To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

ok I think. Certainly never seems to be any problem, and they meet up together other times in the year.

My brother and 2 BIL haven’t spent Christmas Day with their parents since they got married, they always spend it with the wives families.

we used to alternate until we had children and we then stayed at home until the evening and visited after dinner,, however due to BIL’s not visiting on Christmas Day we also need to do a Boxing Day in-laws visit or we wouldn’t get to see our nieces and nephews.

Unpleasantness on both sides mate, and my recollection is that you came in with a pretty horrible post from the off, so don’t whinge when I stand up for myself.

@maryanne3 the quote you took from TCournumberthree was perfectly nice and trying to be helpful and just a sarcastic reply. Perhaps you're not totally aware of how it can come across, and I understand maybe you feel under siege as it's a long thread. But the sarcasm made me start to question if this was real or a real dilemma for you because it's not coming across like you want to understand more about it or the DIL's point of view or other people's ways of looking at it or anything really. So it's not clear what this thread is. The sarcasm and cold tone about your DIL comes across, maybe unintentionally. Others tried to point it out and you pushed back, but I've also picked up a lot of resentment and not much warmth or reality in the way you speak about her. People pointing that out might be helpful (if this situation is real) because it might be that more resentment might be communicating itself to her than you realise, and if you care about that, it might be worth thinking about. Certainly there is pressurising going on, which I pointed out. You deny this, but the point is that it will feel like pressure from the other side. MAybe you don't care, but if you do care about not wanting to pressure, it could be useful to see how this might come across from another point of view.

Being more straightforward you could always just be direct. Say I'd love to have a full family christmas on the day one year. Do you think that might be possible, if not I'll shut up about it. And if they say yes, then you have a result, if they say actually X will always spend with family, but will see you other times, you can say fine, and at least you'll know where you are and can put the whole issue to bed.

Well I could see the contempt for your dil shining through your posts from the off.
And I'd be delighted if you stuck up for yourself by not doing two Christmases against your will.
But it's become very apparent that's not the reason you do it. Your whole thing is about control, that's why you are so focused on the one day and nasty to anyone who comes up with solutions.

I have done that, remember, house by the sea? My frustration comes with people coming on here with criticisms or “helpful” suggestions who have not read the thread, leading me to repeat myself ad nauseaum.

Yes that’s right. You’ve smashed it.

when the solutions are along the lines of “couldn’t you make a big family deal out of St. Swithin’s Day?” then yes.

"I have done that, remember, house by the sea? My frustration comes with people coming on here with criticisms or “helpful” suggestions who have not read the thread, leading me to repeat myself ad nauseaum."

You haven't been straightforward and asked directly to see if it would ever be possible. The house by the sea isn't direct, it's indirect and it is pressuring. If someone did that to me, for example, I would definitely find that a pressuring thing to do, particularly in a situation where it was clear I normally wanted to go elsewhere. It's indirect pressure and not just having the conversation.

I would only have the conversation though if you are willing to hear the answer. They are grown people and there's no obligation to go to anyone's at Christmas, only a societal pressure in some quarters.

If you are going be sarky to those who are trying to be helpful and it's because you're fed up with replying, maybe there is no point to the thread.

You have been given a mountain of solutions, explanations, personal interpretations of why your only solution you are rigidly sticking to is unworkable, unlikely and yes, unreasonable.

It's really telling in your responses to both those who have been blunt with you and those who are trying to be kind what type of person you really are.

If you are real. I'm not so sure you can be.

I said, I would really like to have one family Xmas with us all together. I could not have been more clear.

says the person named after a wizard from a children’s book

"I said, I would really like to have one family Xmas with us all together. I could not have been more clear."

Where's the question? And where's the answer?

Is it possible sometime? is different to "I want" "I've booked a cottage"

Oh burn.
What a razor wit.

It’s quite simple, if she wanted to come to you for Christmas she would.

Thanks.

Having read all the posts OP I still think you’re being completely reasonable - if she cared about your feelings and her DH, instead of them being split on Xmas day she could make an effort for just 1 year out of 16.

I’m an only child and my parents made it clear they didn’t expect to see me every year but my DHs youngest sister insisted on having my in-laws for every single Xmas, Easter, Mothers Day, Father’s Day, parent’s birthdays etc for years. None of the siblings ( who live locally) were ever invited or given an opportunity to host - it was all about her and what she wanted so I get your frustration and think your DIls actions are frankly, selfish.

