To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

It's sad. Of course in normal relationships and normal.families we consider others feelings. A hedonistic world where we all just please ourselves would not be a very nice world to live in. You're not being unreasonable at all; she is being a bit mean and selfish.

Could you not ge included in her family plans?

She wants to see her family on Christmas, the same as you do.

She's not forcing your son to go with her so I can't see that she's doing anything wrong.

Why should she have to spend Xmas day travelling to and fro if she doesn't want to?

She can spend her Xmas day how she wants.

How does she sound like a spoiled brat exactly?! No she doesn’t. She’s doing what she wants to do.

I’ve been with DH over 30 years. Never once been to the ILs for Christmas. I wanted to spend it with my family. I personally think having to do alternate years is ridiculous.

She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas

Well maybe her parents find it odd your son has never been to them for Xmas either 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's sad that your DIL doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with your DS (or vice versa). To my mind when you're a 'new' family you mostly move around as a family, so yes that would mean some element of alternating out of respect for their partner.
Not sure there's much you can do about it though.

Agreed. This thread encapsulates everything I hate about Xmas.

I wish I could opt out of the whole thing.

I think that is gross misinterpretation of what I posted. We get on very well normally, I absolutely do not see her as a "possession" and we do not have any expectations; I have said absolutely nothing to either of them at all about this. Just that in our early married years my husband and I were religious in dividing Xmas equally between both sets of in laws; just seems fair to me.

She’s considering the feelings of HER family though. Why should she prioritise the feelings of her MIL over her own mother?

I get the feeling the OP doesn’t even like her that much and it’s all just based on the entitlement and annoyance of the DIL not doing what is expected of her.

This is not your DIL isssue, but your son's. Your son is a grown up adult who can have a grown up adult conversation with his own wife about what they would like out of their own relationship.

Instead of bitching about the DIL, tell your son to speak up for himself!

Would you go to France to be part of their celebrations?

YANBU to want to spend Christmas with her. YABU to think your desire to spend Christmas with her should impact the decision she makes.

If I were you, honestly, I'd do a fake Christmas some time in December or January but that's because I don't care about the date specifically. We do this. My DM wants to see us at Christmas, we want to spend Christmas as a nuclear family unit. So, we go to hers for Christmas itself and on around the 27th/28th/29th we have Christmas at home and literally pretend it's the actual day of Christmas. Not sure how we'll handle it when DCs are old enough to know the difference but we'll get there when we get there.

Also, YABU to think it should alternate - it's SO shit when parents do that to their DCs. It means they can't ever have a Christmas alone, a Christmas abroad, a Christmas with friends etc without someone kicking off because it's "unfair". It also means that if someone's siblings are with their DPs on their "in-law year" then they never get Christmas with their siblings. It's just a horrible system in every way from everyone's perspective except the parents.

I'm confused, she goes to her parents and your son comes to you, and yet it's only her that you have an issue with? Isn't she behaving in exactly the same way as your son?

He has been there for Xmas quite a lot actually. And this year I will probably say it is fine for him to go there (again) rather than be separated over Xmas.

Not suggesting she not see her family, and we do normally meet up around New Year, just occasionally it would be nice to have all my "family" including in laws, here for Xmas Day. Never had it

If your DS comes to you each Christmas then clearly her parents have never had a Christmas with the entire family, including in laws, either. You’re asking for her to spend a day being resentful of you, your DS feeling awkward, and then missing out on other Christmases with your DS because he has to spend it with her family, despite clearly preferring to spend it with you.

I expect her family feel the same as your DS never goes there but prefers to come to you.

YABU I’m afraid OP, but I feel for you and do understand you feeling disappointed. Could you organise another day to have them around near christmas and have a nice meal and exchange gifts then?

YABU just make your own tradition with them as a couple - Christmas Eve cinema, Boxing Day brunch or something along those lines.

Plenty of time for all this when they have kids. It’s your DS’s fault if he’d rather spend Xmas with her family than with you, nothing to do with your DIL.

Been with husband for 20 years, spent one Christmas lunch together when we both had covid. I work every other year Christmas Day so if we took turns I would never been with my family.
On the year I'm off I see his parents on the morning (he stays there and I go to my parents for lunch) he comes up and then we go home.

It's one day of the year! I like to be festive the whole of December and make other days special with family as well

Taking turns is not something we have ever done. It's been decided every year since we got married almost 40 years ago on the basis of what options we have.

Our children are grown up now and are free to do exactly what they want - stay at their homes, come to us or go elsewhere. I genuinely dont mins as long as I get a decent amount of warning. I hated being tied to a routine, so give them the same freedom as I enjoyed.

Your thread title literally says "expect".

And your son has equally never spent Xmas with his in-laws. Is he wrong for doing that?

Also we have a child and she follows the same path as me so she sees both sets of grandparents x

I think it sounds as though DS would be happy to go to France 50% of the time but DIL wouldn't be happy to go OP's any of the time. I assume (perhaps incorrectly), that if DIL went to OP for Christmas then, another year, DS would go to France. OP would actually spend less time with her DS in the new arrangement but it would be a nicer time and DS would enjoy the time more.

Maybe pick a different day?

My DP and I have both made a point of not pressurising our adult offspring to come to us on Christmas Day. We do a quick survey of what works best for everyone then organise our festive dinner on a day that works. Last year it was boxing day, this year it is Christmas Eve. Everyone is happy and no one gets guilted into doing something they don't want to.

I don't feel it makes me a less favoured parent not to spend Christmas Day with my kids and they are really grateful they don't get pressurised to choose.