To think this is absolutely pathetic?

[VertAmon]

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable thinking this.

My family are big on family holidays, we go away often as a large group and also more immediate family too.

DD was born during COVID so hasn’t had a holiday yet at all, as I’ve been cautious about starting to travel again even after things opened up.

There is a resort in Spain that my mum and dad took me and my siblings to most years, we also went as a wider family (so grandparents, cousins etc.) and it’s recently been reopened after a long closure for a 4-5 year refit.

I met up with mum yesterday and mentioned I was interested in maybe going next summer with DH and DD and would her and her husband, his kids and grandkids etc. be interested in joining us, flights are cheap and the resort is reasonable too. Immediately her face lit up and said they’d love to, it will be nice to start new traditions at the same place with DD.

4 hours later I got a call from mum who said she had been thinking about it and would prefer to go somewhere else as she wants to go to another country next year. This was odd so I pushed and it turns out her husband is refusing to go, as he ‘doesn’t want to go anywhere that mum and my dad used to go together’

this isn’t the first time he has been weird like this about something similar, but AIBU in thinking this is absolutely pathetic, and even a little bit controlling?

Unless your mother is still in love with your Dad, your step Dad is being ridiculous.

Well you don't seem to like the man so bonus for you he is not going.

I actually went to where my oh and his wives/kids have been many times

it was a fucking nightmare- full of ghosts and no ‘firsts’ for us. Didn’t help that it was a small island with average food which you could ‘do’ in a day. Very boring after a week. Didn’t help that dsc was trying to call all the shots about where we went, what we did etc, and dsc mum was pulling out all the stops to ruin every second via WhatsApp or face time. We had to pull the plug on the Wi-Fi in the end.

I understand how your mums h will feel @VertAmon and if that’s the only thing he’s drawn a line over, I’d not consider it a red flag.

you have a new child, she has a new husband, perhaps it’s time for you all to make new traditions

if you haven’t all already been away on a family holiday, then make the effort to go somewhere else, it’ll help him feel more included and perhaps more confident about his place in your lives

I would find that sort of lack of confidence in a partner tiresome, personally, but I wouldn’t call it absolutely pathetic.

It seems more pathetic that your mum feels she can’t come with you because her husband doesn’t want to go.

This is exactly it, she was excited to take DD and teach her to swim where she taught me, there is a restaurant in the local area that we went to every time we visited and it’s still owned by the same family so she was also excited to visit and see if they still remember us etc.

I’m sad for her but am wondering if my dislike for her DH is clouding my view on how pathetic this is. He has had similar weird reactions to other situations in the past so that’s not helping my view either.

She doesn’t feel she can’t come, he has apparently made it clear she shouldn’t come as it’s not fair for her to have a family holiday with DD and not him.

I think he's an insecure twat and would be really pissed off to miss out with time with my mum as an extended family because of some bloke with issues.

My ex had a habit of taking every serious partner to the same place (Crete). Nul points for imagination.

Who said it was 2 weeks or during the summer holidays?

Odd the leaps some posters make on here at times

I wouldn't want to yo either. I won't go to New York with my DH as he got married to his ex wife there.

She doesn’t feel she can’t come, he has apparently made it clear she shouldn’t come as it’s not fair for her to have a family holiday with DD and not him

In her place I'd be saying that him that DD IS my family as much as he is and he can come with me or stay at home and we'll go somewhere else another time; but then I've zero tolerance for whiny games these days. 'Not fair' is for teenagers.

I’m definitely going to try and persuade her to come, but I think she will stay strong to avoid a bigger strop from her DH.

My siblings are now coming so that might add more reason for her to take the plunge and just come!

I agree with you, it is pathetic. Does he want her to erase all traditions made before she met him

I wouldn't want to go somewhere my partner always went with his ex. I can see his point.

But if he's an arse in other ways I can see how it's clouding your view.

If this wasn’t so hilarious I might be hurt

I think he is right and you are being unfair to be honest. Where does the suggestion that he is being controlling come from ffs?

I agree with a app that it just sounds like you don’t like him.

Just stick with your plans and go. He can be a prat or not.

This was my view on the matter

considering they’ve been divorced for 15 years and she had an affair so it wasn’t even a case of him being the one wanting to end things and her wanting to stay!

Some serious projection going on there, I feel.

From @Seekandyeshallfind , I meant

Why don't you think about going somewhere else so he feels less of an outsider? He won't have all your shared memories and he'll get left out if you all start reminiscing. It's not a nice way to welcome someone into a family.

To be honest, I don’t think any of you are being completely unreasonable, @VertAmon. I can see why you want to have this lovely holiday with extended family, and your mum would love spending the time with you and your dd. But, from your stepdad’s point of view, I can see why he would find it uncomfortable to, as a previous poster put it, go down memory lane with his wife, when her memories are with her previous husband, your dad. He’s entitled to his feelings, and if he feels uncomfortable, that isn’t pathetic of him.

Where he might be a bit unreasonable is not wanting your mum to come on the extended family holiday - though again, not completely unreasonable, because he’d feel left out, when he could have come along if the holiday was somewhere different.

If I were you, I think I would go ahead with the holiday you want, with just you, your partner and your dd, and then plan something else, at a new location, for a big, extended family holiday. That way no-one misses out - you get the holiday you want, you all get the extended family holiday, your mum doesn’t feel she has to choose between you and her partner, and he doesn’t feel left out or uncomfortable.

Because I’m not going to plan my holiday around someone’s insecurities.

This holiday is going ahead, I was just offering the invite out as it would be nice to do it as a bigger family trip.

Id get your point if the plan was to arrange a family holiday from the get go, but it wasn’t, we were thinking about going as just the three of us, but it came up in conversation with mum and I thought I’d see if they wanted to join.

If I was tasked with arranging a family holiday I don’t think I’d automatically think of this place, but it happened the other way around IYSWIM

Because this was a holiday planned for us and an offer extended to them, I’d totally understand if I went into this planning a big family trip and chose this location, but it was the other way around.

He also wouldn’t be left out as his family would have made up a bigger % of the group! (He has 3 kids and 5 grandchildren who would have all gone) so would have only been 3 of us reminiscing away on a giraffe shaped slide

To be fair, it’s obvious you do not like him. Would you really feel comfortable going on holiday with a large group of people who then spent their time reminiscing about the good old days before you existed in their lives? I can imagine it all quite easily getting very pointed and uncomfortable and I think you are being disingenuous not to see that. If you had a good relationship with this man, then no problem, but you clearly don’t so it’s painfully obvious why he will therefore find it an uncomfortable experience.