What I learned from all this is your DIL is not going to change her behaviour over Xmas but you can change yours and it can be surprisingly empowering to shift the goalposts slightly and by doing so it may encourage your DS in particular to have a little think.

So, for example, instead of extending the usual invite to DS and DIL you could just make an assumption they’re not coming. Your other kids can come to you on Christmas Day- if DS wants a present he can come round and collect it but you don’t put yourself out by preparing lunch instead, offer a drink/nibbles. See how your feelings shift by not being treated like a doormat and then see what happens next Christmas.

Thank you for bothering to read the thread.

There is a lot of pressure on women, and especially mothers, at Christmas. Don’t heap any more on yourself or your darling DIL. I completely get the desire to have all your loved ones close and this is what you did growing up. But the world is a faster-paced and more logistically complex place than it once was. If I were you, I would consciously change your mindset so instead of being disappointed that some of the ones you love are not with you, be grateful for the family who do spend it with you. Do this really consciously in the build up. You’ll be amazed at how freeing it is.
The niggling disappointment regarding darling DIL will be obvious to your other guests and will make them feel uncomfortable. I would also be completely open with my other family and ask them about the kind of Christmas they would like rather than imposing your own traditions. We can be a bit matriarchal and a bit full on at Christmas and this might be something putting your darling DIL off. See what they would like to do to change things and make it more inclusive of everyone. This kind gesture may just be what it takes. Our Christmases change as we grow older. Our gratitude for who we have close and what we can still do becomes paramount. Don’t let your ideal of the perfect Christmas, smash the chance of a really good Christmas. I hope you and your family have a lovely day when it comes.

Yes, I get that, I really do. And that is pretty well what I have been doing for the last 16 years. I was only asking is it unreasonable to every so often expect that Xmas Day might be at mine for a change. This seems to have unleashed a tide of people saying “don’t put pressure on” (I don’t, I never have) and “why don’t you host another day?” (I do), or “don’t host another day, you are being martyr”. Anyway, I actually have to go in to work today. So calling it a day on this.

Then it's up to them. Your DIL doesn't seem to like you so I would just assume she won't come

Having read all the posts OP I still think you’re being completely reasonable - if she cared about your feelings and her DH, instead of them being split on Xmas day she could make an effort for just 1 year out of 16.

Again this works on the assumption that her DH actually wants her to come to OPs with him. But the only person we know doesn't find the current setup satisfactory is OP.

Conversation with MiL a few years ago....

"What are we doing for Christmas?"

"Well, I ain't cooking duckie!"

Never been hosted, could go to my mum's but she hates Christmas and my Bil asked us "when are you leaving" as we arrived the year we went to DSis. Dsis also moaned about the food we took there as being too plain.

After reading this thread, I'm planning to spend Christmas in my van, up a hill somewhere.

Either say you want her to come or don't but give up on expecting her to mind read...as I've said before on this thread, if you can't say to your DS something about this, they'll assume it's all ok.

"I was only asking is it unreasonable to every so often expect that Xmas Day might be at mine for a change."

But it is at yours. It's just your DIL goes to her parents. Your son comes to yours sometimes and sometimes not. So the only person not at yours every Christmas is one DIL and even she comes over the Christmas break at some point. Let her do what she wants to do. It's a strange over-focus on just one person. I think it is unreasonable that you want her to have to go to yours on Christmas day itself, not other days around even. You know that she wants to be with her immediate family and siblings. It does seem to be control thing on your side, because if you know she'd rather be with her immediate family why would you want her to not go and be with her siblings on that day just so she can go to yours? Why? You say consideration, but what other reason? Enjoy your christmas with the rest of your family and your son also when he goes. Seems to me like you see a lot of family at Christmas without obsessing over one in-law. There are loads of people who are alone at Christmas and others whose family are abroad or have difficult times so this seems very petty stuff to me.

Just a suggestion, I’m not saying that you’re being unreasonable at all they should have a Christmas with you.

As for Halloween we decorated had a bbq took the kids trick or treating then came back home and had a party and I hosted all my in laws.

Ultimately it’s your decision to raise the issues but by going what you’ve said before I don’t think it’s going to end well, you’ll either fall out with her or have a bad atmosphere on Christmas Day if she does come but doesn’t want to be there.

Good luck with it, and yes your DIL is being unreasonable for not wanting to spend even 1 Christmas with her husbands family especially if you say she spends Easter every year with her own also.