To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

I don't understand why you want a "turn" with someone that doesn't want to be there. Surely that would be completely miserable?
She's happy with her family. She's not forcing your son to go with her. I think you're in the wrong here. It would be different if she demanded they both go to her family every year. Leave her alone.

No one HAS to come to you ever... we never go to either parents houses we spend it together as our own nuclear family.

I frankly find adult squabbling about this stuff a bit pathetic and even more so when people go out of their way even though they will be miserable to to please other peoples sense of entitlement.

This sounds a lot like my ex-in laws.

I spent one Christmas with them, never again. It was the most miserable Christmas ever. And to top it off they lied to me about there being a Catholic church in the village because they knew I wouldn't come otherwise, or would at least have made arrangements to travel to a church. Instead I got there with no car and no one who would drive me, to find out that it was going to be a Christmas without Christ. And I desperately missed catching up with all my family. Never again.

Ex-h was welcome to come to my family, or go to his own without me, there really wasn't any pressure at all and I didn't mind. I'm very close to my family, he isn't particularly with his. And I had no problem visiting his family on other days. So why did it bother his family so much what I did on one day of the year?!

No, apologies if my post was misleading. He has been to her parents for Xmas quite a few times. We have always been quite relaxed about this, as we assumed that at some point there would come a Xmas when they would come to us. That has never happened. It is either them both there, or him here without her, and the rest of my family.

I agree about turns but to not have come in 16 years does smack of a lack of compromise and consideration of her relationship with her husband. Assuming your relationship is otherwise good.

I dont think you are unreasonable op, it must be really hard for your ds to have to choose where to go but as soon as you say you are a MIL on here you will be shot down regardless.

@maryanne3

'We have always been quite relaxed'

As opposed to what? you have zero say in it... you dont get to be relaxed about it or not because its not your decision to make and no one asked you.

I don’t think this is a situation where it needs to be fair. She should continue to be able to do what makes her happy without having to alternate in the name of fairness?

Presumably her and your son spend every day together so maybe they don’t mind being separate on this one day, I know you mentioned telling you son to spend it with her family so they aren’t split but maybe he doesn’t mind either. It might be one of those situations where because it’s important to you for everyone to be together, you assume it’s the same for him. If he’s happy to come alone I think enjoy that.

Yes, I did that a couple of years ago, house by the sea, the works. She still dobbed out of Xmas Day, joining us initially, then leaving on Xmas Eve.

maryanne3 ah apologies from me then.

It does seem rather unusual that she and your DS aren't coming to yours together. I dont agree on 'turns' however I have gone with my DH to his parents house for xmas and also his brothers. Its give and take and does seem odd that your DIL won't come to yours even when your DS is coming

Can I just ask why you care? I've just read through all of your posts and you don't seem to speak about her like you particularly like her. So what, you just want her there so you can say you've done the big family Christmas and had everyone there?

I’ve never been to my PILs for Christmas and never will do. It’s not hard on my DP, as he doesn’t want to go either. He occasionally feels he has to, though. I don’t. 🤷‍♀️

Do they have kids? If there were GCs in the mix then I would think it only reasonable that each set of GPS got to enjoy them being with them. But until then it's up to them. Sad for your son, but maybe it's a bigger deal for her family?

No, she can spend Christmas where she wants too. Stop making it awkward fgs.

I can see why it seems reasonable to expect a compromise with equal turns but nothing is ever really equal, is it? I spent years going to my in-laws for Christmas because it was important to them but the truth is I found it miserable. I sat around bored, eating food I didn’t like, while missing out on everything I loved with my family. My husband prefers spending time with my family now too.

People can become so obsessed with what they want and slotting people into their own Christmas Day and Christmas traditions that they don’t stop to consider whether their guests are actually enjoying themselves. If you want your DIL there, make it someplace she wants to be. Or simply celebrate together another time.

Hang on, so she does and has compromised! That’s a huge drip feed. You’ve made it sound like she totally boycotts!

OP, I think you're getting a hard time on here. Personally, I completely agree that a bit more give and take would be nice. And I have never understood the MN attitude that there's no obligation or need to accommodate other family members at christmas. This would make me think less of DIL personally.

However, unfortunately, I do agree with other posters that there's not a lot you can do. I would suggest that you agree an alternative day for Christmas and ask everyone to come for that. My mum was famous for decreeing that due to logistics Christmas would actually be on the 27th this year or whatever! Obviously, with small children there would have had to be a bit of flex, but overall, it worked well especially when we were all adults and with other people but didn't necessarily have children.

I didn't go to my in laws for Christmas for over a decade. It was only when I had my DS that we decided to alternate.

Frankly my DH preferred a quiet middle class Christmas with his parents and siblings and I preferred a busy, lively working class Christmas with my family. Are they from different backgrounds?

I have no regrets over choosing my family Christmas over spending time with DH. I saw him pretty much every day of the year during that decade and we aren't joined at the hip!

I am not sure I understand, why does he need your permission to go to in laws for Xmas? How old is your son? He doesn't not need your permission to go anywhere unless he is 12 .

I like her very much otherwise. Which is probably why it rankles. If I did not get on with her and enjoy her company I probably would not want her over for Xmas.

I think it's strange that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with her husband. DH is my family and my constant. Even before DS it was DH I primarily wanted to spend the day with. We alternate because we want to be together and recognise that both families are very important and loved.

The years where we have my ILs over on Xmas day, we go visit my fam on boxing Day and vice versa.

I can see why you're a bit sad about it OP. It's a shame she doesn't want to spend time at yours and basically forces your DS to choose between you every year.

I think Christmas evokes a lot of memories and ideas around what is a 'proper' Christmas. Different traditions etc. An awful lot going back to childhood.

For DDIL these traditions will be quite different from DS's traditions. That reconnection with family and traditions may be very important for DDIL especially if she is living elsewhere.

At the moment our DSIL likes to have his Christmas meal with his GPs as that is what he grew up with. Last year DD came to us for the meal and DSIL joined us later. Currently planning to do the same this year.

For us Christmas is a season rather than a day. We try to connect up with different parts of the family. We just don't try to do it all on one day.

it would be nice to have all my "family" including in laws, here for Xmas Day

Does it have to be at your house? Why don't you go to them?

He has been there for Xmas quite a lot actually. And this year I will probably say it is fine for him to go there (again) rather than be separated over Xmas.

Oh that's good of you. Here I was thinking he was a grown married man who can make his own decisions.