your breasts and feeding and also like others have said possibly times where your breasts would be exposed. It's bad enough in the hospitals when the curtain gets opened and you see a guy just staring at you with your breasts out trying to feed.

Sure some people need extra help bring a friend and family member.

Can you imagine if a women went to a support group for guys who have erectile dysfunction..

Just wouldn't happen but again men can go anywhere they please.

No decent man would want to be there.

YANBU. This same situation happened to me when I really needed some help with bf issues. I didn't go back.

I used to be a peer supporter, we once or twice had male partners want to attend.

1 clearly thought it was just some kind of parent group and had tagged along with his wife and m new baby. Before we could approach them the reality dawned and offered to wait in the foyer.

1 attended with his wife who really was struggling and clearly wanted him to listen to all of the advice. We asked them to move to a part of the room and sat them with their backs to the group them afterwards said she was welcome to stay but asked him to wait in the foyer.

it was poor management of the group on the part of the people running it that he was allowed to stay and you had to move.

yeah i was having a real struggle with breastfeeding and found i wasn't getting anywhere with the drop in as it was going in and straight back out of my brain so by the time I got home I was back to square 1! I could have done with husband there to listen and take it in too - so we got a private lactation consultant to our house as he wouldn't have dared come to the drop in with all the other woman there

I always think in situations like this it seems like a control thing with these men

like when you see a man waiting on his wife at a nail salon or the hairdressers - I never understand it

What about all the people who have stated they'd feel just as uncomfortable around a female non-feeding person?

It’s actually sometimes a 🚩 in terms of abusive relationships if women aren’t allowed anywhere alone, for that reason alone it should be mandatory women only.

I feel the person running the group had the responsibility to explain to him that he couldn't come. But some professionals won't accept responsibility and want to avoid conflict. They prefer a group member to speak up, so they don't get portrayed as the 'baddie'.
Not quite the same, but I attended a parents' support group for school pupils who had mental health problems. It was definitely a support group for parents. One week a mother said she was going to bring her daughter along to the next session, as she felt she would benefit from it. I emailed the group facilitator later to say I didn't think that was at all appropriate, not least because the girl would have heard parents discussing highly confidential things about some of her fellow pupils. The facilitator told me I should wait until the girl showed up and then tell her she wasn't welcome. Ridiculous idea. I left the group and never returned.

What's even more weird is I got told to go to a breastfeeding support group and when I got there, there was a dad with his child who was breastfed (but very well established as the child was a toddler) and he was there without the mum. She was at work! Everyone seemed to think this was fine.

I don't think just being a woman gives you the authority. The woman who has brought her husband to the group is also... a woman... and there are other women who are OK with it.

Women are not unanimous in their views.

Completely agree, but unfortunately I can only see situations like this as becoming more prevalent. Women have so few rights nowadays!

I actually find this extremely upsetting that your consultant couldn’t even put women’s feelings over a man sitting in a car for an hour at a breastfeeding group.

my husband is an amazing, equal parent but knows that being equal and present should not extend to a BF group with mums who need help

@Handbagsandfabs not the minority though am I? Are you not reading the women on this threads view? Why are you so aggressively opposing these views?

Ok. But what about the collective comfort of all the women there? Still not as important as that man's need to be there?