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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is absolutely pathetic?

213 replies

VertAmon · 06/11/2022 14:52

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable thinking this.

My family are big on family holidays, we go away often as a large group and also more immediate family too.

DD was born during COVID so hasn’t had a holiday yet at all, as I’ve been cautious about starting to travel again even after things opened up.

There is a resort in Spain that my mum and dad took me and my siblings to most years, we also went as a wider family (so grandparents, cousins etc.) and it’s recently been reopened after a long closure for a 4-5 year refit.

I met up with mum yesterday and mentioned I was interested in maybe going next summer with DH and DD and would her and her husband, his kids and grandkids etc. be interested in joining us, flights are cheap and the resort is reasonable too. Immediately her face lit up and said they’d love to, it will be nice to start new traditions at the same place with DD.

4 hours later I got a call from mum who said she had been thinking about it and would prefer to go somewhere else as she wants to go to another country next year. This was odd so I pushed and it turns out her husband is refusing to go, as he ‘doesn’t want to go anywhere that mum and my dad used to go together’

this isn’t the first time he has been weird like this about something similar, but AIBU in thinking this is absolutely pathetic, and even a little bit controlling?

OP posts:
BankyWollocks · 07/11/2022 19:34

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 07/11/2022 18:57

I'm surprised at many of these replies - I think her partner is being a big baby to block any holidays to a place she has happy memories of. Avoiding the place won't make the memories and past history disappear, so he might as well lean in and become part of its story as well rather than effectively taking it away from his partner.

Actually , that's a good point . I still wouldn't agree to go if it were me but I can see your logic @IScreamAtMichaelangelos

patq1967 · 07/11/2022 19:44

just hope your parents never went to mcd`s or kfc holiday inns on the tube he does realise that your mother had a life before him , and hate to say it your parents may have slept together , so he must have known this when he met your mum , just tell him to grow up

LaDamaDeElche · 07/11/2022 19:49

I thought I could be a bit insecure, but reading this thread it appears I'm not as bad as I thought 😂 I wouldn't have a problem with it at all and I think your mum's husband IBU. They split up for a reason and are not in danger of falling in love again after your mum visiting the sane place she went to donkeys years ago, which has been refurbished and probably looks nothing like it did. I've been to loads to places - restaurants, attractions, cities etc, that I've been with exes and I've never once "reminisced". They're exes for a reason 😂

allypike · 07/11/2022 19:50

I understand where you're annoyance comes from as you have fond memories there, but it isn't hard to see where he's coming from either as your mom also has fond memories there (with her ex husband). That would bug me also. It sounds like you just don't like him and don't care to see his side

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 07/11/2022 19:54

I went on holiday with my new DP to a place I've been to several times with my ex. He didn't comment on it. I've been to plenty of places with him that he's been to with his ex. Days out and stuff. We wouldn't have many places to go if we avoided everywhere we'd been with our exes.

He did mention one of his exes didn't like doing things that he'd done with his previous ex. I thought it was quite daft. And pointed out in that case she shouldn't have slept with him GrinWink

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 07/11/2022 20:01

I get his point to be honest. There are plenty of other places you could go instead, surely?

ivykaty44 · 07/11/2022 20:27

your mum can come along without him

Loobielougold · 07/11/2022 20:28

Surely the point of the "nice family tradition" that seems to have gone down so well for you all over all the years before COVID, is the action of all going somewhere together, not the PLACE.

So why not just take it on board, decide somewhere "new" to explore with the family all together? I do get the point though of the SF I am a SM, albeit he is now in his early 20's. When he was young it would make my skin creep for some reason if I knew something like this. The husband (soon to be ex ha ha), in fairness would never have suggested anything like that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/11/2022 20:30

I can see both sides on this.

But, just for a moment, if your DH were to leave you and then decided that he was going to start taking his new girlfriend, their new baby and her family on holiday to that same resort - would you shrug it off or might you be annoyed and think they should go somewhere else to have romantic meals at the same restaurant where you'd all sat together after idyllic days at the beach? That he shouldn't be booking the same room you shared with him?

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 07/11/2022 20:39

BankyWollocks · 07/11/2022 19:34

Actually , that's a good point . I still wouldn't agree to go if it were me but I can see your logic @IScreamAtMichaelangelos

Show quote history

Thanks Banky :) IMO it just makes the most sense and helps the new person to become part of the memory too. Also allows others the opportunity to indulge in reminiscing to a new audience, which people generally love. Said new audience may have to smile politely for a while admittedly!!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/11/2022 20:40

For those who haven't read the thread or just don't understand:

  1. OP, her DH and their DC are going on holiday to a place OP has been many times in the past with her parents
  2. OP mentioned this to her mum and asked if they would like to come.
  3. Mum liked the idea but later said she can't come because her husband won't go AND won't let her

Now, why should OP change her holiday plans? It's like saying "oh, me and DH are going to this restaurant on Friday, want to come?" "No, let's go here instead".

So OP YANBU to want to go. He is NBU to not want to go. YABU if you specifically chose this place to try and make him uncomfortable (which I don't think you have) and HIBU if he is preventing your mum from going.

RFPO77 · 07/11/2022 20:50

I understand where he's coming from Tbh. You might want to make new memories but if it's a special family holiday location from your childhood you're likely to spend a lot of time reminiscing about old times. Great for you and your mum but tedious for everyone else. Either go there just your immediate family or go with the wider family somewhere else.

