To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

He has been to hers for Xmas quite a lot; quite a few years I have said, that is fine, you go with her. I have two other children, who do alternate with families. I don't expect Xmas day with family every year. But once in a while would be nice.

@maryanne3 in our early married years my husband and I were religious in dividing Xmas equally between both sets of in laws; just seems fair to me.

So you made your own decision for your life, it was important for you to be together on Christmas and that was your choice.
Your son and DIL have made a different choice.

It is important to remember that fair doesn’t always mean equal.
For example we do to my family for longer every time because they live further and I see them more.
Due to a bereavement we will be with my husband’s family 3 years in a row.

Alternating for the sake of alternating when it’s not what you want to do is stupid and akin to martyrdom.

I agree, @SpookyMcGhoul. We are not going to see ds1 this Christmas, because he and his dw, and their baby are going to have their first Christmas as a family, since the baby was born. They have been together for a few years, and have either come to us or gone to her parents, but I have never seen this as ‘our turn’ or ‘their turn’.

We will miss ds1 and our dil and the baby, but what matters to us is that they have the Christmas they want. I know there will come a time when all three dses have families and if they all want to have their own family Christmases, we will accept that - whatever makes them happy is fine by me, and we wouldn’t dream of putting pressure on them to come to us.

Do they have kids, and do you see them much at other times? Just wondering if she prioritises her family at Christmas because she sees you more during the year

YANBU to want to see her.
YABU to expect a “turn every other year”

If her family are in France, Xmas may be the only opportunity she has to see them all year.

Me and my husband spend Christmas generally with my family because in all honesty it’s so much better.
We spent one christmas with in-laws and it was the worst christmas I’d had… There was no excitement, no music, no treat foods (just christmas dinner which wasn’t anything special) the men went to the pub whilst the women stayed home to cook dinner. I was gutted because my family make an effort to buy nice foods, christmas dinner is above and beyond a typical roast, games, laughing, music and we spend the day as a family and enjoying each others’ company.

I just cannot have another boring christmas when it means so much to me. Perhaps your DIL feels the same (without the comparison) that Christmas is so special to her she doesn’t want to miss it. At least she isn’t bothered about your son seeing you, that really would be unkind of her.

Yes she does. Her DH has compromised by visiting her parents numerous times over Christmas and she hasn't visited his once. They are a married couple not a pair of 18 year olds. What happens if they have kids? Will she still be so selfish?

You can’t insist and you can’t even complain to your son and DIL.

that doesn’t change the fact that it is unfair and your son and DiL are being unreasonable. Married couple need to balance visiting and celebrating with both families, but occasionally one spouse dominates.

Not true, he has been there quite a few times for Xmas Day.

MIL? Is that you? 🤣

Adult couples are not obliged to spend Christmas with either set of parents. The idea that the parents/ in-laws should get a “turn” is one of those ways of making Christmas an obligation and even a chore, and can suck the joy out of it if you’re not careful.
If your son and DIL are happy with this arrangement each year there’s no issue.

I do get where you are coming from.

I am basically the grinch and I only fake liking Christmas for the children (I’m deserve an oscar my 8 year old always says it’s my favourite time of year).

I have a 20 year old ds and I’ve often wondered if I would be hurt in your situation. It’s not really about Christmas. I always think that’s a red herring in these situations. It’s just a time of year where it’s become ingrained that you spend time with those speical to you. So to feel left out would hurt.

The thing is though, you can’t force people to spend time with you. In the end, it just pushes them away.

But she is a different person, and doesn’t have to behave the way you and your husband chose to behave. Why does Christmas need to be “fair” and why do you think it’s “fair” for your DIL to be unhappy every other year vs happy every year, as she is now?

She's an adult she can spend her Xmas where she wants.

Are there kids or will there be? Tbh I think adults should do as they please, I'd only aim for equality if there were kids but saying that we have MIL every year and never my Mom.
Are you spending it alone if DS doesn't come to you this year?
How far apart do you all live?

It's a bit sad that an adult chooses to spend Christmas with her family over her husband. Marriage is about compromise and joining families. Unless there's some massive back story, I can see the OP's POV.

YABU.

Her Christmas, her choice.

What they choose to do as a couple is nothing to do with you.

And he's choosing to spend it with his Mom over his wife.

@TomTraubertsBlues why can't you Opt out of the whole thing?

..I rather resent the implication that our family Xmas is so boring that they do not want to come! We always push the boat out with drinks, tasty food, games, music, walks, pubs etc.

What?! I've never spent Christmas with my in-laws, in 12 years of marriage. I don't think they've ever invited us - they're generally either with others in my husband's family, or at home having a very quiet frugal time, or sometimes abroad with their daughter and her family.

We still have a great relationship and enjoy spending time together.

We're all different, I suppose.

OP’s marriage might have been about joining families and she was happy to take turns. DIL might feel she married her husband, not his family.

This is what we plan to do. In fact when our eldest was a couple of months old at their first Xmas, we planned what we’d do the first Xmas none of the kids wanted to come home over Xmas… just so we were ready when it happens!