To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Not unreasonable, but say nothing.

Personally I didn’t split Christmas until we had kids, even though we had been together over a decade.
If she doesn’t mind going home alone and she’s not forcing your son to skip your Christmas every year then what’s the big deal?

YABU - Christmas shouldn't be about "turns" every other year it should be people doing what they want to and what works for them. If she wants to have every Christmas with her family, so be it.

If your DS is fine to come and spend it with you if he wants do and he does, and she doesn't mind going to hers alone - what's the issue?

No, you don't get to tell her where to spend Christmas.

Why should she be unhappy and not see her family for you?

Hmmm, I think I'd accept that as she has distant family the Xmas big get together trumps being at yours.
Do you have no one else to spend Xmas with?
Could you have a big day on Xmas Eve?
How far apart are the homes? Could they come first thing then move on?

Unless you voice that idea, then yes, YABU.
but based on what you have said about getting her family together, I wouldn’t bother bringing it up now, it’s too late. Leave it until next year

It’s a bit odd but I think you just have to accept it, unfortunately.

The idea of getting 'a turn' of people who would otherwise choose to not be with you is quite horrible actually.

Definitely YABU. It's between her and her husband to work out. Not your decision to get involved in.

We took Christmas in turns until we had kids, then we stopped going anywhere for Christmas. People were welcome to come to us over the christmas period if they wanted to but I really didn't want to replicate my childhood Christmases of leaving my presents at home to go on a tour of grandma and aunts houses, where we would have to sit politely, make small talk, and sleep on the floor.

Not suggesting she not see her family, and we do normally meet up around New Year, just occasionally it would be nice to have all my "family" including in laws, here for Xmas Day. Never had it.

YANBU. If I'm honest I would much prefer to spend Christmas with my parents than DH's and vice versa for him, but we take it in turns because we are adults and sometimes have to compromise. DIL sounds like a spoilt brat.

I agree. What kind of relationship do you have if you've never spent Christmas together

Do they have children? I never spent Christmas with my in laws pre children - we both just went to our respective families. I visited them on birthdays and other celebrations but at Christmas I wanted to be with my family.

I think if she has lots of family that is hard to get together then surely it's understandable she wants to see them all. You seem to see it as a slight on you, but presumably she just wants to see her family. Why is it so important she comes at Christmas, can't you do something and invite her before and after Christmas?

Given the choice I would always still go to my family for Christmas and interestingly my partner also prefers my family Christmas to his

As they haven’t by the sound of it got kids I think she’s sensible. This way they can both see their families and do what makes them happy

Not your business really, up to your son and DiL to decide how they want to spend Christmas.

YAB totally unreasonable.

Placing expectations on people at Xmas strips the meaning and enjoyment out of it. Nothing is worse than grudgingly going somewhere because "you're expected to".

We never saw my ex SIL at Christmas, DB was with us and she was with her parents and grandparents. A couple of years ago the grandparents died and she got £180k so she was sensible in her planning 😆

YANBU to want to spend Christmas with your DS and DDIL, but YABU to expect it. You have no entitlement to anyone's Christmas, however much you would like it.

If you would really just like to have a special day with them, pick another day and have your own Christmas then. If you did it in January you could even make use of the sales, and have an extravagant Christmas with all the trimmings, for far less. If you are doing this, also do something small, but different to mark the actual day. Then you won't feel like you're missing out on the day.

The fact that you have this expectation of her tells me a lot about why she might not want to come tbh....

She's a human being with her own wishes and needs, not your possession.

Are you my mother in law writing from 7 years in the future? 😁

I get on fine with my in laws but for various reasons would never choose to spend Christmas with them and always go to my parents. My husband is also free to do what he wants me he comes to my family's too which I do feel quite bad about.

So you live close enough that she could visit you for part of the day and her family for part of the day? This is what myself and my husband have always done but this only works because both families live near to each other.

A completely normal relationship.
What sort of comment is this anyway? It’s one day of the year. How does spending it apart make you less of a couple?

It’s much better for her to say in advance she will be with her family than be bullied into something she doesn’t want to do and then no doubt there would be a follow up mumsnet post complaining about how something went on the day.