To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

This

Why would you want her to be unhappy? How selfish.

DH and I did our own thing at Christmas (our own families) until we had kids. We just had a Christmas Day together on Boxing Day. Since kids we do our own Christmas at home on Christmas Day and see family Boxing Day/the 27th.

I think YABU unless there are kids involved that she takes with her every year. If no kids then I don’t see the problem, obviously they aren’t that bothered about spending the day together so if your DS still says he’s coming to you then just leave it at that.

If her family only get together once a year and live in different countries, it’s a big thing for her to miss out on. So I don’t think she’s totally unreasonable.

Its their relationship and being together doesn’t mean it has to all be split and be “fair”.

I do understand your perspective but I think this is really about you wanting to spend time with you son and she’s the conduit for that. Just have the discussion with him.

How often do you see your son and DIL throughout the year? And how often does she see her family throughout the year?
If you see them every week and she sees her family once a year then you're being very unreasonable.

Just let them do what they want. We don’t own our children.

It’s so bizarre that you think you should be allowed determine where a grown woman goes, and when.

Surprised by everyone saying YANBU. I think part of being a family is compromise - of course i'd rather spend xmas with my own family and DH his but its obvious that isnt fair! We take turns. We also have a family friend whose son has spent every xmas since he met his wife at his in laws. His mum is heartbroken that she never sees him for xmas any more - and yes of course you can still see each other around that time/for NY etc but it isn't the same.

@PinkiOcelot and what does your dh want though and if you had kids did they get a choice ?

We have never pressured any of them. And we normally do just pick another day. A couple of years ago we rented out a house by the sea for Xmas, plenty of warning, months in advance the idea being this would be the first full family Xmas. She dithered before announcing that, no, she would not be coming. DS did join us that year; but mostly I just say he can go to hers so as not to split them up over Xmas.

You're in the wrong here OP.

She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas.

Your OP suggests that he comes to you by himself every year.

Try to let go of the notion of "turns". Both of my children are married to partners with divorced parents so there are even more "turns" to factor in. Plus we all live in different countries so the covid restrictions have meant that the in-laws have had more than their fair share of "turns" for Christmas but so what?

Then there is all the "oh, but it might be granny's last Christmas" which has been going on for the last 10 years at least.

We just arrange things for another time and have a second Christmas.

I hope that neither of my children will ever feel obligated to come and spend time with us. They have their own children and their own lives and should do whatever they want to at Christmas.

Lovely that life is so clear cut.

Husband & I have never spend a Christmas together ! We will this year for the first time as we have a baby now! I wanted to spend the time with my family and he wanted to spend the time with his - didn't see any reason for one of us to miss out on doing what we want to do!

We took over hosting when we were in our 20s, so I find it quite bizarre when couples split for Christmas and head to their respective parents.
Presumably they only combine if/when they have kids which, as a couple without them, I find equally bizarre!

She has the right to prioritise herself over you and your DS at Christmas and any other day tbf. You have the right to think she is a selfish cow. I certainly would.

Not much help op, but it'd nice to see someone considering their DIL as family 😊 I've seen loads of threads I've over the years where the DIL is excluded because it's 'just for family'. - sorry that's not much help

I don't think you're unreasonable in theory but for me a lot depends how much time she gets with her own family normally. If they're often apart/abroad, then I see why she prioritizes them for Christmas and I'd do exactly the same. Especially if no kids. In those circs seeing you at New Year is a fair compromise/effort.

Side note MN is weirdly contrary sometimes. Lots of posts to OP implying it's possessive to want to host her DIL for Crimbo once in 16 years. A few weeks ago a DIL posted not wanting to host the MIL she hardly knows days after giving birth, and was annihilated on here. The MIL had other kids who could have hosted her, but evidently post-natal DIL had the most duty!

I really think context/logistics/relationships is key in these situations.

YANBU OP! Of course it's reasonable to feel sad. She is being selfish to never visit you for Christmas - and to force her husband to always be the one to choose between his wife and his family! It's her life and she can decide who to prioritise but you're allowed to be annoyed!

I also have a large overseas family who only sometimes can get together for Christmas and I'd be surprised if literally EVERYONE has made it every year for 16 YEARS. I'm sure there must be other adult children with in-laws. I'm sure she could have skipped some. Or seen them in August...

And if her family is in France presumably it's not that easy to "just see them on Boxing Day!"

There needs to ge compromise. Her mother has had her every year thus far.

The wording was unfortunate. What I meant was 'there have been occasions in the past", not every year in the past. He has spent quite a few Xmas Days with her family.

Yep same

I would also be happy to go by my self but partner isn't fussed.

Which is really the issue. The son doesn't want to see his parents and so why should the woman make herself miserable/unhappy just to make mother in law happily.

Now if sons really wanted wife there, most wives probably would occasionally attend . But they generally are not bothered where they go.

Wow. I was going to say I'm so sorry, OP, but these posts have taken the wind out of my sails..
You'd love to see your DS & DIL for ONE Christmas Day, obviously, reading the previous posts, I'm supposed to say how wicked of you.. :-0
#shocked

No there doesn't at all.
The DIL is an autonomous adult. She is not accountable to OP at all. There is no downside to how she spends her Chrstmas.

There doesn’t need to be a compromise, though. DIL is happy with her arrangement and doesn’t want to come to OP’s for Christmas. You can’t really compromise on that; she’s a human being, not something to chop in half and divvy up.