To think this is absolutely pathetic?

[VertAmon]

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable thinking this.

My family are big on family holidays, we go away often as a large group and also more immediate family too.

DD was born during COVID so hasn’t had a holiday yet at all, as I’ve been cautious about starting to travel again even after things opened up.

There is a resort in Spain that my mum and dad took me and my siblings to most years, we also went as a wider family (so grandparents, cousins etc.) and it’s recently been reopened after a long closure for a 4-5 year refit.

I met up with mum yesterday and mentioned I was interested in maybe going next summer with DH and DD and would her and her husband, his kids and grandkids etc. be interested in joining us, flights are cheap and the resort is reasonable too. Immediately her face lit up and said they’d love to, it will be nice to start new traditions at the same place with DD.

4 hours later I got a call from mum who said she had been thinking about it and would prefer to go somewhere else as she wants to go to another country next year. This was odd so I pushed and it turns out her husband is refusing to go, as he ‘doesn’t want to go anywhere that mum and my dad used to go together’

this isn’t the first time he has been weird like this about something similar, but AIBU in thinking this is absolutely pathetic, and even a little bit controlling?

I’m actually in your stepdad’s position here - my DP and his ex wife have a place where they’d visit every year for their holidays and even considered relocating to at one point.

I absolutely do not want to trip down memory lane with him, have no desire to hear about how ‘we went here, did this, did that’ and see no value in trying to recreate or ‘compete’ against memories of their times there together - so I wouldn’t go.

Wouldn’t stop him from going without me, of course, but would rather not have the ghost of relationship past on our precious holidays together 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree with these that it sounds like you don't like the guy anyway and are looking for further reasons to vilify him. It clearly looks like you're just posting to confirm your beliefs about the bloke and not get genuine perspective on what's going on.

As a second wife, I understand where he's coming from. I wouldn't want to go somewhere my husband had likely shagged his ex many, many times. Just because you were there as a family doesn't mean they didn't have "romantic" times there. The thought of that sounds a bit eww to me.

Have your holiday where you want, but you may want to keep in mind that your mum clearly cares about him and his feelings, so by acting this way towards him you may be pushing her away as well. I know if I was in her situation I'd definitely not want to go on holiday somewhere once I found out it would potentially cause emotional anguish to my husband. You would come off as a bit callous to me.

Personally I wouldn't want to revisit all the haunts my husband and his ex went to either. Please don't make your Mum piggy in the middle, you go with your husband to the old resort and try somewhere new with your Mum

Meh, maybe a little but it's something he's uncomfortable so your mother is respecting that 💁is it that big of a deal to pick another resort? There's so many to choose from?

I second this. Perhaps the new husband doesn't want to be seen as overwriting previous memories and instead wants to create new ones.

If it was just a place you'd been to once as a family when you were a kid which you just remembered liking, then thats one thing.

But I compltely understand how a new partner would not want to holiday at a resort where frequent previous family holidays took place. It is absolutely a trip down memory lane for you and your mother and siblings OP. Thats why you have chosen it. Because you have such fond memories of it as a child. And you've even mentioned looking forward to visit the restaurant you 'always ate at'.
Thats fine for you, and lovely you have those memories and want your dd to have the same.

His saying he isn't comfortable with it though and your mum realising this and asking if you can go to another resort is not in the least bit unreasonable. You don't have to change your plans, just go without them. But I think its a bit rubbish of you not even trying to consider and understand their view on this, and calling your dms partner pathetic, when its been blatently pointed out to you the reason why.

If this holiday resort means so much to you, that you won't consider looking elsewhere to go as a group, then simply go there without them.

The fact is IS so important, kind of proves the guys point.

I wouldn't like it either.

For everyone defending him….your parents are divorced. It’s totally unreasonable and childish to deny your wife a family holiday because she went there with her ex husband (who is also the father of her children!). I’ve known someone like this and believe me, it won’t just be this that he’s being childish over. If a woman has children with another man, shock horror, she will have lived a life with him and had sex with him and gone on holiday with him! You’d think a grown man, who no doubt had previous relationships of his own, would be a bit more adult about all of this.

But he's not denying her a holiday, he's just saying he wants to go somewhere else.

I can see his point tbh. He doesn't have to go and tbh your mum can still join you or you can go alone or you can go where they want to go.

