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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is absolutely pathetic?

213 replies

VertAmon · 06/11/2022 14:52

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable thinking this.

My family are big on family holidays, we go away often as a large group and also more immediate family too.

DD was born during COVID so hasn’t had a holiday yet at all, as I’ve been cautious about starting to travel again even after things opened up.

There is a resort in Spain that my mum and dad took me and my siblings to most years, we also went as a wider family (so grandparents, cousins etc.) and it’s recently been reopened after a long closure for a 4-5 year refit.

I met up with mum yesterday and mentioned I was interested in maybe going next summer with DH and DD and would her and her husband, his kids and grandkids etc. be interested in joining us, flights are cheap and the resort is reasonable too. Immediately her face lit up and said they’d love to, it will be nice to start new traditions at the same place with DD.

4 hours later I got a call from mum who said she had been thinking about it and would prefer to go somewhere else as she wants to go to another country next year. This was odd so I pushed and it turns out her husband is refusing to go, as he ‘doesn’t want to go anywhere that mum and my dad used to go together’

this isn’t the first time he has been weird like this about something similar, but AIBU in thinking this is absolutely pathetic, and even a little bit controlling?

OP posts:
Walkaround · 06/11/2022 20:14

SmallPrawnEnergy · 06/11/2022 19:56

ask yourself why you have chosen this resort and why that would particularly appeal to your mother. Don’t pretend you won’t enjoy reminiscing about your childhood. Don’t pretend that will not be uncomfortable for your stepfather.
Even if that were accurate the man could easily say “Maureen pet, it’s a bit too close to home me going to your old holiday destination I feel like I should sit this one out” but instead he’s specifically said her mother isn’t to go as it’s unfair like, at best a pathetic whiney 5 year old or at worst a controlling spunkstain.

Whatever your little petty back and forth sniping with OP is about let’s not pretend the new fella is a saint and completely being wronged here. Her siblings also appear to share the sentiment he is a bellend so the common denominator is….

@SmallPrawnEnergy - and which bit of my comment specifically saying, “As for whether or not your mother gets to come - that is a shame if it’s just you and her, and is a bit petty not to let her go” are you saying is me being petty and sniping? Or are you in fact indulging in sniping of your own?

Original poster
VertAmon · 06/11/2022 20:17

Walkaround · 06/11/2022 19:39

@VertAmon - ask yourself why you have chosen this resort and why that would particularly appeal to your mother. Don’t pretend you won’t enjoy reminiscing about your childhood. Don’t pretend that will not be uncomfortable for your stepfather. And don’t hurl unjustified accusations at people - that’s petty, something you appear only to see in others. Fwiw, I very seldom drink alcohol and, as usual, have therefore not had anything to drink tonight. Do you resort to alcohol on a frequent basis and how does this affect your reactions to others? Is this relevant to the discussion?

Says the person who has done nothing but throw unjustified accusations at people Confused

Also he isn’t my step father

I chose this resort as it would be nice to visit somewhere I went as a child with DD, that doesn’t mean constant reminiscence. They’ve had a massive refit so it’s very different anyway!

If you’re this strange sober then I can maybe see why you avoid the wine!

OP posts:
Seekandyeshallfind · 06/11/2022 20:19

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Seekandyeshallfind · 06/11/2022 20:21

And she's an exceptionally nasty, insecure and bitter person, regardless of what name she's using. This is obviously how she gets her kicks so I wouldn't let her wind you up, just turns her on

Walkaround · 06/11/2022 20:24

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Quite possibly! They certainly protest far too much, with far too much violent language for it to be believable that this was an unimportant issue to them that the mother’s current partner has blown out of all proportion. I don’t blame the man for wanting to avoid this holiday if those he holidays with so easily resort to calling him pathetic and a spunkstain, and resort to calling strangers weird when they pick up on the unpleasantly aggressive vibe.

Seekandyeshallfind · 06/11/2022 20:28

If I thought my DM was in such a controlling relationship to the point she was too scared to go on holiday with me in case it causes disharmony, I wouldn't be spending my time and energy on arguing about the 'patheticness' of the abuser on MN, I would be spending time with my DM making sure she was OK. But nah, I'll just try and get as many people (my family and the abuser's) as I can to come on my 'unplanned' extended family holiday instead, that'll prove how pathetic he is. I win

Original poster
VertAmon · 06/11/2022 20:31

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WTF is puppetry?

Some of you are very odd tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
VertAmon · 06/11/2022 20:31

Seekandyeshallfind · 06/11/2022 20:28

If I thought my DM was in such a controlling relationship to the point she was too scared to go on holiday with me in case it causes disharmony, I wouldn't be spending my time and energy on arguing about the 'patheticness' of the abuser on MN, I would be spending time with my DM making sure she was OK. But nah, I'll just try and get as many people (my family and the abuser's) as I can to come on my 'unplanned' extended family holiday instead, that'll prove how pathetic he is. I win

Are you ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
VertAmon · 06/11/2022 20:32

Walkaround · 06/11/2022 20:24

Quite possibly! They certainly protest far too much, with far too much violent language for it to be believable that this was an unimportant issue to them that the mother’s current partner has blown out of all proportion. I don’t blame the man for wanting to avoid this holiday if those he holidays with so easily resort to calling him pathetic and a spunkstain, and resort to calling strangers weird when they pick up on the unpleasantly aggressive vibe.

