To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Completely inappropriate and violating.
Probably against the council's safeguarding policy and illegal invasion of a single sex space under the equalities act.
He shouldshould not be allowed to return.

“I can’t go anywhere without my male partner for some bizarre reason so I insist that all the other women at the group should either strip in front of him or not come at all”.

Handbagsandfabs
"YABU your comfort also doesn’t matter more than hers"
So the comfort of one person matters over and above the comfort of ALL the other people in the room? Because its surely not just the op who was uncomfortable - but almost all the other women there.

With the comfortable womans chap looking at their boobs. What fun.

It's also a huge barrier to seeking help if you force people to go alone to places where they feel exposed and vulnerable. For that reason alone, it should be encouraged. Is your world always so black and white in your favour?

I had twins, struggled very badly and there was precious little support. No chance at all of anyone coming out to you. I still would never have dragged DH to a breastfeeding group and he would have felt extremely uncomfortable going, in fact I think he would have refused.

What possible reason would he have for being there, other than to perv?

Yanbu

In fairness it does sound, the more I'm thinking about it, like ideally a group should be run flexibly to allow for as many women to get the support as possible. So if that means having a split room where women with partners can sit off to a side so they're part of it without other women feeling so exposed, or having split sessions so you can choose to go to a male friendly one/women only one, then I think that's probably the best solution but that's really on the organisers to be considerate in that respect. I remember being asked some really personal questions during our antenatal classes by the midwife and feeling weird about it because there were some ohs there but tbh I'd much rather my dh was able to be involved than feeling like everything was once again left to me. It definitely helped him bond with our baby and he learnt loads and to be honest he retained some bits of info that I didn't that was really helpful. I think it's important for men to understand that bf is a challenge and very intense etc so they can support their partners but it just needs to be done in the right way but to be that falls to the consultant. We complain a lot about men not being involved and not stepping up to the plate and I think that can make us cynical of the ones that do like they must be doing it because they're controlling rather than because they are trying to be an involved dad. The set up for the groups needs to be improved on in that respect so I don't think either of you is bu.

@Mummbles Only speaking for myself here, but yes I stopped going to our breastfeeding support group for exactly this reason. One mum complained that it was discriminatory towards formula feeding mums to make it nursing mums only, so they opened to up to everyone and it became just another baby group. I had previously only gone because it was the only place I felt comfortable feeding in public.

I honestly think it's part of the reason I didn't breast feed beyond 2 weeks with my DS2 - it was a lifeline with DS1. They also made the breastfeeding consultant redundant but that's another kettle of fish.

Also in a situation where a guy goes and asks if the women there don't mind I imagine most would be like yeah it's fine because we are conditioned by society to just accept this.

These spaces should be women friendly spaces and as so many women have experienced sexual assault ect it's just not on for men to be in that space.

Ridiculous he was there. Sorry you felt so uncomfortable and I hope you were about to get enough support despite the obstacles.

The comments that your needs don’t matter more than yours or the other women’s are typical but stupid. They’re the ones expecting special treatment and should have asked for individual support which could include the husband rather than inconveniencing all the other women there.

Women are extremely well conditioned to put up and shut up, it’s good you didn’t. If a woman couldn’t attend because her religion wouldn’t allow it would that be okay? Or a survivor of abuse? Her needs don’t matter at all? Because some bloke wanted to tag along?

Twin mum here. One baby sat in a car seat whilst I held and fed the other. Or I always found that the consultants at these groups would happily help out if the other one needed more attention

I think you're missing the point entirely. It's great that your husband was so supportive but it doesn't mean that the OP should have to put up with a man being at a bf support group.

She didn't say it was a sexual thing she said the chap in question was staring (out of awkwardness, fascination who knows).

the obvious difference between a man being there and a woman being there (although to be honest I would argue it should be limited to breastfeeding mothers only) is that the man is not a woman and doesn't have his own breasts and isn't feeding a baby with them. When you're learning to feed you're leaky, swollen, maybe in pain, getting to grips with a new skill etc ie highly vulnerable. I also wouldn't have wanted a strange man to watch me learn to bf or see my breasts at that time. There's nothing the least bit unreasonable about it.

And at the end of the day the OP had to hide behind a bookcase to make a man feel comfortable in a space that is supposed to be designed to make her feel comfortable.

Then there should be private areas for the mum and supporter In this sort of scenario then the mum is getting her Bf support and the group are comfortable.

I've known lots of women to find it funny to talk about their husbands staring at them breastfeeding. Some men shouldn't be allowed out of the house let alone in a bf circle.

YANBU but the problem can be solved to everyone's satisfaction by him identifying as a woman for the duration of the session. 😳

Surely if they need help their partners can escort them there and come back when it's finishing time

Well, I never attended a breastfeeding clinic. However, my DH attended every antenatal appointment, every post-natal appointment, many parenting classes and parenting groups and my DCs vaccinations too. I'm pretty certain that he didn't do any of them because of anything to do with his penis - so, why would a breastfeeding clinic be any different? A man can't be an engaged parent or supportive husband without having an ulterior motive?

He should have been hidden between two bookcases not you.

If women want to attend with their partners there should be a separate group where men are welcomed.

How do you know the OP was the only one with an issue? I can't see where she mentions how anyone else in the group felt about it at all, am I missing that bit? Or are you assuming because the OP only talks about what she did?

Then why insist on banning men if you're going to force women and their supporter into a private area regardless? What the hell has been achieved with this ridiculous red tape?

I’m amazed you know the OP was the only one to have an issue @Handbagsandfabs I probably wouldn’t have said anything, I just wouldn’t have gone back. If you need a bloke to be there with you then it’s up to you to arrange that privately.

Well put! Husbands are perfectly capable of supporting breast feeding without needing access to female only spaces, it’s pretty nauseating how women are made to feel uncomfortable so a random bloke doesn’t feel excluded.