To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

How do you know her husband isn't the one enthusiastic about this?

If the DIL is already living in her husband's country I would say she has done her bit and can have her fun at Christmas

Does her family all gather Christmas Day? If it's a once a year thing where family from abroad travels of course they'd go there.

It's ridiculous huffing over who goes where anyway. You've got lots of alternative options- have a family get together a few days before or after Christmas Day.

My DB works most Christmas days and SIL takes DN to her family. So we have a meal, drinks, games, gifts etc Christmas Eve with them. It's a nice way to make it all a bit special without expectation on anyone (other than everyone bringing a dish or drink). It's unlikely we'll have a Christmas Day with everyone for a long time so that Christmas Eve is brilliant for us all... and no drama.

Poor OP has made the mistake of posting on MN while a MIL!

My sense is that this is a bone of contention between them, but she has just put her foot down. However, given that I have not made an issue of it, or even raised it with them, I have no idea what the politics of it is in their household.

Bit of an assumption there, just because they are married doesn't automatically mean they will have children. If they've been married 16 years and haven't had any...

I think you’re taking it way too personally op. I have no doubt that my in laws celebrate Christmas very differently
to my family. I imagine I’d find Christmas with them overwhelming. Equally I think they’d find it boring here 🤣. Doesn’t mean anyone’s Christmas is better-just different.

re you & your husband alternating years with families-times change. It’s a lot more common now not to do that. No doubt there will be any number of threads on here soon about people struggling with relatives over Christmas plans.

I’d just pick another day to be honest & focus on having a nice day with them 😒

YANBU. Turn about is the fair way to do it unless
there’s a good reason not to (like it being an elderly relative’s last Christmas).

However, as the MIL you aren’t entitled to an opinion (according to Mumsnet, only mothers of daughters can have those!), so I would advise staying quiet. At least you get to see your son over Christmas so I would be thankful
for that.

She's just doing what she wants to do. She's not trying to control anyone else, unlike you. They are adults, leave them alone.

if I was in your position OP I would go away. Get a cheap hotel in Spain or something and just enjoy being away. I bet there are loads of people on here caught up in Rotas that would love to have your freedom.

don’t worry when they have kids and you are still going away and they think you should be seeing the grandchildren you will also be in the wrong then. You can’t win so do what you want.

MN rule.
You are a MIL therefore you are unimportant and should be grateful for any crumbs that your DIL offers.

Errrr, how would you like it OP, if someone started telling you where you should or shouldn’t spend Christmas! It is just one day. Let it go….🙄

So your DS comes to you every Xmas and his wife goes to her family.

Whats the issue? Why should she be the one to compromise and come to your home for Xmas as your DS could easily go with her.

Wonder that the expectation will be once kids arrive?

So do it. Be fucked off at yourself. Say no and mean it.

She's not offering crumbs. They have an otherwise great relationship.

I don't get it, couldn't you just do a different date? Christmas is well known for being a made up date, so, does it really matter? If you attend church together and want a specific service then i guess she doesnt want to, but you seem to be describing just a meal at your house (with gifts)? You could do it all on a different date, as could her family.

No, you don't get "turns" at another person. What a bizarre notion.

We do a second Christmas with my MIL, she is fab but FIL is too unpleasant to spend time with so we don’t go there. Second Christmas is just a day before Christmas where she comes to us and we do a full Christmas Day. Then we just have Christmas Day with me, DH and DD.

I think the actual day doesn’t matter.

If it is what you want, you need to say
"I know it's early but we would love to be able to host everyone for next year".

You don't own her op.
She doesn't want to do Christmas at yours. And your son isn't exactly clamouring to spend it at yours if he only does it occasionally (out of duty or response to huffing no doubt)

It's not going to be a jolly atmosphere if she's forced there against her will is it.

We don't know you. You may be insufferable. You may be hard work.
We don't know her. She may find spending time with you exhausting (many of us mask to be neurotypical at in-laws and it causes riffs later behind closed doors) she may really value her family more than you do.

Quite frankly, she's entitled to have fun at Christmas and you do sound entitled as hell.

This exactly I hate this 'turns' thing. We did this pre children and it's so hard to shake off 3 DC later! Although we don't really do turns anymore the expectation is still there and I end up feeling like I've hurt people's feelings when we don't follow the 'order' (e.g christmas at home or seeing someone twice in a row). A habit I really wish we had never started in the first place!

Honestly, I would put my foot down.
Tell everyone that you will be spending Christmas in your own home from now on and they are welcome to join you if they like.

Life is too short.

Have you answered the question of how often DIL sees the family she gets to see at Christmas? I do think that is pretty important.

I do find it odd when a couple splits and goes off for Christmas with their respective families. It isn't something I've ever done. This will be the first Christmas in well over a decade I've gone to my Mum's house. She lives quite far away and for a long time I just wanted to do what I wanted to do.

I didn't enjoy going to my DP's mum's house. It just was so different to how I wanted to spend Christmas but I did go a few times. I wasn't that happy about it though.

I would avoid this at all costs. That would not be fun for me. Its great it works for you but that may be her idea of hell.

Christmas shouldn't be about "turns" every other year it should be people doing what they want to and what works for them.

This.

you said she comes at other times over the christmas period... why would you want someone to feel it's DUTY to visit you on christmas day? i'd feel horrible. you should feel horrible expecting DUTY to come over preference.