Hollypups · 07/11/2022 20:52

RFPO77 · 07/11/2022 20:50

I understand where he's coming from Tbh. You might want to make new memories but if it's a special family holiday location from your childhood you're likely to spend a lot of time reminiscing about old times. Great for you and your mum but tedious for everyone else. Either go there just your immediate family or go with the wider family somewhere else.

I agree ^

i don’t think he’s being petty and I think it’s very obvious you don’t like him.

Hollypups · 07/11/2022 20:53

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/11/2022 20:40

For those who haven't read the thread or just don't understand:

  1. OP, her DH and their DC are going on holiday to a place OP has been many times in the past with her parents
  2. OP mentioned this to her mum and asked if they would like to come.
  3. Mum liked the idea but later said she can't come because her husband won't go AND won't let her

Now, why should OP change her holiday plans? It's like saying "oh, me and DH are going to this restaurant on Friday, want to come?" "No, let's go here instead".

So OP YANBU to want to go. He is NBU to not want to go. YABU if you specifically chose this place to try and make him uncomfortable (which I don't think you have) and HIBU if he is preventing your mum from going.

The way she talks about him I think she may well of chose a place she knew he would kick up about, just to make him look bad and petty. Its pretty obvious she isn’t keen on him.

AnneElliott · 07/11/2022 20:54

I get it if it's the same resort/ hotel. I know someone who has taken both wives and at least 3 partners to the same hotel in Spain. I always wonder what the hotel owners think when he turns up with the latest one!

Could you not do a different resort in the same area?

NoDatingForOldMen · 07/11/2022 21:07

RFPO77 · 07/11/2022 20:50

I understand where he's coming from Tbh. You might want to make new memories but if it's a special family holiday location from your childhood you're likely to spend a lot of time reminiscing about old times. Great for you and your mum but tedious for everyone else. Either go there just your immediate family or go with the wider family somewhere else.

Absolutely this ^ will be terrible for him to be to be in company with others who have all the same memory set, I can completely get his point.

Fudgemonkeys · 07/11/2022 21:49

As a step parent I can see it grom his point of view. The family would spend a lot of time mentioning the things they did with your dad so I can understand why your mum would rather not. Yes she could go without him but she may not want to or indeed be able to afford it.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/11/2022 21:56

Hollypups · 07/11/2022 20:53

The way she talks about him I think she may well of chose a place she knew he would kick up about, just to make him look bad and petty. Its pretty obvious she isn’t keen on him.

Show quote history

Well yeah she's more or less said that she isn't keen on him. Still doesn't mean she needs to plan her holidays around where he'd like to go

TikNeres · 07/11/2022 21:56

It's not really that he doesn't fancy it - that part is understandable I guess.

The problem is that he's told his wife that she can't go, because he doesn't want to, and it wouldn't be fair on him.

That's the petulant whiny arse bit, and the bit that matters.

DooLallyy · 08/11/2022 07:26

I can see his point, I wouldn't want to go on holiday to somewhere DH had been with his exW, maybe to the same resort but not the same hotel, it's just weird. Luckily they didn't go on many holidays together.
Holidays are expensive so why would he want to spend thousands of £'s going somewhere he doesn't want to go to? His feelings are valid, even if you don't agree with them.

If you want to go then but it for you, DH & DC. If you want to go away as a group then you decide on a destination you all want to go to.

SeasonFinale · 08/11/2022 07:36

I don't understand how "his" whole family were coming and outnumbering yours when he has said no from the outset. Are his kids and families coming?

If the original plan was you and your DH and Dd were going why does it matter if noone else is now?

SeasonFinale · 08/11/2022 07:38

I also think your mum got caught up in the excitement of a family holiday and didn't really think it through when saying it sounded great.

If you really want a family holiday go elsewhere. If you really want that location go there as a smaller unit.

Algor1thm · 08/11/2022 11:16

AnneElliott · 07/11/2022 20:54

I get it if it's the same resort/ hotel. I know someone who has taken both wives and at least 3 partners to the same hotel in Spain. I always wonder what the hotel owners think when he turns up with the latest one!

Could you not do a different resort in the same area?

Ugh my dad has done this with at least two wives. I find it so bizarre. I wonder if the second even knows the first went there with him too. Either way it's so odd.

I find it bizarre that the OP and others can't see how bloody awful this holiday would be for the new husband. Also for her actual dad! I'd be mortified to think of my children as adults going back to reminisce at places that we made memories as a family, with my husband and a new wife and the wife's kids and grandkids, while I sat at home.

Stoptheworld1000 · 08/11/2022 11:39

I can see his point. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with my partner and hear them talk about old times with their ex. I don't think he's being unreasonable. He's not saying no he's saying not there. I think you need to decide if it's the place that's more important or who you are with.

Youdoyoutoday · 08/11/2022 11:46

To be fair, I can see his point. The new spouse doesnt fancy a trip down memory lane with all 'do you remember that time before when......' constantly bringing memories of your mum and dad.

Turn this thread in to 'DH wants to take me to the same holiday resort that he went to every year for 10 years with his ex-wife but I don't like the idea' everyone would say you're not being unreasonable.