He wants to go somewhere else because it was somewhere she went on holiday with her ex husband and family. I’d say that’s a big red flag of insecurity from a man who I’m imagining must be at least 50+ if not 60+. It’s not like her mum is going to start reminiscing about all the sex she had with her ex husband whilst they’re there? And if they reminisce about previous family holidays then I think that goes with the territory of being with a woman who has children and has lived a life before knowing you. By not visiting this destination it’s not going to change the fact that she was married to someone else and had a life before she knew him. Why not make new memories with him in this clearly much loved destination? Surely that’s better than shrouding it in negative emotions.

They broke up 15 years ago so he is being silly. But I'd look at the bigger picture. Clearly mum wont go so she doesnt rock the boat which is isolating for her. And she wont feel able to speak up to you again if she has been put in a hard place.

I dont know what the answer is but I'd look at whether it is better to be seen to "give in" to him or keep mum in the family circle.

You said he is an arse in other ways. How did that play out? Is she generally more withdrawn since meeting him?

I'd say you have little experience of second marriages. It's NEVER about sex (you keep mentioning sex in your posts) and a lot more about a million other reasons why you wouldn't want to go to a holiday destination that your spouse shared with their former spouse.

If he’s not a controlling abuser, which you’ve already said he’s not, then your mother is the one who has chosen to not go so as to save the feelings of her husband. Feelings that reading all the comments on here don’t seem to be that unusual or unreasonable. Maybe just respect the fact that they support each other emotionally.

I went to Greece with my husband in 19, where I had been many a time with my ex boyfriend, who was actually Greek, and told him I wanted to make new memories with HIM. And now when I think of the place it is with my husband and daughter in it. But then my husband wasnt an insecure idiot...

I’ve flicked through (too many long comments for me lol), and you have come across as confrontational and a bit obtuse, however I have seen you take on board some other pov so fair play.

At the end of the day, you she and her are all adults and life requires some compromises.

And if none of you will compromise on the details then you’ll just need to crack and and try not to let it fester.

It’s a holiday, not a wedding 🤷‍♀️

Ive got first hand experience of a relationship after a marriage so I do have a pretty good idea about what I’m talking about. So yes I agree, sex isn’t the be all and end all that’s true. But what I’m getting at is that to me is strikes me as an immaturity on his part, particularly for a man of his age who must have at least one or two former relatives his under his belt, that he cannot separate this holiday destination from his wife’s ex husband. I think this is particularly immature when it is his wife’s child that is suggesting the holiday and actively wanting to include him. Relationships come and go but when you have had children with someone you cannot and should not erase the past. You can acknowledge the past and make new memories without having to avoid all contact with the places and people you visited with your ex-partner.

Great reason to make new memories then 🤷‍♀️

Men with confidence issues like this sound like a big fat 🚩to me. I agree, it sounds pretty pathetic.

@MummyJ36 I'm a second wife and my husband and I DELIBERATELY choose places we haven't been with anyone else, it's not insecurity or jealousy, it's being considerate of other people's feelings. Besides I don't particularly WANT to be thinking of my ex when I'm there with my husband so why would I revisit a place where I would naturally think of him?

It’s fine if that’s what you want to do, but in this example it’s the child (albeit adult child) who wants to return to a destination she visited as a family and the stepdad is saying he won’t go as that’s where OP’s mum went with her dad. In this example, and any example where kids are involved, I’d say ego needs to be sucked up a bit. What you do as a couple is always a couples prerogative but when it is at the expense of family holidays I question why a grown man can’t suck it up and consider it an opportunity to make new memories. It’s not like OP’s dad is also joining them!

@MummyJ36 the "child" is a grown woman! She could easily go to this destination with her own kids and relive her childhood. Her poor Mum really can't win, talk about piggy in the middle

Not wanting to go somewhere you'd been once I might find a bit pathetic. But not wanting to go somewhere you went regularly, and staying in the exact same place seems fair enough. The holiday would undoubtedly become a lot of reminiscing and about things that happened or how the place has changed. I'm not sure how much fun that would be for the new partner.

Clearly you don't have step children and so have no idea how it feels. The mum is, as said, piggy in the middle.

Tell your mum to come with out him, he's being pathetic. X

He’s your mum’s DH. But isn’t your stepfather? I’m confused. Or is this because you refuse to give him the title of step father even though he is? If so, is it an example of one of the ways in which you and your siblings make him feel most welcomed into your family?