To think this is absolutely pathetic?

[VertAmon]

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable thinking this.

My family are big on family holidays, we go away often as a large group and also more immediate family too.

DD was born during COVID so hasn’t had a holiday yet at all, as I’ve been cautious about starting to travel again even after things opened up.

There is a resort in Spain that my mum and dad took me and my siblings to most years, we also went as a wider family (so grandparents, cousins etc.) and it’s recently been reopened after a long closure for a 4-5 year refit.

I met up with mum yesterday and mentioned I was interested in maybe going next summer with DH and DD and would her and her husband, his kids and grandkids etc. be interested in joining us, flights are cheap and the resort is reasonable too. Immediately her face lit up and said they’d love to, it will be nice to start new traditions at the same place with DD.

4 hours later I got a call from mum who said she had been thinking about it and would prefer to go somewhere else as she wants to go to another country next year. This was odd so I pushed and it turns out her husband is refusing to go, as he ‘doesn’t want to go anywhere that mum and my dad used to go together’

this isn’t the first time he has been weird like this about something similar, but AIBU in thinking this is absolutely pathetic, and even a little bit controlling?

Care to elaborate and make an intelligent sentence or you going to just make vague, passive aggressive, nonsensical comments?

I can understand your disappointment, but this is between your mother and her husband and I don't think guessing about/assuming why they've made the decision they have is going to help anyone. If you have decided it MUST be this specific resort, all you can do is reiterate to your mother that you're going, other family members are joining, she's invited, she can change her mind, and her husband is welcome to come and bring others from his family too if he changes his mind but you need to know by x time.

Personally I would probably have worked with the interested group in finding a different resort that would offer the same type of extended family experience but be new to and comfortable for everyone, but obviously going back to the place you remember is most important to you. You have every right to choose that holiday, but others are completely reasonable to decline. It sounds like your mother is choosing to keep the peace with her husband/consider his needs and desires equally with her own, yours, etc. but it's impossible to tell from what you've written if that's her free choice or not. If she's telling you that's what she's decided, I'd respect that even if I didn't understand the reasons.

Ah right I get you. I'd let it go and not be so harsh then your mum's made her choice

Btw, what difference do you really think it makes that this is a holiday you want to go on that he was going to be tagged onto, rather than a holiday that you wanted the whole family to go on from the get go? Why should he feel more comfortable about your reminiscences in one situation compared to the other?

Sounds very much to me like there are massive insecurities on both sides. You are unreasonably upset that your mother will not be coming for someone who claims she booked the holiday for herself and her family and just tagged on your mother and her husband as a nice gesture. Clearly it was not just a nice gesture and you were actually really looking forward to reminiscing with your mother, without caring one way or the other how this would make her husband and his children feel. That’s pretty pathetic too, tbh. Be honest - you only really wanted your mum there anyway and don’t care about her clingons.

Personally I'd just choose somewhere new to go away together and start a new tradition as a family. I can see where you are coming from, but can see his point of view and reasons for feeling uncomfortable too. I would rather have my mum etc there with me than make a point of being somewhere specific. I think this is an opportunity to be the bigger person.

If you want to make traditions and memories for DD that include the wider family then the location is surely less important than people being there. I'd have chosen somewhere else personally.

You dislike him, he doesn't want to go where your mother went with her ex previously (I'm with him 100% on that) so win win.

How about choosing a different venue and starting new traditions there?

I think he's being reasonable honestly. I don't think I'd want to holiday at the same resort my DH and his ex used to go every year. Sad for you, but there are loads of nice resorts out there. Start a new tradition 😊

I think he’s being pathetic, especially as it’s an extended family tradition, not just a couples tradition, although even if it was, it still shouldn’t matter.

I feel for your mum, she must really feel like she’s stuck in the middle.

I do think he’s being a bit precious about it though x

This is a good point, none of my siblings like him much either so now they’re all coming I can get this POV.

He would have the larger group with him (as his family would outnumber ours) but I do take this onboard

Because surely it would be more understandable him being annoyed if the goal was to organise a family trip.

But it wasn’t, this was an existing trip that he was invited onto.

I’m not saying he has to feel comfortable, merely wondering whether his comfort should mean mum doesn’t get to come (as she will not go to keep the peace and he is annoyed she would get to go on a family trip with DD and he doesn’t) and whether he is being ridiculous for being uncomfortable about it.

As it’s not something I could get my knickers in a twist about.

I don’t think he has a right to dictate but he does have a right to choose to not go. He probably thinks you’ll all made random references to when dad said this or that and he doesn’t want to hear it

I’m upset for her that she isn’t coming more so than upset she isn’t coming (if that makes sense)

She wanted to go, she would have loved to go, she is now not able to go due to his insecurities.

I’m genuinely not fussed in terms of her not coming, I am fussed about her missing out, we were planning to go as a 3, it was mentioned as I got an email saying the flights I had saved for this trip had gone down in price while I was with her, so mentioned it as it’s a great deal!

Also his kids were up for it, in fact one of them (and her DCs) is still thinking about coming with us, even without her dad!

That is absolutely pathetic.

Not really. It would only be understandable he would be more annoyed one way or the other if you are attributing pettiness to his or your emotions. Why would it be less uncomfortable for him to sit through endless reminiscing if your invitation was accidentally thoughtless rather than deliberately so? Either way, the constant reminiscing would be uncomfortable for him, because either way, you still don’t like him and he is still excluded from all the reminiscences.

As for whether or not your mother gets to come - that is a shame if it’s just you and her, and is a bit petty not to let her go if you could all also afford another big holiday elsewhere this year on top of this one. But, actually, you have admitted that this holiday is morphing into the big family holiday regardless and appear to be getting a little bit of spiteful pleasure from that, too, tbh.

Why would it be endless reminiscences? Some on here like to make things up to get annoyed about - very strange.

Spiteful pleasure now?

You’ve either had too much or not enough wine tonight

@VertAmon - ask yourself why you have chosen this resort and why that would particularly appeal to your mother. Don’t pretend you won’t enjoy reminiscing about your childhood. Don’t pretend that will not be uncomfortable for your stepfather. And don’t hurl unjustified accusations at people - that’s petty, something you appear only to see in others. Fwiw, I very seldom drink alcohol and, as usual, have therefore not had anything to drink tonight. Do you resort to alcohol on a frequent basis and how does this affect your reactions to others? Is this relevant to the discussion?

I don’t think he should tell your mum not to go but yes YABU to think he shouldn’t have a problem going to a place she used to enjoy with her ex. By the sounds of it you don’t have a great relationship with him and he probably found the invitation to go there a bit passive aggressive.

Your dm is silly imo.
No way would my dh stop me having a holiday with our adult dc and the dgc.
She needs to stand her ground.

ask yourself why you have chosen this resort and why that would particularly appeal to your mother. Don’t pretend you won’t enjoy reminiscing about your childhood. Don’t pretend that will not be uncomfortable for your stepfather.
Even if that were accurate the man could easily say “Maureen pet, it’s a bit too close to home me going to your old holiday destination I feel like I should sit this one out” but instead he’s specifically said her mother isn’t to go as it’s unfair like, at best a pathetic whiney 5 year old or at worst a controlling spunkstain.

Whatever your little petty back and forth sniping with OP is about let’s not pretend the new fella is a saint and completely being wronged here. Her siblings also appear to share the sentiment he is a bellend so the common denominator is….