Show quote history

I’m wondering if you’ve created a different profile to agree with yourself

If that is the case then it’s even stranger

OP posts:
Seekandyeshallfind · 06/11/2022 20:41

@Walkaround shall we agree to leave her hanging and let her and her multiple personalities argue it out amongst themselves? Worst thing for some people is to be ignored - they lose all the attention they're obviously craving.

SD1978 · 06/11/2022 20:42

I wouldn't enjoy a holiday where everyone else had been, as a nuclear family, multiple time and watching the walk down memory lane, to be honest. Going back to a restraint to see if they remember us, hanging out in the same bars/ places and telling stories of memories of the 0ace, etc- would probable make one person feel pretty left out. But I wouldn't stop someon else going, just wouldn't be my idea of fun

Original poster
VertAmon · 06/11/2022 20:53

SD1978 · 06/11/2022 20:42

I wouldn't enjoy a holiday where everyone else had been, as a nuclear family, multiple time and watching the walk down memory lane, to be honest. Going back to a restraint to see if they remember us, hanging out in the same bars/ places and telling stories of memories of the 0ace, etc- would probable make one person feel pretty left out. But I wouldn't stop someon else going, just wouldn't be my idea of fun

Definitely agree it would make one person feel left out

but it’s not just one person, his entire family were also coming, so they’d be the larger group.

Thankfully one of his kids and her little ones are still wanting to come, so we are still getting to make new wider family memories on this trip!

OP posts:
QueueEtwo · 07/11/2022 00:01

This thread is crazy! OP I totally understand, this is a place that is special to your family & you want to go back & take your daughter!

I sort of think that by the time people in a relationship have grown up children & grandchildren you should surely not be getting upset about going places your partner went to with an ex - if they are in their fifties that could rule out a hell of a lot of places!

As you get older & take on other peoples families you must surely expect to do things that have been done already with someone else!

Eggygirl · 07/11/2022 00:04

Oh give up OP, yet another name change is not going to give this thread any more air to breathe. Go bloody pack for your precious holiday ffs

Gagaandgag · 07/11/2022 00:38

None of you seem to like him so this will feed into his insecurities even more so

Algor1thm · 07/11/2022 11:56

QueueEtwo · 07/11/2022 00:01

This thread is crazy! OP I totally understand, this is a place that is special to your family & you want to go back & take your daughter!

I sort of think that by the time people in a relationship have grown up children & grandchildren you should surely not be getting upset about going places your partner went to with an ex - if they are in their fifties that could rule out a hell of a lot of places!

As you get older & take on other peoples families you must surely expect to do things that have been done already with someone else!

But we're talking about the same resort they spent all of their family holidays at! It's not like he's saying I'm ruling out a whole country! But no, I don't want to sit and eat dinner at all of the restaurants you ate at on holiday every year and reminisce about the good old days with a load of people who clearly dislike me.

I wouldn't even dream of inviting my dad and his wife to go back to the resort I used to go to with my mum and dad, it would be so odd for everyone involved.

Inviting the step dad's kids and grandkids to go without him is such a passive aggressive move as well. I bet he feels like shit right now.

RhiWrites · 07/11/2022 12:31

This is exactly it, she was excited to take DD and teach her to swim where she taught me, there is a restaurant in the local area that we went to every time we visited and it’s still owned by the same family so she was also excited to visit and see if they still remember us etc.

Well the restaurant family wouldn’t remember your step dad, would they? That’s going to be awkward. “Oh yes, I remember you and your beautiful daughter all grown up. Where’s Mike, how’s he?”
”oh I divorced Mike, this is my new husband Dave”
That’s totally awkward.

Your mum might have liked the idea before she spoke to her husband but now she knows he’d be uncomfortable she’d prefer something else. That’s not him being controlling or pathetic. That’s your mum wanting everyone to have a nice time, not just you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/11/2022 13:03

As I said earlier - I think the best answer is for @VertAmon to have her holiday at the resort that she’s chosen, and then then either she, or someone else, can organise a full group holiday to a different resort/country.

I don’t think anyone is being particularly unreasonable - not the OP for wanting a holiday somewhere she likes, not the step father for not wanting to go to a resort that his wife used to go to with her ex, and not OP’s mum for wanting her dd and her partner to be happy.

YeahYeahYeahWhatevs · 07/11/2022 17:44

YANBU. I don’t see why he can’t go to an old place and make new memories. Smacks of insecurity - he needs to get over that.

Hmm1234 · 07/11/2022 17:58

I completely understand your moms new partner you sound like you’re trying to wind him up

niugboo · 07/11/2022 18:00

can they afford two holidays?

Also, if he’s your mothers DH he is your stepfather.

H007 · 07/11/2022 18:11

I wouldn’t want to go on holiday to places that were my DH and his ex-wife’s special places

Lullab · 07/11/2022 18:18

I kind of understand where he is coming from. He may be worried that you will be comparing him to your dad and he wants to make some memories with your mum that are his own. Find somewhere different and try to accommodate his wishes. You will still be together as a family and you may find a new place that's even nicer!

BankyWollocks · 07/11/2022 18:19

I can see his point , I'd go somewhere different to start a new tradition not try to resurrect an old one

ss2011 · 07/11/2022 18:22

Tricky! I can see both sides a bit. You have every right to still go without them if thats what you want to do, but if its going to really upset you your Mum not being there then you might want to compromise. One idea ...you could ask them to research some other options and come up with some suggestions?? Make him do the work and then blame him if its shite :) (though as I say this I do realise you shouldn't have to spend hard earned money going somewhere that is not lovely..)